*Hairspray and Bailing Wire

*...till I return

*Yes, its my world

*blocked for one year

*it is very nice to know

*Sin and Seanachai

*Don't be confused

*T minus 38 hours and counting

*Helping the cause

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Monday, April 25, 2005

Angel and Demon

(WARNING: the following story may change or reinforce your opinion of men. If you already hate men, consider this can of kerosene a gift. If you don't, keep in mind this is a story about One Man, not men. This story will make some of you laugh your ass off too.)

Sister recounted the following story to me about a bartender and waitress she worked with in South Carolina. The story is true.

On the surface, he had a quality we should admire and strive for. Digging deeper it becomes obvious that perhaps caring what other people think of you is not such a bad thing.

He was fun to have around and always good for a laugh. He did not care what other people thought about him. He was indifferent to how others judged him or his actions. He said and did with no concern what others would think. This makes for a fun guy to go out with on Friday night for beers and laughs. Always saying and doing what many of us secretly wished we had the courage for. He just didn't give a damn.

He never hesitating and missed an opportunity to get a laugh from anyone around. He loved to say or do anything at anyone's expense (especially his own). The resulting circle of friends bent over in uncontrollable laughter fed his unfiltered actions and words. He was a clown with no social constraints or tact.

Great for a laugh, he was not someone anyone should make an emotion investment in.

She was a waitress in the restaurant where he bartended. By all accounts, she was an angel. Attractive, petite, always with a smile and a kind word. How she could start dating someone as callous and indifferent as him was beyond anyone's understanding. She saw the good inside of him, even if he had no regard for what was inside or even around him. Everyone is entitled to mistakes, even angels.

He went out drinking that night with his buddies. After stumbling into his apartment and feeding the drunk hunger with some leftovers in the fridge he called her cell.

"Hey Baby"
"Are you drunk?"
"A little. I really want to see you, can you come over."

She hesitated at first but knew that without supervision it would be nothing for him to hurt himself, his apartment or even jump in a car and be a danger to everyone in his potential path. She told him she would be right over and changed out of her pajamas and hopped in her car.

She was making a rescue call in response to his drunken booty call.

When she got there he was half passed out on the couch. A small smirk emerged from the corner of her mouth. He looked kinda cute and helpless sprawled across the cushions.

"Come on, baby, let's get you into bed"

She had to laugh at herself as her 105lbs tried to help his 190lbs up. He seemed to grasp some consciousness as she finally got him up and heading towards the bedroom. Either he was half awake or grope while sleep walking.

"Almost there, sweetie"

She got him into bed and got his clothes off. He smelled like a brewery run by a brewmaster that smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. There was no call for modesty. She had seen him naked many times in past few weeks. With him firmly planted in bed, she went to his closet and changed into one of his T-shirts. She loved how his shirts coverved everything from her neck to her knees. Exhausted, she got into bed next to him.

Even though he could not even open his eyes, his hands did all the work. With mumbles of something close to sweet nothings he tried over and over to grab and grope her as she fought him off cuddling him as a controlling method.

"Honey, you are too drunk. Sleep it off and we can have some fun tomorrow", she whispered in his ear.

If she could control him for a few minutes longer the beer would catch-up and send him sleeping. After a few more attempts as starting something he was in no condition to finish, he finally succumbed to the haze. After he was safely sawing logs, she drifted off to sleep next to him.

She was startled awake with a healthy dose of his DNA on her face.

Opening her eyes, she found him standing over her with his flacid friend still gripped in one hand. The other hand was defiantly pointed at her. She went to wipe the proof of what he did from her face.
The only thing more vulgar than what did was what he then said....

"Next time... you'll FUCK me."

Go to the top of this post. You were warned.

there are 13 doodles

At 10:11 AM, Blogger A* said...

YOWZA! He should be shot.

At 2:14 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

okay, i think it's funny.

if my boyfriend came on my face while i was sleeping and it woke me up, i would laugh and ask him why the hell didn't he just wake me up to have sex.

At 2:19 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

...done in jest, not so bad. Done to teach a lesson... pretty bad. Thanks for swinging by!

At 5:51 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

..OK, so it is a little funny.

*ducks fruit being throw*

At 9:07 PM, Blogger 1 said...

You got me thinking....that's all I'm going to say. You got me thinking.

At 11:40 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

the more i seriously think about it the funnier it gets. i don't know one guy that i've dated that if they did that i would be pissed at. besides that, i agree, she should have just had sex with him.

At 1:16 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Just so you know, every guy that comes here now and reads your comment will be chasing after you...

Be prepared!

At 1:39 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

maybe i need to clarify more. i'm not saying that i want a guy to cum on my face while i am asleep. i'm just saying that of the guys i've dated, i would have been more laughing than mad at them had they done something like that.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger deanne said...

Hm - I'm torn. On the one hand

a) If you're staying over, you might as well sleep with him. Otherwise, what's the point? To snuggle, because you're lonely?!
b) I'd be pretty pissed off if some guy I wasn't going out with or bootycalling spunked on my face while I was SLEEPING.

I'm still torn!

At 3:28 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

sandra: I understand what you mean but it will not stop the waves of dudes from crashing on you. Better get a good pair of swimmies.

deanne: Tell the story to a few people. It is amazing the range of reactions it gets.

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Madame D said...

First thing I did. I just love that line.
"Next time...you'll FUCK me."
Actually, next time I'd tell you to fuck off when you call all drunk and shit.
Story=funny as hell.
Happening to me=me mad as hell. I'd probably let it slide, or just spit their spunk in their face in retaliation on the next blowjob.

At 4:36 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I think you win for best solution...

At 12:34 AM, Blogger allison said...

[RC] I am disgusted and awed at the same time. I like the Madame's idea of retaliation, though I can't quite imagine that, after that, there would be a next time. Still, payback of THAT magnitude would be one ginormous bitch.


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