*Helping the cause

*temptation

*Short answer

*If she was an illustration

*If she was a cartoon

*Just sounds cold, not hot

*Sometimes I am wrong

*I knew

*Ya did done good

*We interupt the regulary scheduled reality to brin...


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Sunday, April 17, 2005

T minus 38 hours and counting

The Vegas trip draws near. When the plans for this trip came my world was very different (it was only 5 weeks ago!).

I decided, despite the self-invite from her (to Vegas and my life), I would give Miss W a chance. In the last five weeks it has become abundantly clear she has no place in my life.

Miss L has happened too. Though my feelings for Miss W would not be different if Miss L had not appeared, Miss L has changed the dynamic of the situation. Before her, what was happening with W and I only effected W and I. Now Miss L has granted me a small part in her life. What happens in my life, in whatever large or small way, now also affects Miss L.

I spent a good bit of yesterday with Miss L (on the phone, of course). We laughed and talked about movies and music. She let me read some of my favorite lyrics to her. I love that I don't have to explain things to her. She gets it. She gets a lot of things. Scary thing; I think she gets me.

I want to be every bit the person she sees as me.

She is always laughing at my off-the-wall comments. I want to be the person that makes her laugh. She talks of my intelligence and cleverness. I want to be the person that she thinks is quick and brainy. She admires my creativity. I want to be a person she admires.

I know that I am that person... but suddenly I feel she is in charge of Quality Control. Suddenly I feel something bigger than me. She inspires me to step-up to the plate and be closer to the person I am capable of being.

How does someone thousands of miles away do this?

I'm not sure but she has - and I like it.

From the very beginning I've been very open and honest about Miss W to her. Miss L has come into my life at a moment when I am closing the door on another part. Not too long ago our conversations about Miss W were more analytical more Dr. to Patient. Miss L would offer her thoughts, judgment and condolences with a dash of shame-on-you.

Yesterday I could hear something else. I could hear her wrestling with my trip. I could hear her wrestling with her feelings about me being in Sin City with Miss W. In its own strange way, I loved that she has started to care about me enough to care about my trip.

"You know there is a good chance you will sleep with her out there"

"Yes, I do"

I had to be honest. Miss W and I are staying in the same friggin room. Miss W and I, by glorious inaction on my part, are technically dating.

Last night I went up to Scooby's and Miss W was there (shocker!)

We sat with friends and played cards until the place closed. Normally we play after-hours poker on Saturday nights but I was dead-ass tired. I was exhausted. Why? Because all night I was somewhere else. I was in New Jersey and running back to the booth at Scooby's so I did not seem completely unsocial. Any second that did not require me at the bar was spent in Jersey.

"Hello? Where are you? It's your turn"

"Sorry, just spacing..."

I was missing a just-woke-up graveled voice. I was missing a laugh. I was missing banter. I was missing an unsaid but authentic caring in the voice on the other end of the phone line.

I spent all last night missing her.

So I've made a decision. One I should have made on my own but didn't. At no point has L said what I should or should not do this coming week. She has made no attempts to control or lay down directives (and that is VERY hot).

I decided last night, as I lay in the gross contrast of my feelings for W after a day of basking in Miss L, that I would not sleep with Miss W. Not in Vegas, not ever again.

I'm stepping up and in the midst of so many wrong things. I will do at least one thing right. Miss Waitress is going to get dumped next Friday after we get back. She is likely to get her heart broken. I don't want to be the selfish bastard that sleeps with her knowing this. Despite how it all appears, just because I don't want her does not mean I want to hurt her. I, of course, am going to hurt her but I don't want to hurt her.

As I've said before here, I don't know where L and I are headed. I am not real sure where we are right now. I do know that I've not been this happy in awhile. I do know that the world seems more orange and yellow and less brown and black since L has come into my life. I know this is something and I know I want to see it play out without fucking it all up.

Miss L does not hand out her caring like candy at the end of October. Her giving a shit about me is one of the biggest compliments I've gotten in a very, VERY long time.

I want to be every bit the person she sees as me.

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