"I hate that you're so calm."
I know I must have seemed so cold to her. Last night I finally had "the talk" with Miss W. My buddy Mr. Drinker called and had not seen me since I got back from Vegas. His wife was dropping him off at my house (he lost his license, his name should tip you to why) and he wanted to go up to Scooby's for a drink. He knocked and I answered the door because that is what friends do; they answer the door when you come a-knocking.
We went up to the bar, Miss W showed up (I know, shocker) and we played cards with some friends. I drove Drinker home and came back to the bar for the traditional Late Night Saturday Poker that breaks out after the bar closes. Miss W, I and the regulars played poker until around 5am like we usually do every Saturday night. Of course, I won both tourneys because that is what I usually do.
As the place finally emptied while the sun threatened its pending return, I realized the desolate parking lot was probably the best combination of public place and privacy I was going to find. We walked to her car. In her mind she was going to follow me back to my place and spend the night (um, morning).
"We need to talk"
The slammed-on warning horn words before every relationship accident. She stopped I held the car door open for her.
"I don't think we have what it takes to maintain a relationship and move forward. We are both good people who enjoy talking and spending time together. I don't think we have enough to maintain things at this level."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't think we should continue our relationship at the romantic level."
She froze. Despite my neglect and inattentiveness to our relationship, despite my avoiding intimacy for the past three weeks, she did not see this coming. I could see it clearly in her face. I emotionally kicked her in the stomach and knocked all of the air out of her lungs. She couldn't catch a breath.
I explained that we could not continue at the level we were. "We do not have what it took to move things any further."
She kept her composure, asked how should she get a book and sweater back to me. She added that she did not agree but if it is what I thought and felt there was nothing she could do to change things.
"There is no chance of this working, is there?"
"Not at this level, no."
"Seeing you're being so honest, I have have to be honest too and tell you something."
"I fell for you big."
"I hate that you're so calm. Whenever I broke up with someone I cried just because I was hurting them."
I explained that my lack of tears and calmness was not a reflection of me not caring or hurting. I hate that I was hurting her.
"I am such a fool."
"I don't think you are. The only way we could find out if we could have a relationship was to do what we did. This ending does not take away from the times that we did work. It says nothing about us as people. We are not supposed to be together like this, that's all."
We talked and I answered questions for around an hour. Finally she got in her seat and before I closed the door she mumbled, "I'm sick to my stomach."
She drove off and I got in my car. I finally did the right thing and it went better than I expected. I still hate that my day today started with laughs and wit with Miss L on the phone. She woke up today feeling discarded.
I hope she thinks I am a fool. I hope she thinks I let the best thing that would ever happen to me slip by. I want her to think I made a big mistake last night.
Of course, I didn't but I want her to think I did. It will make it easier for her to pick herself back up from the curb and get back on the sidewalk. I hope she finds someone who appreciates her more than I could. She is not a bad person, she is just not a person who I can be with. I'll be rooting for her.
It sounds awful, but I can already feel the weight lifted as I focus (unfettered) on everything that is Miss L.