*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

*Middle Chapters

*every effort

*a pre-dinner princess

*flying colors

*Unfounded and Exceeded

*Good Morning

*you look like

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Did you?

"Oh God... I'm close... are you?"
"Shhhhhhh", she replies
"Jesus... God... Baby, are you close?"
"AAAAARRRRGGGGG", his arms collapse and he falls to her chest. "Did you?"
"That's just great!"

Despite the orgasm, despite the great love making, he hops off and storms into the bathroom.

This is the second installment in the "Why do Men...?"
series inspired from comments on this post.

Miss Tasha asked: Why do men get all upset when the girl doesn't get off before the guy?

Your question reveals a great difference between men and women. Men are goal oriented, women are process oriented. This truth explains many of the misunderstandings between men and women.

Men take action with an objective in mind. We see what we want and then act to get it. The process to obtain is only the ways to the means. Sex for most men is the method to orgasm. We screw to get off and think you do too. Sounds crude but its not. It does not mean we don't have warm-fuzzy feelings during sex. It does not mean we don't enjoy the sex before the grand finale. Men just don't see the point in lighting the fireworks if they are not going to blow up.

Women, on the other hand, are less goal obsessed and have the ability to enjoy the process for the process' sake. Women tell women their problems for the sake of telling them. Men tell men their problems to work out a solution. Women tell men their problems so the woman can be frustrated by the man and storm off because he just doesn't listen. Men don't tell women their problems unless the woman is the problem. Even then, they probably won't say anything.

So if men are so goal obsessed, why do they get pissed if they finish first? The answer to this is both psychological and biological. If we finish first the buzzer rings and the game is over and the carriage turns back into a pumpkin. Our equipment is rendered useless once we make the goal, drop the three pointer and run it in for the touchdown. If we finish first we can't go into overtime unless we make your left leg Christmas, your right leg Thanksgiving and visit you between the holidays. We are out of bullets and it can take some men a few episodes of Friends to reload.

At face value it appears the man's desire to get your ship to sail first is proof your man is selfless in bed. It is not. Ironically, we are not thinking about your desires being fulfilled when we ask the "Did you?" question. We are looking for validation of our performance.

You getting to the top of the cliff and jumping off is us getting a 10 from the butch Russian judge in the Sex Olympics. We know us getting off is no major accomplishment. Hell, many men fire their cannons if some random female-ish hip brushes up against them in the subway. We are fully aware getting you to Olympus is as simple and straight-forward as long division of fractions without a calculator.

If we can get you off then we are great lovers. We love being great lovers. Its a goal we all have and you know how goal obsessed we are.

Solution: Very simple.... lie and say "yes". Honestly, we can't tell if you did or did not. That's why we ask so don't be afraid of getting caught in your little lie. We want to be lied to. We want to be the best lover you've ever had. If we are not, lie and say we are. No harm, no foul. If you liked the sex and want more sooner than later... you must lie. Men like to eff women they think love to eff them.

Our sexual ego is very fragile. We are the Waterford Crystal Vase, you are the sledgehammer. Be very, very careful.

"Did you?"
"God, baby, I sure did. That was AMAZING!"

...and all was right in the world as they faded to sleep.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered
in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 15 doodles

At 3:12 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Are you a PhD in psychology, with an emphasis on gender relations?

At 3:26 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

"If we finish first we can't go into overtime unless we make your left leg Christmas, your right leg Thanksgiving and visit you between the holidays."

that was fucking brilliant! that is the best sentence i have ever heard. ever.

now this post i can relate to. it's not easy to get me off and i've seen more than my share of pissy, pouty, frustrated faces because of this fact. also probably because i won't lie about it either. i find that if i lie, i only lose in the end. i've lied before and then my 'magnificent lover' thinks he's so great and then i NEVER get off. so i stopped lying about it. if you can't get me off, you can't get me off. sometimes the truth hurts.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...


Wordwiz - Nope, just a dude with no fears of being honest....

sandra - You need to read more sentances! J/K you are too kind, though.

I can't blame you for not fibbing. In reality, you can tell the truth as long as you can coach the freshman player. You own the field so you need to train the captain of the team.

BTW, I get $1 for every sports/sex analogy I can make.


At 3:33 PM, Blogger A* said...

Oh Sandra- I totally agree with you. I can't lie either just b/c it perpetuates bad behavior and not in the good way. When u tell your bed buddy he is the "Best ever" and he isn't your orgasms become endangered and eventually extinct. Then you have to lay there and pretend to look excited while you are really thinking, "Who's on The Daily Show tonight? Did I remember to buy paper towel? Jesus, the ceiling is really cracked. I have to get that looked at."
And yes Hof is brilliant. :)

At 3:45 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

a*, that is so funny and true. it's like once you lie, you gotta keep on lying to cover for the other lie and it has a snowball effect. so not worth it in the end.

hof, as far as training goes, i'm all about showing and telling my guy how to get the job done. :)

At 3:59 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I am liable to be shunned by the rest of womanhood, but I have been known to LIE! If it's really bad, well...then there's hardly a point, is there? If it isn't obvious, well, he's not going to be back anyway, so why worry about sugar-coating it? But if it's good (and as Hof said, I'm going to want to do it again in the future), but I didn't quite make it...I LIE. Who does it hurt?

I will now slink away, in shame.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger A* said...

WW- you know who it hurts? YOU MORON! Every once in awhile you won't make it, we all know that. But if he consistently misses, even if it is good, then you MUST tell him. Jeez woman! Besides most guys like instructions or a guide to the universe.

At 6:17 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

a* says:
"...most guys like instructions or a guide ..."

Hof says:
"We want to be lied to. We want to be the best lover you've ever had. If we are not, lie and say we are. No harm, no foul. If you liked the sex and want more sooner than later... you must lie. Men like to eff women they think love to eff them."


At 6:46 PM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

it all is coming into place now...

thanks for the great words Hof!! that answered my question to a "T"!

At 12:11 AM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

alright, something that goes along with your post... you said we should lie, but what about faking? thats a form of lying.. right?

At 1:58 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Honestly, I don't think you should fake it or lie.

If you like the guy help them. Be careful and kind, men have shockingly fragile sexual egos.

Keep things in the positive. Don't say, "You don't do this or that". Instead tell him, "Do you know what really turns me on? Can we try that next time?"

At 8:36 AM, Blogger bornfool said...

Brilliant. Are you sure it's a good idea to share all of our secrets?

At 11:27 AM, Blogger A* said...

Hof knows how I feel. And he knows I don't lie. :)

And that's all I have to say about that...

At 2:01 PM, Blogger WendyKat said...

mine asks me if i want to have an orgasm, if i say no we carry on and he'll either have one or not. but he know's when i've had one. and he'll know if i lie. so we just keep it honest, and if i didn't have one, or i can't have, or i just don't much need one, we still have fun.

plus, for us its quality and quantity, and neither is lacking.

i really like this why do men series...

At 1:34 AM, Blogger allison said...

Lying and faking require too much energy. I'd rather expend that energy nailing the dismount, if you catch my drift. Besides, talking during sex can be fun.

Telling the truth, however, is sometimes like pulling the proverbial emergency brake in the sex car. Some guys just can't deal.


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