*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

*Middle Chapters

*every effort

*a pre-dinner princess

*flying colors

*Unfounded and Exceeded

*Good Morning

*you look like

*I've saved you a seat

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I ask you to do ONE effing thing

Before closing the door she yells back into the house, "I'm heading out, hon, don't forget to turn on the dishwasher for me."

"Will do, sweetie. Have fun at work!"

The odds that he will turn on the dishwasher in the next eight hours are roughly 3 to 1 (for my gambling-impaired readers, that's bad).

This is the first installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

Paige asked: WHY DO MEN...never do the housework we ask you todo when we are gone? I leave my husband just one thing to do whenI leave the house (we work different shifts), and when I get home,nothing has been done.

Many men will not do the one thing you asked them to do while you're gone. These men can be broken into two categories; Mr. FOB and Mr. DOH. I am not sure, Paige, which one your husband is.

Case #1: Mr. F*-Off Bitch (FOM)

Mr. FOB's inaction is a passive-aggressive statement to you that he is the head of the household and will NOT be told what to do. It is his world and he lets you live in it. Your simple request is seen as the first bullet fired in your hostile takeover.

All men have an Alpha-Male Instinct (AMI) to some degree. The AMI is programmed in us. Most men have it under control and only use it to fight evil, rescue the girl and save the world. FOBs, on the other hand, are controlled by their AMI. They must assert their status as the largest rooster (biggest cock) in all of their relationships and social encounters. FOBs are the guys that always end up in a brawl when they go out drinking.

FOBs are the ones that cut in front of you in line with a "what'cha gonna do about it" look. FOBs hit children, slap women and kick dogs. Unreleased studies show that FOBs tend to have below average sized peters as well.

Some FOBs are born, others are created (nature vs. nurture). It is not clear why some men are born with the need to assert dominance in all of their relationships. They tend to seek out lackey friends and women with
low self esteem. This makes their lives easier.

Normal men, with their AMI well in check, are sometimes transformed into FOBs after prolonged exposure to Naggers. Some women (Naggers) ask you to do something so you can not get it done (or done right). This gives Naggers one more thing to harp you about later. Naggers are only happy when they are belittling the men they love.

Men who love Naggers often become FOBs in a vain attempt at fighting back. I hope, Paige, you husband is not a FOB. I hope he a Mr. DOH.

Case #2: Mr. DOH!

Mr. DOH just plain forgets. Next time you come home after asking him to clean the bathroom be very loud as you unlock the door. As your keys scrape the deadbolt, listen carefully, you can often hear the trademark "DOH" as he remembers your request.

Minutes after you leave, DOHs find something shiny and your task fades into The Void. DOHs are unable to stay focused on anything (other than NFL, NASCAR and Porn) for extended periods of time. Their flaky attention span jumps from one thing to the next. The lowest priority item is usually the first thing they tackle. If the disposal is clogged and seconds from spewing water and bile all over the kitchen, they are in the garage cleaning the golf clubs they never use.

When DOHs make their To-Do list they always have the most important item at the top (usually your request). After making the list and ranking the tasks by priority, they proceed to start at the bottom and work their way up. This appears to be some bizarre "save the best for last" method not fully understood
within the scientific community.

Solutions: If you not a Nagger (be honest with yourself) and decide your man is a FOB you have two options. You can accept his fragile ego and a life of submission or you can get the eff out FAST. FOBs are not to be messed with. Hasn't hit you yet? He will. Does he always say he is sorry when he acts out? He's not. Do you think you can change him and bring the good out? You can't.

If your man is a DOH there are several solutions. Invest in sharpies and post-its. Identify the things in the house that really don't need to get done or anything in the home he likes to do alone (such as paint his scaled replica of Tony Stewart's Daytona car or watch any DVD with "ANAL" in the title).

Once you've pinpointed the likely distractions, strategically place sweet yellow sticky reminders of your request. Writing your task on his hand or backwards on his forehead has also proven effective in independent studies. Consider attaching rewards to your request. If you can't think of something he wants, watch the DVD mentioned above. Praise him if he remembers and be kind if he forgets. DOHs can become FOBs if you are not careful.

Your DOH is still a good man and only needs your love and guidance. Your FOB is a piece of shit.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 3 doodles

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Paige said...

He is, indeed, a Mr. Doh. I'm trying my hardest not to be a nagger, but that's what it comes to when nothing gets done.

Thanks for answering my question!

At 10:45 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Hof, this was GREAT!! I can't wait to see how you handle all the other questions!

I firmly believe my ex-husband was an FOB, though he claimed to be a DOH. The fact that a minor request is so completely unimportant as to be immediately forgotten as soon as the woman is out of sight makes the DOH seem little better than the FOB. "I can't be bothered" sounds like a toned-down version of "Fuck off, bitch."

At 12:46 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i have never lived with a guy, so i've never had this sort of problem. but your post was terrific! now, if i ever co-habitate, i will understand.


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