*Somehow I misplaced the key

*Five Things (or does this look infected?)

*The Youngest is all growns-ups

*Now she is in trouble

*Sometimes courage

*required to "confront"

*Latest Lines from Vegas

*its not about the tights

*Not up to it

*Think before you take

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Thursday, May 05, 2005

I've saved you a seat

I bought a bus.

Not a VW hippie bus and not a nice new bus with the automatic STOP sign and wire front bumper flippy thing. No, I bought a big-ass bus with yellow paint that has turned orange from rust and oxidation.

Most of the seats are either missing or ripped to shreds exposing the useless foam. None of the windows open and the emergency exits in the back and on the roof are welded shut. The breakaway escape windows on the sides have been replaced with wire mesh and razor wire.

All of the windows are covered in black tarp sheets with blacker duct tape. The inside smells like an abandoned Lunchable.

I am going to tour the country and pick up all of you out there that have hijacked my loves and vices and made them trendy. Consider this your one, and only, warning.

"I love Dave Mathews! Crash is such a great song."
I was a Dave Mathews fan when he was still an obscure opening act for Phish. If you think listening to Crash on your Powder Puff Girls comforter while you flip to the back of Teen Beat to tackle the word search makes you a DMB fan - GET ON THE BUS.

"I love wine. I will have a glass of the pink stuff."
The only thing worse than someone that considers White Zin wine are the pussers that take wine too seriously. Wine is wonderful and simple. The more it costs, the better it is. Wine always tastes better with food. Find a cab, shiraz or a throat-coating chard that makes you hard or wet (as the case may be) and share it with someone you love. Sip it, let it sit in your mouth a moment before you swollow it and love it. Never say it is Earthy, Buttery or has hints of anything. Take a sip, swirl, swallow and say, "Fuck, that's nice". A wine should make you close your eyes when you drink it. If you put ice in your wine - GET ON THE BUS.

"I love sushi! California Rolls are super yummy."
Rolls are the Vanilla Ice of sushi. Never had Uni? Do you say "Ewwww" when you see a plate of sashimi delicatly chosen and presented by a true artist? If you spend less time eating and more time pointing and asking, "What is THAT?" with a curled nose - GET ON THE BUS.

"I love Martinis! I'll have a Jolly Rancher Sour Appletini please."
A glass does not a martini make. Do you go to TGI McApplebeeChilis and ask for the drink menu and order based on the tint of the glass and which fruit is floating on top? A martini is gin and as little dry vermouth as possible (I can barely tolerate you vodka martini drinkers so behave). The first martini should taste like juniper flavored gasoline and burn all the way down. The second martini then tastes like sex with an olive garnish. The third will taste like water, as will the fourth, and the fifth... etc. Martinis do not have their picture taken for a menu. If you have to put words before or after "martini" when you order - GET ON THE BUS.

"I will take two fingers of the 10 year Glenmorangie neat"
When I am too tired, friend, you get to drive the bus.

Love ya.... mean it.

there are 13 doodles

At 11:56 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I have been known, occassionally, to put ice in my wine. I more frequently drink red, so I don't do it frequently. I must admit, however, that I often buy $6 bottles of cheap (redundant)Sangria. I put ice in that. I know it's crap with a twist off cap and that the true wine connoisseurs are cringing ("What's she talking about...that's not WINE!"), but I love it. It makes me think of BBQ parties and tropical Mexican vacations. Can I bring a cooler of Sangria on the bus? I'll bring along some ice and plastic cups too! We're going to look like trailer trash riding around in that beat-up bus anyway. We may as well be drinking cheap ass wine from plastic cups! Let me know when you'll be hitting the northeast! I don't want to miss the bus!!!

At 12:02 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

hell... now I have to make a First Class area on the bus for the good people like you.

You are ruining my exercise in curmudgin-ness.

I'll but paper laterns and blenders and install the Bose sound system... and I make a mean chocolate martini...

(I am so ruining this friggin post now)

At 1:08 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Sounds like an awesome, traveling party! I LOVE parties! Next month I'm hosting my THIRD annual retro party. I rent a hall, hire a DJ, the guests come dressed for the decade being honored. I have a trivia contest and a costume contest. It's a huge shindig. I charge for admission, but not enough to cover my costs; it's wicked expensive. We're doing two decades this year - 60s-70s. I got this great dress on ebay that looks like it came from an Austin Powers movie. Should be a great time. You and a* should come! I'm a lot closer than Vegas! You could bring the bus!

At 1:11 PM, Blogger Islandgirl said...

Damn, I think I might like the bus. Especially if we're listening to Dave, drinking fancy coloured martinis and being mean to people :-)

Ok, I did start listening to Dave at a late stage in the band's life but I sitll have appreciation for songs found on Remember Two Things.

But I also agree with you on the wine. Wine is a simple pleasure that I like to enjoy in my head. Even when people go on and on about hints I'm like 'it's red, it was once a grape, I like what they've done with it. Now leave me alone and let me drink!'

At 2:42 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Once again, Hof, you are mentioned in my post today. I bet you don't appear as frequently in anyone else's post...except a's. Expect visitors inquiring about your party bus!!

At 6:16 PM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

hey, if there is wine, cheap dorky decor and groovin tunes.. im totally down for a ride!

but we will have to listen to The Who's Magic Bus song at least once... k? thought so..

At 6:25 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

My whole bus has been hijacked!

...and for some reason I'm the only guy on it and LOVIN it...

At 7:15 PM, Blogger A* said...

Oh shut if Hof. Gin tastes like horse sweat. A v. dry & v. dirty Grey Goose martini is yummy. I want one in Vegas... ;)

At 10:04 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

sorry, but i am a total fool for a pineapple infused vodka martini. the longer the pineapple sits in it, the yummier it gets.

your party bus sounds like great fun!

don't fret wordwhiz, a friend of mine takes bottles of cheap sangria and puts it into a punch bowl with chopped up fruit, it's awesome at bbq's.

At 10:22 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Sandra...I LOVE that fruity sangria!! Bring your friend...and the punch bowl...on the bus!!!

Hof...you're attracting an awful lot of ladies to your bus. Hmmm....

At 12:50 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

*basks in the estrogen-filled air*

*then gets very paranoid...*


At 4:10 PM, Blogger A* said...

Sandra that sounds YUMMY!! Hmm..I have to get one of those.
Hof, what are you paranoid about? Got something to hide?
Do ya?
Do ya?

At 1:05 AM, Blogger allison said...

[RC] If you bring that rickety ol' bus of yours anywhere near NYC, it is liable to be blown up. ; )


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