I bought a bus.
Not a VW hippie bus and not a nice new bus with the automatic STOP sign and wire front bumper flippy thing. No, I bought a big-ass bus with yellow paint that has turned orange from rust and oxidation.
Most of the seats are either missing or ripped to shreds exposing the useless foam. None of the windows open and the emergency exits in the back and on the roof are welded shut. The breakaway escape windows on the sides have been replaced with wire mesh and razor wire.
All of the windows are covered in black tarp sheets with blacker duct tape. The inside smells like an abandoned Lunchable.
I am going to tour the country and pick up all of you out there that have hijacked my loves and vices and made them trendy. Consider this your one, and only, warning.
"I love Dave Mathews! Crash is such a great song."
I was a Dave Mathews fan when he was still an obscure opening act for Phish. If you think listening to Crash on your Powder Puff Girls comforter while you flip to the back of Teen Beat to tackle the word search makes you a DMB fan - GET ON THE BUS.
"I love wine. I will have a glass of the pink stuff."
The only thing worse than someone that considers White Zin wine are the pussers that take wine too seriously. Wine is wonderful and simple. The more it costs, the better it is. Wine always tastes better with food. Find a cab, shiraz or a throat-coating chard that makes you hard or wet (as the case may be) and share it with someone you love. Sip it, let it sit in your mouth a moment before you swollow it and love it. Never say it is Earthy, Buttery or has hints of anything. Take a sip, swirl, swallow and say, "Fuck, that's nice". A wine should make you close your eyes when you drink it. If you put ice in your wine - GET ON THE BUS.
"I love sushi! California Rolls are super yummy."
Rolls are the Vanilla Ice of sushi. Never had Uni? Do you say "Ewwww" when you see a plate of sashimi delicatly chosen and presented by a true artist? If you spend less time eating and more time pointing and asking, "What is THAT?" with a curled nose - GET ON THE BUS.
"I love Martinis! I'll have a Jolly Rancher Sour Appletini please."
A glass does not a martini make. Do you go to TGI McApplebeeChilis and ask for the drink menu and order based on the tint of the glass and which fruit is floating on top? A martini is gin and as little dry vermouth as possible (I can barely tolerate you vodka martini drinkers so behave). The first martini should taste like juniper flavored gasoline and burn all the way down. The second martini then tastes like sex with an olive garnish. The third will taste like water, as will the fourth, and the fifth... etc. Martinis do not have their picture taken for a menu. If you have to put words before or after "martini" when you order - GET ON THE BUS.
"I will take two fingers of the 10 year Glenmorangie neat"
When I am too tired, friend, you get to drive the bus.
Love ya.... mean it.