*There will be none of THAT

*The Socks Betray Him

*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

*Did you?

*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

*Middle Chapters

*every effort

*a pre-dinner princess


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Monday, May 23, 2005

Leave notes in his shirt pocket

No email. No text messages. Nothing.

She gets home and combs the caller ID over and over again. And then checks it one more time. "Damnit"

She thought the date went so well. Dinner, sweet-talk with a little nookie nightcap. He was so charming, "We so connected"...

Three days later the phone rings and Captain Bedpost's number is on the Caller ID....

This is the fifth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

WordWhiz asked: Why do men fail to understand that it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to call the next day - especially if sex was involved?

Had sex with a new man last night? Why didn't he call you today? There are several reasons why men do not call the day after a 'serious' date or a night of romping. I hope for your sake that it is reason #3.

Reason #1: It's called a "One Night Stand" not a "One Night Stand and Next Morning Call"

I know he said all of those sweet things to you. I know he laughed at your jokes and opened the door for you. He has a great job, he's handsome and you've been eyeing him for weeks. You finally got the courage to strike up a conversation over by the pool table last night. He was as charming as you hoped.

Three cosmos and two shots later you are in the corner booth away from the dance floor and holding hands across the table. He's feeding his view on the geo-political balance required for a democratic middle east. "FUCK he's smart too... that's hot"....

You switch to vodka with a splash of Cran and he switches to your side of the booth. As you get into explaining why the last book you read changed how you look at the world. Right when you are about to make your point, he leans in kisses you. Fireworks, shots and more kissing.

He mentions how he's not really a "club" guy and wonders if you want to go somewhere quieter. You know what that means and the vodka gives you the courage to give a coy "sure!". His place is neat and clean and he shows you around. The kitchen. The living room. The study. The bedroom... You're not sure if it was the alcohol (it was) or what but you give in and, as best you can remember, it was grand.

Now you are here waiting for him to call. He cannot seem to find time to dial your number, he's too busy planning dinner with his fiancée and her parents. Yep, you were THAT girl last night.

Solution: Never call him first. You MAY get away with an email/text outside of the 48 hour window BUT only one email/text. If you do not get a response you are NOT to send another. You were the willing participant and he was just plan willing. No harm, no foul... at least you are not his fiancée .

Reason #2: "Dude, it was the WORST"

Of the three reasons for a no call the next day... hope this is not the one. Men have few standards when it comes to women they will sleep with. To quote the sage Chris Rock, "Men are only as faithful as their options." Men have a whole new set of standards when it comes to sleeping with someone a second time.

Once is the test drive, twice is the rent-for-the-weekend. If a man wants to sleep with you a second time you know you did something right. Men are very funny about what they do and do not like in the sack. To keep this column PG-13, let's leave it at that.

If, after your first time, you do not get a call the next day hope it is reason #3. It could be reason #1 but that depends on how long you know him and how tied your circle of friends are. Generally we only One-Night-Stand outside our circle of friends.

You must be open to the possibility he did not enjoy last night. Does this mean you are bad in bed? Maybe. It can also mean you didn't happen to do the crazy-ass shit one of his ex's use to do for him. How were you supposed to know he likes salad tossing?

Solution: Fuck him. If he didn't like your performance than he's a perverted freak. If you are a perverted freak and he did not like your performance, he's an effing PRUDE. You rock, he's an asshole. Case closed.

Reason #3: Must... hold... on... to... any... power... I... have... left.

OK, Wordwiz, this is a biggie. If I had not already met the woman of my dreams, the woman I will spend the rest of my life with, I would not give this one up. I'm set now so if the Brotherhood revokes my membership because of this post they can kiss my hiney.

Ready?

Women hold all the power in sexual relations. All of it. Every single bit of it. You are the gatekeepers to our key holding. We know this and hope to FRIGGIN God you never fully realize it. We don't call the next day as a hope that you will not realize the truth.

Not only did we want to call you the next day, we wanted to show up at your doorstep with dozens of lillys and chocolates, on our knees with puppy-dog eyes asking, "more, prettyprettypretty please".

We hope that our feigned indifference will help tip the scales ever-so little back to our side. We hope it will make you want US more. I know it may not make much sense to you BUT it is the truth. We want sex with you and then we want to make love and then we want to bang and then we want to have sex again.

Solution: Don't EVER use sex as a bargaining chip or part of any negotiation. It blatantly reveals you know you have the power and we will run in fear. "Um, Sir, I think she has become self-aware - CODE RED CODE RED!" Never withhold sex in hopes of getting something done or in return. Make love to your men when you want to and sometimes when you really don't want to. We will be better men for you as a result.

Also, always be sure you make it clear to us you like having sex too. Never make is sound like a chore or a sacrifice (even if it is a mercyfuck on your part). We already believe all women hate sex and only have it to extract something else from us - DO NOT reinforce this notion. Leave notes in his shirt pocket telling him you want to jump his bones when he gets home. Tell us about every fantasy that flies through your mind when you were at the grocery store.

As I said before, we love to eff women that love to eff us.

A man laid is a man happy.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 10 doodles

At 9:14 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Kind of wish I hadn't asked this one now.

 
At 2:50 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

It makes me very sad to hear that... I hope you know much of what I write is for the sake of humor.

What makes you wish you never asked?

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Just on ongoing situation involving the Party Bus hood ornament. He says he loves me. I didn't see that coming. But every time we get close, he pulls back. I know he's been hurt by low-life women who have cheated on him. But the see-saw thing is difficult to take. I was ready to cut my losses and move on...until that "L" word. I wasn't at all prepared for that. Now what do I do?? Why is it everyone comes with baggage??

It wasn't anything you said, Hof. Don't feel guilty. I love these posts, truly I do. It's just MY baggage!

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Now keep in mind that I don't know him at all...

The L-bomb (as A* and I call it) is a wonderful thing to share. It is NOT a fence that should keep you in.

We all have baggage. As we get older we tend to overpack. Sometime today find a quite place in the house and sit on the floor in the center of the room.

Close your eyes and breath. Concentrate on your breaths. Feel the air go in and leave. Count your breaths if need be. All thoughts are to be on the breathing.

Try to do this for as long as you can (or the world will allow you). When you are done, get up and go about your day. You may find the answer to the ornament pops into your head before the day is over. Trust the voice if it comes to you.

A* and I [heart] ya and are thinking about you...

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Thanks. You're right. We all have our baggage. In our case, we're both in our 40s and divorced. Clearly there is baggage. I knew his past. Funny thing is, I never stopped to consider how that was impacting his present. I was probably too focused on my own baggage to appreciate the load he was carrying. On the other hand, just how far are we supposed to go to accommodate someone else's baggage? At what point does it then become OUR baggage?

You're right. I have some thinking to do. Thanks, Hof. This helped.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I believe we don't ask ourselves "how much of their baggage should I check?" If this is right you will just keep on loading up the baggage bin without thinking about it.

You know the answers, you just need to trust yourself and believe them.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger A* said...

WordWhiz- I hear ya girl. There are times when the right answer is the one that sucks the most. You're looking for baggage that goes with yours and that's OK. That technique Hof gave you works wonders. A little quiet time and your inner instinct will speak up to answer your question. Have faith in yourself. :) You are worthy of all the love and caring in the world. NEVER sell yourself short.
{Heart} ya hon...

 
At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Pearl said...

Most of your central column of text is overlapping from Safari browser. Your text that isn't is overlapping your pictures, so there's only a dozen lines that are legible.

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

pearl: I designed this template with IE in mind. If I knew more about html I would make it work in any browser... so sorry!

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

pearl....

I fixeee the blogeee for youeeee

 

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