*I'm out

*Prepare me for her consumption

*Put me in, coach!

*Trained in the gentle art

*I would be lying

*Drinks are on Uncle Hof

*Leave notes in his shirt pocket

*There will be none of THAT

*The Socks Betray Him

*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Saturday, May 28, 2005

Our species may, in fact, survive

Last night they fought and broke a golden rule by going to bed angry.
The next morning she stretches and opens one eye. At the foot of the bed is her husband covered in grease and sweat.
"What the hell have you been doing all morning?"
"Got up early, babe and changed your oil, replaced your spark plugs and detailed your dash"

This is the eighth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post. Technically I, your favorite Blog author (ever!), am on vacation playing house with his future wife. I am weak and cannot resist the demands of my readers and my writer instinct. This installment is brought to you from a Starbucks in Hoboken using stolen bandwidth from somone upstairs that failed to secure their wireless network (God bless them).

WordWhiz asked: Why do men fail to realize that a sincere compliment or a sappy card will earn him far more brownie points than a $50 bouquet of flowers?

It is a language barrier, my dearest WordWhiz. Cards are written in Sappynese and flowers are in Showyouian.

Language (lang'gwij) n.
Communication of thoughts and feelings through a system of arbitrary signals, such as voice sounds, gestures, or written symbols.

Men and women sometimes speak the same language (like English). Technically persons from backwater Kentucky and hardboiled Brooklyn both speak English. Put them both in a room together and see how well they understand each other (if you work for MTV and I see this idea in your lineup next year, I will sue.) Backwater and hardboiled both speak English but also have their own languages.

Men and women have their own languages. For the first time EVER the gender-specific languages are being labled and defined. Today, fair reader, is your lucky day.

A language of "voice sounds" or "written symbols" that communicates thoughts and feelings. Sappynese is the verbal/written language of feelings. Women are taught this language early in life. Verbal or written English, by itself, is not designed to translate concepts as fuzzy and smazy as feelings. You can often find women "just talking". "Just Talking" is when Sappynese is most often heard and used. Women gather over a glass of wine by the kitchen island and converse in fluent Sappynese while the boys watch the game. They explain their feelings about their husbands, their careers and what was on Oprah yesterday. Greeting cards and long-distance phone service ads are written in Sappynese.

Showyouian is not a verbal or written language. It is "a system of arbitrary signals or gestures" that communicates thoughts and feelings. Showyouian is the non-verbal language of feelings. Men don't talk about their feelings (this would require fluency in Sappynese). Men reveal their feelings through their actions. Men speak fluent Showyouian and show their love through what they do.

You tell us of your love, we show you our love. At times Showyouian can seem very hard for you to understand and traslate. Trust me, Sappynese is just as hard for us.

Solution: Men and women must learn enough of each other's language to get the gist of the messages. When women speak to us in Sappynese we need to understand enough of the language to get the general message. To learn Spanish, one should watch kids shows on Univision on Saturday mornings. To learn Sappynese, one should watch Oprah, movies produced by the Hallmark or WE channels or any episode of the Gilmore Girls. We men also need to express our feelings more in Sappynese.

Here are a few Sappynese phrases (with their English translations) for my male readers:

Sappynese: "Have you lost wieght?"
English translation: "You are more beautiful now than when I first fell in love you with you. Everyday I thank the powers at be for bringing you into my life. Your body is everything I desire and my passion for you only grows with time. You are aging with elegance and grace and I love you more today than yesterday and half as much as tomorrow."

Sappynese: "Go ahead, that's fine"
English translation: "I dare you to do it. Go ahead you inconsiderate ass. I cannot believe you would even ask me to do that, let alone actually go through with it. Do I mean nothing to you? Is everything we've been through been a lie?"

Sappynese: "She seems nice"
English translation: "What a fucking ugly cunty cow. I saw how you looked at her. Is that how you want me to look in public? Is that what turns you on? Do you want me to tramp around with my tits hanging out in ugly-ass shoes looking like a crack whore having a bad hair day?"

My male readers will note that what Sappynese lacks in clarity it more than makes up for in effeciency and tact. Small seemingly innocent phrases replace verbose vulgarity and rhetorical questions.

Here are a few Showyouian phrases (with their English translations) for my female readers:

Showyouian: Unrequested taking out of the trash
English translation: "I am always thinking about you and try everyday to be better. Sometimes I forget to do things but it is not because I don't love you. You didn't ask me to take this trash out so I will because I love you."

Showyouian: Morning "wood"
English translation: "Just laying next to you makes me want you. You don't need makeup or fancy clothes for me to desire you. Just your scent, your skin, your presence excites me. I love you"

Showyouian: Slap on the ass
English translation: "Jesus H. Christ you are looking especially beautiful today. I look at you like I look at the women on the cover of Maxim. You are a hottie and I love you."

If we men become better listeners and you women become a bit more observant our species may, in fact, survive.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 3 doodles

At 2:56 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

not to blow my own horn, but i've never had a problem getting compliments from a guy. to me it's kind of a given. maybe i wouldn't take it for granted if it didn't happen so often.

i don't like sappy cards, unless they are sappy because of words he wrote to me in it. be original. i don't want the same card that the girl next to me is getting. i want you to write it. otherwise, no points.

well for me anyways, a bouquet of flowers will earn my guy brownie points anyday. especially if it's a bouquet of my favorite flower, tulips. to me, it says he listens to me when i've said countless numbers of times that i don't like roses. roses are fine in a bouquet with other flowers, but if i get just roses it's like 'you haven't heard a damn word i've said have you'. plus, it's easy to go to the store and buy roses. if you buy me tulips , you've gotta work at it, because depending on the time of year, you might not find it.

(i actually had a guy force tulips in his refridgerator so that he could give me tulips in the winter. he was greatly rewarded for that one.)

At 7:27 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I nominate a new person to blow your horn starting this Wednesday. He has extensive experience blowing his own horn so should be good at it.

I will also avoid the incredible temptation to make "two lips" jokes about your flowers.

I am taking the high road and everyone seems so tiny from up here...

At 9:16 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

LOL! thanks for not making the tulip jokes. though i am sure they would be pretty funny.


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