*Trained in the gentle art

*I would be lying

*Drinks are on Uncle Hof

*Leave notes in his shirt pocket

*There will be none of THAT

*The Socks Betray Him

*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

*Did you?

*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Put me in, coach!

Despite the rain they cower under the overhang outside the office and share one of her cigarettes.
"Finally slept with him last night..."
"Are you serious? How was it?"
"Amazing. He's not packing a bazooka but he's a hell of a shot."

This is the seventh installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

WordWhiz asked: Why do men understand that it's not all about the size of his... uh... muscles?

I am not even sure where to start on this one. The entire penis size issue has been so clouded over the years. One minute us men hear it means nothing (something about oceans and motions) then we come across your copy of Cosmo and flip to the inner-coven secrets page and read that it means everything (obviously as part of some contrived 10 Secrets feature).

Then you have posts like this by sandra and it gets even more confusing.

What you end up with is a bunch of guys with large bayonets thinking size matters and a bunch of guys with small boybrushes hoping it doesn't matter. Those of us with normal sized chicksicles are left to hope we are closer to one group than the other.

Now top it off with all of the porn we've watched. Only one group of guys with mind-blowing dirk digglers get cast in these wonderful works of art and expression. Our reality of "normal" becomes slightly distorted over time...

Wrapped around all of this craziness is the fact we men are socialized to believe our executive staff members are ugly, undesirable and dangerous. Is our obsession starting to make sense now?

The simple answer to your question is we men are getting mixed signal after mixed signal. Everything in the world says that women and their naughty bits are beautiful and mysterious. In contrast, everything in the world says men's naughty bits are intrusive, accessories in crime, simplistic, obvious, crude, controlling, driving and ugly. When we discover Mr. Winky as babies we are scolded for touching it. Your naughties are given the pronoun "her" ours are "it" (pull IT out, whip IT out, etc).

Much of our shame is thanks to the fallopian fiddler being objectified as the source of evil by the feminist movement. We are trained to be ashamed of our giving tree. Now imagine the pour souls out there with below average amplitude. These boys are now ashamed of what they are ashamed of. Bad for a man's psyche but good for Corvette sales.

The whole damn issue is as clear as a Seattle sky. Our rapt focus on the issue is from a lack of lucidity. Not lucid means we are made loony. Here is a nice secret from the back pages of the Brotherhood's Holy Book... want to know why we love blow jobs so much?

Men love BJs. Love 'em. Some think it is a power thing, others think it is a taboo-thing. We all know BJs do not feel better than sex. Men love BJs because they are the ultimate form of acceptance of our javelin. When you ladies are down there kissing and tasting it is one of the rare momements our hampton is being loved for just being him. It is intimate and accepting and in the face of everything we are led to believe about him. I bet you didn't know THAT!

Solution: You are not going to clear up and organized the crazy messages coming from all sides and sources. You CAN clarify your feelings about your own man's jolly green giant. Regardless of your man's girth, make every effort to show that you like it. Talk about it, talk TO it, look at it, hold it and, whenever possible, give it some one-on-one attention. If you can convince us you like him you will find his owner will become a better lover. We can erase our fears of what you think of him from our minds and focus on making love to you.

After you get that message across, teach us what you like and how you like it. Mentor us! We are quick learners and just want to be in the game (put me in, coach!). You have to undo all the terrible messages us boys have absorbed over the years. Help us to love our kojack again and you shall reap the rewards.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 8 doodles

At 1:28 PM, Blogger The Complimenting Commenter said...

A very informative and interesting post. Your words sound true and from what I've read they are. I really love the layout and the way you organize this site. Well done.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Hof: Size matters. But like your post about breast size, what is "ideal" is different to different people. Too large and it will not fit into some of the places you so want it to go. Too small and it's... well... disappointing?? "Normal" size, from my perspective, is ideal. How one defines "normal" is up for debate...as is my opinion of "ideal". It's all relative. And if she likes everything else about you, it won't matter either way.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

WW-SO you ask why are we obessed with our muscle size THEN go out and say it does matter???? You then offer wonderfully vague comments about what matters so.

Yer lucky I [heart] ya...

CC-I hope you have a chance to explore more (even if it is the other WDM posts). Thanks for swinging by.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

'chicksicles' ROFLMAO! where do you come up with this shit?! i LOVE it.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

oh shit! i almost forgot. thanks for the link to my post. LOL! that's what i am here for. to confuse all of mankind. it's kind of like my goal. ;)

At 3:36 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Hof: I'm far too inhibited to be less vague in my response in this forum. I would gladly send you a more detailed reply, but alas...you have no email address posted. No matter...my opinion is, in your case, irrelevant. It is only A*s preference that should be of concern to you.

However, should I decide to go for that carpenter prize, we may need to revisit this issue in regards to the Craftsman. :-)

At 4:15 PM, Blogger A* said...

A* is happy with what Hof has. 'Nuff said. Can't wait to see u hon!

At 1:51 AM, Blogger allison said...

Without revealing too too much, I will say that there IS such a thing as too big and leave it at that.

One thing has always rung true...it's all about how he works it.


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