*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

*Did you?

*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

*Middle Chapters

*every effort

*a pre-dinner princess

*flying colors

*Unfounded and Exceeded

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Friday, May 20, 2005

The Socks Betray Him

She was not sure if he was home yet. Closing the front door, she looked around the livingroom and kitchen. No sign of her beloved.

"He's been here", she thought approaching the stairs. The sock ball on the fourth step began the trail. The eighth step hosted his tie. The brand new Oxford she bought him for his birthday graced the landing. She opened the door to witness the carnage.

Pants, boxers and wife-beater cover the floor and confirms his presence long before she notices him curled up in the bed lost in a nap.

This is the third installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

WordWhiz asked: Why do men insist on dropping their dirty clothes wherever they take them off?

As with most things pertaining to men, the explanation is shockingly simple yet universal.We are able to juggle many things at once. We juggle tasks at work, friends at the pub, games on both ESPN and ESPN2 (without missing a play). Some men even juggle women. This esoteric circus skill makes it appear we can also focus on several items at once. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

As we juggle we flip our attention and focus as each item falls into our hand. We then switch focus before the next item lands. Catch, focus, throw, catch, focus, throw, etc. Notice at no point are we focused on two things at once.

How do men juggle women without a single victim having any idea they are not the only one in the game? There are men maintaining seperate families with their own unique homes, sets of rugrats and circles of friends. When the man is with wife Alpha, she has his complete attention, his complete focus. Not only does she know not of wife Beta, wife Beta is not his mind either. He cannot betray his betrayal because even he, at that moment, is monogamous. She is the only woman in his life.

Of course, once he kisses her goodnight and hops into the car, wife Alpha is wiped from his mind and all focus turns to wife Beta. By the time he gets to her, she is the only one in his life. Wife Alpha is no more real than Britney's hymen. The dirty clothes are a side effect of this singular focus.

When your man comes home from work the first thing he wants to do is get out of his uniform. Work consumes us and we need to shed the trappings of our vocation as soon as possible. When we get upstairs and start removing our monkey suits we are not thinking about where the laundry bin is. We are thinking about the TPS reports and if we remembered to include the cover sheet. FOCUS CHANGE: now we are thinking about what we want for dinner. FOCUS CHANGE: now we are thinking about the spread on the Eagles game. FOCUS CHANGE: a random shot of the barista who made ourcoffee this morning....naked.

If you are having any trouble comprehending this... watch the TV when we have the remote control - it is the personification of how our brain works (flip flip flip).

Of course, we crank through every thought while we thoughtlessly shed our threads. Gravity controls where they end up.

Solutions: There are only two possible choices for the women in our lives - Acceptance or Training.

Acceptance is for you women out there who realize their men are not perfect AND don't have the psychotic notion that they can make them so. If you choose Acceptance then when you get upstairs take a few moments to pick up the garments and toss them in the laundry basket. Laugh at yourself and thank God you can think about more than one thing at a time. Once the duds are in their proper place, find your man and give him a kiss on the cheek. Mention NOT your great act of kindness.

Training is the other option. This is for you ladies that cannot accept the first option. Choosing Training means you understand you can only train a man to do four new things - period (ever, I mean it). Be careful what four things you choose.

How important is this clothes issue? More important than him peeing in the shower, calling when he will be home late, toothbrush in the holder, farting in bed, foreplay? Get the idea?

Let's assume you burn up one of your four slots on the dirty clothes matter. There is only one way to train your man. Punishment/bitching/naggins does not work. You will only train him with praise and reward. When we come home follow us upstairs. Guide our hand, with the slacks, to the basket. Once we drop the pants in, reward us.

The greater the reward, the sooner we are trained. Never forget you always have the most powerful reward at your disposal. If you ever want anything to happen more than once you only need to give us head the first time we do it. You can bet we will do it again and again from that moment forward.

Yes, we are that simple.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 16 doodles

At 2:08 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I notice how you have touched on more than one question within a single post, addressing the cheating question quite well along with this one.

Do you mind if I compile these into a book? I am positive it would be a best seller! Hell, I'd by several copies just for myself, to be sure I always had one close at hand!

THIS IS A GOLD MINE!! YOU ARE A GENIOUS!! I'm not kidding, Hof...sheer genious!!

At 2:10 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

BUY...I'd BUY several copies. Yeah...I can SPEL!!

At 2:16 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

*blush* again

This posts explains HOW men cheat... another is coming explaining WHY men cheat.

It is so funny you mention the book idea. I had that last night while I was playing poker... maybe after I get enough of these written I will sport the idea out.

As always... you are too kind.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Dear Hof the Amazing,

Why do men claim they want a woman who is intelligent and funny, and then they set their sights on brainless 18 year olds? Are they really afraid of commitment/not ready to settle down? Or do they just use the "intelligent and funny" answer since it sounds better than "brainless hottie"?

I agree with WW. I'd buy copies for all of my friends.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger jadedprimadonna said...

I guess I've chosen acceptance. Although the idea of being to train my hubby in four areas intrigues me. You are absolutely correct that nagging does not work at all. If only I weren't a slutty wife who gives witholds those rewards until he does something to earn them...

At 2:28 PM, Blogger jadedprimadonna said...

That made no sense. And that's scary because I do editing as part of my work. Let me try again... I meant to say, "If only I weren't a slutty wife would can't seem to withold those rewards until he does something to earn them."

At 2:37 PM, Blogger bornfool said...

You've hit the nail on the head again. Brilliant! "no more real than Britney's hymen." lol
Let's see... I've been trained to lift and lower the toilet seat, do the dishes, and do the laundry. That only leaves one more new thing to learn. Good. I'm about worn out.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Lejnd: OH, OH, OH...I know what #4 will be!

Amanda: As always, GREAT contribution, girl friend! You are my soulmate...if you were only a guy!!

Hof: I've been recommending this series on other sites I visit. Expect your female traffic to increase. (I want a percentage of the royalties!)

I hope you're serious about the book idea. I was. It would definately sell.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Paige said...

I always expect him not to be at the end of the laundry trail...as if he was running away from aliens and then POOF, they got him.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Oh, and by the way you are brilliant.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Overshop said...

I must be a man. I have socks everywhere, and at least 3 pair of shoes in the living room at all times!

At 8:54 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i LOVE the new look. it's excellent.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Wow, Hof. Two unbelievable great templates in one week. It's all I can do to add a link to my "off-the-shelf" blogger template. How do you do it??

At 7:32 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I've been teaching myself template-ese for the past week or so and finally decided on this sketchbook idea. The template before this was an experiment to see if I could design my own.

I will be designing a new template for A*... want me to do one for you after that?

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Firefly said...

thank you - fantastic insight on the laundry. there are many 'little' things that my man does that drive me crazy. the funny thing that i realized lately is that i have quite a few things that i am sure would drive at the very least my mother crazy - this is - my man never says a thing - perhaps he doesnt notice. or perhaps he just doesnt see the reason to nag.. i have been trying to keep that in mind - and now that i have your insight, it will be even easier to brush stuff like this off.

thanks again

aloha, ff

At 3:44 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

In all honesty, the whole purpose of this WDM thing is to help relationships by trying to verbalize the man's perspective (which we generally suck at).

Thanks making me think its working.

As an aside, you art is unbelievable. I love your artist eye and envy your talent....


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