*The Socks Betray Him

*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

*Did you?

*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

*Middle Chapters

*every effort

*a pre-dinner princess

*flying colors

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Sunday, May 22, 2005

There will be none of THAT

"Jimmy, I'll take one more"
The bartender puts the freshly poured draft down in front of him. Jimmy is still in shock over what his favorite regular just told him.
"Did she really say that to you, David?"
"That's why I will never get married...", declares Jimmy as he starts to wash David's old glass.
"Funny thing is, Jimmy, I knew she was a bitch before I married her."
"But you married her anyway?"
"Couldn't wait to put the ring on her finger..."
"Jesus, that's fuckin' scary"

This is the fourth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

WordWhiz asked: Why do men constantly fall for bitchy, high-maintenance women, and then complain about what a pain in the ass they are?

Men are very adept at mistaking one thing for another. For example, if you are polite or nice to a man he will conclude you want to sleep with him. We men assume if you are not rude to us you secretly want to ride us. Are you nice to the teenage bagboy who takes your groceries to the car? If so, I guarentee he has several scenerios involving you in his master rolodex and you've been a movie star a few times in his shower.

Women are very adept at mistaking one thing for another too ("I can tell he really cares"), but this column is about men, women are A*s department.

99% of the time, men prefer a relationship that requires a minimum amount of effort. We spend all day at the office trying to out maneuver the competition, power lunch with the client and get the right color and fonts on our business cards (bone, eggshell or off-white). After work we may stop by the bar for a beer with a buddy. There we work even harder trying to one-up his ass and prove:

a. we've slept with more women than him
b. these women were all prettier than any he's slept with
c. we slept with most of the women he slept with. Any we did not were passed up by choice (we have standards, you know)
d. our favorite football team will make the playoffs and his will fall apart around week eight.
e. we've had a threesome (usually in college or a foreign country - always undocumented)
f. his sister tried to sleep with us
g. the first thing his lost love did after she broke his heart was try and sleep with us (if he is not in communication with the ex we will tell him we slept with her. If we actually slept with her we will deny it....)

I could go on and on. Bottom line; beers with the buddy takes a considerable amount of effort. Most of our fathers gave the impression they were on autopilot for most of their marriages. We witnessed our mothers running around keeping the family together while our Pops only made sure the morning paper got read and our ass spanked if we sassed Mom.

We think our relationships with women should take as little effort as possible. Here comes the mistake....

We meet a bitchy, controlling, high-maintenance (BCHMs) women and mistake her for a smart and independent gal who will run the relationship for us. We think, "Perfect! I only need to show up now, she will run it from there..." We think we can put 50% into the relationship because, obviously, she will be putting in 150%.

What we don't realize is she is slowly grinding down any pride and self-esteem we have. It is a slow process... one by one we choose to surrender on issues to avoid "discussing" them. "Honey, I think we should rent Dirty Dancing and You've Got Mail tonight"... "Sure, babe, whatever you want".

We learn quickly that the battle that comes from less than full compliance is much worse than complying. Quickly we become the drones that the BCHMs love so much. "Whatever" is the most common word in our vocabulary (unless we change it up with a "Sure" to be nutty). The grind is so subtle that we don't even realize its happening. We think we are in the perfect relationship... no effort. She makes all of the decisions, she decides on the restaurants, coordinates the social calendar and makes us play-dates with her friends' men. We only need to show up - our favorite thing!

After it is too late we see we are, in fact, trapped. We feel the chafing of the collar and leash too late. You would think at that exact moment we would stand up and run... but the grind destroyed our will a long time before that... we got what we asked for (no effort). We hate ourselves as much as we hate the situation but all less than we hate her. Our ONLY outlet is to bitch about the bitch to any poor soul that will listen.

Why don't we change our situation and get out of the relationship? Come on, that would take effort and we don't mix effort with relationships. It would also entail us admitting we were wrong and there will be none of THAT.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 11 doodles

At 9:05 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I couldn't fathom an answer to this question, even though I've seen examples of this situation more times than I can count.

I suspect that a BCHM projects the image that she is too good for...well...everyone, and therefore being with her has the ability to push the poor schmuck ahead in the barstool one-upmanship competition.

MEN!! Don't you guys ever learn from your mistakes?

At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... you are a genius!!! This may be a Q&A for women, but it really helps me put into words and make sense of what I have know all along!

I have read each of your responses and said to myself, "Yep, that's it." I have read them to my wife because you have so eloquently explained my behavior.

The interesting part is what you put in your last response... the whole training issue. I look at my wife and say, "Honey, it will be a lot harder to go against the hardwired and natural response of my male brain and train me to do what you want... or... you can just love me the way I am." She actually gets that! Even though I have explained this to her a hundred different ways... she finally gets it!

Thanks Mean Joe! (Please tell me you get it)

At 12:18 PM, Blogger A* said...

Look at you inspiring and shit. :) Love the new template! Seriously is there anything you can't do?? Damn my boyfriend is smart, talented and EFFING good in bed. Hee. I am a lucky high-maintenance girl.

At 12:43 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Mean Joe... I need more clues. I am just a caveman lawyer and don't get your crazy modern references.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i LOVE this new look! i can't see it in firefox (it's a jumbled mess), but i love you enough to open internet explorer so that i can still read your blog! excellent job!

At 5:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mean Joe Green... Coke-a-cola commercial... The kid at the football game and Mean Joe Green throws him his jersey... and the kids says, "Thanks Mean Joe!"

Please tell me you remember!

At 5:31 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Of course I remember that! I thought it was a reference that may reveal to me your identity... oh anonymous one!

At 2:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm anonymous... I have a blog, but it isn't very good(or at least not as creative as yours). So until I get more creative you'll just have to know me as Mean Joe Green (see I'm creative... honest!).

At 2:52 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...


NOW you are being silly....

Reveal yourself!

At 1:40 AM, Blogger allison said...

BCHMs sound like a missle.

Come to think of it, they kinda' are.

At 4:51 PM, Blogger poet1b said...

I know alot of guys who are happy in bitchy relationships. The more she bitches, the more excuses he has to fuck off, and he always has something to talk about. You know what the bitch did today... Somehow its a formula that works for some people.


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