*I would be lying

*Drinks are on Uncle Hof

*Leave notes in his shirt pocket

*There will be none of THAT

*The Socks Betray Him

*Coffee with 2 sugars and 1 compliment

*Did you?

*I ask you to do ONE effing thing

*Why Do Men....

*Cracked the 450 mark

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Trained in the gentle art

"So then my boss sends me an email that actually dared ask me to..."
"Why don't you meet with him?", he interrupts
She continues, "...dared to ask me to make sure everyone uses the cover sheets on the TPS reports. Can you believe he actually..."
"Why not forward his email to everyone so they know?"
She pauses and gives him 'the look' then continues, "...he actually sent that to me after what happened last week?"
"You talked to Corporate about that shit from last week, right?"
"Never mind."
She storms off to the kitchen.

This is the sixth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post. This is a very special installment; I will (drum roll) answer two questions at once!

WordWhiz asked: Why do men never want to LISTEN...they just want to tell you what you "NEED" to do?
A* asked: Why Do Men feel the need to "fix" shit [ed note: do you kiss your mama with that mouth?] for everyone but mostly women?

You two lovely ladies are referring to the same phenomenon. You ask the same question but in your own unique (and ever-so eloquent) way. As a general rule, men are very practical. We gauge and appraise based on utility. Everything is marked by its efficacy.

Unlike women, conversation for men is for one thing, and one thing only, to disseminate information. If we take the time, energy and valuable brain horsepower to talk about a problem it is in the hopes of getting the problem solved. Shh... there are two men over there about to engage in conversation... let's sneak over and eavesdrop.

Dude A:"Wassup?"
Dude B:"Same shit."
A: "How's the old lady?"
B: "Pissing me off. She won't get off my nuts. Every minute it's 'where is this going' and 'where do you see us in a year'"
A: "In a YEAR?"
B: "Yup"
A: "She's a whack-job, Bro. Cut your losses while you still can."
B: "True."

See? Very efficient. In the fewest words subject B brings A up to speed on the relationship with his lady friend - problem established. In fewer words A offers his solution to said problem. In one word B closes without indicating if the advice will be heeded. A is fine with this because he could give a rat's ass about B's relationships with the ladies. Keep in mind that B would have never brought up the trials and tribulations of the relationship if he did not want A's advice. Instead of the "Pissing me off..." response he would say "Fine." and the conversation would then become about sports or the ass on the cocktail waitress.

This is our world and how we work. You women are very different. You have conversations for the sake of conversation. Nothing wrong with it, just very foreign to us boys. When you bring up a situation or a problem we assume it is because you are fishing for solutions. You put problem on the table we want to help solve it. Why the hell else would you bring it up?

There is also an element of our basic nature in play here. Women are genetically programmed as nurtures, we are programmed protectors. We want to protect you from any threats or problems. It is the roles we established at the beginning of time and social evolution has yet to break. Why, even in the face of the women's movement and effemination of men are these basic instincts in place? Simple, they work.

Men find the nurture side of women attractive. We love that you want to take care of us and help us learn to express ourselves. We love that you create safe environments for us to be vulnerable. We are not vulnerable around our own, it makes us the runt in the herd and we will be thinned. Your ability to care is in proportion to our level of attraction.

Women find the protector side of men attractive. You love when we got your back. Regardless of how liberated you are, there is a part of you that wants to be taken care of by a strong man. Our ability to provide security and stability is in proportion to your level of attraction to us. Don't argue about it, accept it. It's OK. It does not make you weak, it does not make you subordinate to us.

We want your life to be as close to problem-free as possible. Our desire to make your life as easy as possible is one way we express our love.

Solution: Here is where training comes in. I was trained in the gentle art of female conversation. Once I understood the rules, I became quite good at it. All men are capable of this; just explain to them the rules. Outside the context of one of these conversations, take a moment and explain to your man that there are times when you just want us to listen to you talk. You don't want our opinion, you don't want our thoughts, you don't want our solutions. You may even appear to ask for some of these things, you still don't want them. Explain to your caveman the rules. We understand rules. Also come up with a key phrase that will alert your man that one of these types of conversations are coming. Let us know what game is about to be played so we can recall the rules you taught us.

"Honey, I need you to just listen right now, OK?"

[man-brain] Recalling past conversation. Loading rules. Load successful. Play.

"Sure sweetie, what's going on."

In this post I mention you can only train us to do four new things (total). This is a good one to go ahead and fill one of the slots with. You will be happy you did.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 17 doodles

At 10:08 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i had a wonderful conversation last night very much to do with this very topic.

i was upset by something, i vented to a male friend, he listened. then he actually went and stood up for me (without my prior knowledge), and then told me what he did. i didn't ask for his help, i was just venting. his actions didn't solve my problem (only i can do that), but it sure did make me feel better.

At 10:10 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

oh yeah, and it's almost THURSDAY! aren't you soooo excited! i'm excited for you! (i gotta live vicariously through you and a*. for now that is)

At 10:14 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Tomorrow cannot come soon enough...

Your first comment validates everything I said in my post... Underhill better get his ass in gear (your a keeper).

At 10:15 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

(and I am an idiot... i do know the difference between your and you're)


At 11:09 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

lol! you're too funny, i am the same way about spelling (i cannot stand when i post something, re-read it and see i spelled something wrong, drives me mad).

p.s. a little secret - he did get his ass in gear ;)

At 11:16 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...


Are you going to Vegas? TELL TELL TELL TELL....

This would be bigger than the A*+Hof first meeting...


At 11:45 AM, Blogger A* said...

WTF?? How am I not part of this conversation??? Hello?? OMG! TALK WOMAN!!

Oh BTW- I kiss YOU with this mouth and you LIKE it...

It's almost Thursday!! :)

At 12:42 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

nope. not going to vegas. but going somewhere...

*smiles mischievously*

At 12:42 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

oh, btw, i love the both of you!

At 12:43 PM, Blogger A* said...

Darling we totally LOVE you back.

Hmm..keep it under wraps but you know we want A FULL report soon. Could it be Cali??

At 1:04 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i promise a FULL report as soon as i get back!

At 1:06 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

*kicks curb*

You're lucky I've got my trip tomorrow to keep me occupied.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger A* said...

Sandra- please excuse him not only has he quit smoking but apparently the jimmy is in a twist. All work and no smoke makes Hof a cranky boy.
Do your thing and have a GREAT time. :)Play nice and send Underhill our love.

At 2:42 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...


At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was lucky or (unlucky... depends on how you look at it) to grow up and spend a lot of time with my mother, 2 aunts and a female cousin. I have been taught to be the "good listener." However, growing up "good listener" often landed me in the "friend zone" (as uttered by the insightful Chris Rock). As a side note, I was friends with my wife for 7 years before we started dating.

Anyway... the comment I wanted to make is that you are absolutely correct! It is a hell of a lot easier to talk to the guys. You say what you mean and mean what you say. Simple to the point AND if you're screwing something up, guys will tell you and then tell you how to fix it.

Mean Joe Green

At 3:46 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I missed this one earlier. I'm sneaking peeks from work in a tiny, minimized window. You posted two in a row...you're on a roll. Actually, I'm glad now that I missed it earlier or might have missed reading the earlier posted comments. What the heck?? Are ALL you bloggers hooking up here? Where's my Vegas date? Where's my "wouldn't you like to know?" weekend? Whah!!!

Ummm...by the way, I'm not just wanting you to listen here. I'm wanting you to FIX IT!!!

At 4:17 PM, Blogger A* said...

LOL WW!! Honey it will happen.

Actually Hof and I weren't hooked up thru blogs but by a once mutual friend.

In any event, Hof has Craftsman on ice and ready to be shipped. You won't be, uh, disappointed.


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