*Hearing about last night

*Not all the brains in one skull

*I just happen to see it fall

*A sexist society afterall

*Feeling voyeuristic

*It took root and blossomed

*Thanks, Dane (andy), for letting me "sketch you up...

*A*'s new template is up

*Cross your fingers

*David shrugs his shoulders


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Monday, June 20, 2005

The bottomless appetite

Carmen Elecktra, the day after her marriage to Dennis Rodman, leaves their Vegas suite to do some shopping. She tells him she will be gone all day but comes home early to see if he wants to get some lunch.

She walks in the door of the suite to find her husband for 22 hours lying in bed with another woman.

"Who is that girl!?!", she shrieks as she enters.

Shrugging his shoulders, he replies, "What girl?"

This is the twelfth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

A coworker of A*'s asked: Why do men cheat?

To put it simply, he cheats because you've gotten fat and she is better in bed than you.

OK, I just couldn't resist... we now return you to the regularly scheduled real answer:

There are no shortages on theories of why men stray (foilwoman gave a great list on one of my comments):

1) My wife/girlfriend and I no longer have satisfying sex, it used to be satisfying, but it no longer is.
This is an excuse men will use for cheating but it is not WHY they cheat.

(2) My wife/girlfriend and I don't have enough sex, when we have it it's fine, but once a month, sorry, no thank you.
This is another excuse but it's not WHY.

(3) My wife/girlfriend isn't adventurous sexually and I want to play,.
(not WHY)

(4) My wife/girlfriend has some medical condition that limits or prohibits sex.
Hmmm... this could be a WHY but is such a rare case.

(5) my wife/girlfriendrefuses me or withholds sex as punishment.
(not WHY)

(6) My wife/girlfriendhas become unattractive.
This is is getting closer but not close enought to WHY.

(7) We NEVER have sex anymore.
This is a symptom of why but not WHY.

(8) I want some variety in my life.
See #7 above

(9) Our marriage/relationship is falling apart, I'm really scouting for a replacement.
Getting closer, but not quite the WHY.

(10) Hey, I'm a guy, I like to fool around -- one woman for the next 40 years? Are you crazy?
So close...

Most of the excuses above point the finger at the partner. She's not this. She doesn't do this (anymore or ever). Blah, blah, blah. Many men will offer one of the above excuses AND think it is why they are straying. It's not. Each of the above reasons fail to address the center issue. The core motivator that puts them in the bed of another. Each of the above creates the feeling that someone else is making them cheat.

As with everything in our lives, nobody "makes" us do anything. No one forces our hand. Men stray for one central reason....

We don't feel attractive or desired in our current relationship.

Yes, folks, this is why we men stray. We are, in our heart, insecure little boys that want to feel potent and desired. Men are just like women in that we love nothing more than to feel sexy, irresistable and desired. We want to feel attractive.

When we are in a relationship for any amount of time and things become routine we often begin to wonder, "can I still attract women?" It is a natural question born of everyone's insecurities. Chris Rock jokes that "men are only as faithful as their opportunities". There is some truth to this. When men are in an established relationship and encounter another woman who shows interest it can be an ego boost. What he does with this new interest depends on him. If he is secure with himself and his current relationship, the new interest will be just taken as a compliment. If he is insecure about his potency then he may test it in new waters. A new woman can make a man feel young, attractive and sexy.

Solution: There is only so much you can do. Ultimately it comes down to the man's self image. If he has a low self image you are in trouble. He will likely stray. If he has a high self image and is secure about his looks and attractiveness, then you can help be reinforcing this. Make a constant effort to make you man feel captivating, charming, alluring and irresistible. Tell him how handsome he is. Initiate sex and be affectionate. When you stop showing interest in sex and reduce how affectionate you are, you play into his self doubt and insecurity. You are priming the field for another woman to come in and make him feel desirable.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" refers to those men who are insecure and need to feel attractive to as many women as possible. They cheat once and will do it again to try and feed the bottomless appetite of their insecurities. If you are with a man who is confident and centered, you can help him by reinforcing this feeling with your attention.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 16 doodles

At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's true, it's true... men cheat because they don't feel attrative anymore, they're insecure or both (speaking from experience here... my X was extremely insecure). Ya know ladies, it's not always about what can your man do for you, how can your man please you, he needs to do this, he needs to do that, blah, blah, blah, blah. advice: you take a minute (he's a guy, so yeah, it'll only take a minute, haha!) to make him feel like he's the sexiest, hottest, most attractive, man out there (moan a lot and call him big daddy!) and he won't leave you. you want him to make you feel wanted, desired, and beautiful? well DUH he want's the same too! and ya know what else? next time you're out cruising the mall on a lazy sunday afternoon, and he overhears you say, "Ahhh, what a cute bag!" it won't be 5 seconds before he's up at the counter purchasing it for you. why you ask? BECAUSE YOU WOKE HIM UP THIS MORNING WITH A BJ!

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

anon - LOL! how true, how true. i dated a guy who, after me giving him a bj before going shopping, had no problems dropping $500 on a new purse for me. men can be so easy sometimes. ;)

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger Riptider said...

Not to advertise, but I posted a long one on this very subject not a week ago.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I just read it... great post.

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

How very true Hof. When my husband cheated on me our sex life was great. Still is. And I asked him to tell me the truth and he said it was because she made him feel good about himself. She made him feel sexy and desirable. It didn't have anything to do with loving or not loving me. How strange men are sometimes. Having this ability to separate fucking and love. I wish I could do that.

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Wow... I have to give him credit for being honest with you and himself on why he did it.

Has he been able to restore your trust?

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Well, I definitely live on a different planet . . . . although maybe men's and women's reasons are different. Swimming sideways' post was great, too.

Melanie: I think there are women who can separate sex from love and vice versa. We aren't encouraged to think that way, but we certainly do exist. I think for men, it has simply been more of an option.

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger Islandgirl said...

Hof, can you and A* please put the Why do series into book form (you can also add that fantastic post about flying, too, please!!!) These are getting better and better everytime! So much knowledge. My cup is overflowing!!!

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

*blush*

the "flying" post... do you mean the one on superheroes?

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Funny how women feel just as insecure, especially after having kids and having to deal with a man "looking" at other women walking down the street..... but do we stray because of our insecurities???

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I'm going over to A*'s and asking her. I will submit it as a "Why do women...?"

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Islandgirl said...

Nah uh Hof, "Learn to take your freaking time..." although I don't think I've read the one about superheros... superheros and oral sex- interesting mix???

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Wonderful post. Although I have a hard time believing that is the central reason...I will think about that one for a little bit.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Yes he has. But it's a long story. Love your blog btw.

 
At 12:02 AM, Anonymous Christina said...

*applauds*

This is all perfectly understandable to me, because I believe women cheat for the same reasons.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger WendyKat said...

i think some cheat not because they don't feel attractive, but because they are being taken for granted, taken advantage of, and being used by the woman they have fallen out of love from...

but that's my opinion...and only applies to a select few.

 

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