*Coal in your colon

*A white dude in a top hat with a black manslave

*Ask not, "Why" but "Why not?"

*The first time we forget

*My "Why do men"

*Caveman porn

*I will cut off that toothprick of yours

*Like we are SOOOOO important

*From the archives

*A tool not an overlord

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Monday, June 27, 2005

Brilliant and meant to be reused

Time is an illusion...

At least at three or four years old it seems like it is. When I was just a toddler I would often ask my mother how long will it be until X happens. At four, I barely understood concepts like food being used exclusively for eating (vs. throwing) nor the appropriate canvas for my astonishing crayon masterpieces; when Mom would answer with any time period other than "soon" or "later" I was unable to wrap my bantam brain around it. It was not a big ordeal until....

They told my pygmy butt we were going to Disney World.

Within hours of that announcement I invented a version of Chinese torture that required no water....

"how long till Din'ney Wurd?"
"Soon, Hof, soon"
"how long till we go to Mickey's house?"
"Soon, Hof, soon"
"Oh, Mom, Mom, MOM!!!!!!!!"
"how long till Din'ney Wurd?"
"Sweetie," as she kneeled down to meet me eye-to-eye, "we are going to Disney World in about three months."

I tottled off as that answer satisfied me... until I realized I had no clue what a month was. After a full three minutes of peace, Mom found me tugging at her demin skirt again.

"Mom... mom.... mom?..... MOM!!!!"
"How longs a mumfph?"

Mom first tried to explain how many days are in a month. With no real understanding of what "30" was (outside of the word I squeezed between twenty-nine and thrity-one) being it could not be represented with the fingers on two hands, she tried explaining it was ten weeks away. I understood 10 as, with both palms out in her face and every finger stretched, I could show her ten.

"ten weekfs till Din'ney Wurld?"
"yes, baby"
"Dis many?"
"yep, that's ten"
"Mom... mom.... mom?... MOM!?!?!?!"
"how long's a weekfs?"

This was the moment a new measurement system for time was born....

"Hof, it's ten cartoon days until we go see Mickey" made total sense to me. Cartoon day (Saturday) was the best day EVER and I roughly grasped how often it came. SWEET! Until the ten cartoon days got closer to four cartoon days until we go see Mickey. I started getting REAL antsy and wanted to know how long till the next Cartoon Day so I could bend one more finger when I showed everyone (regardless if they asked or not) how many Cartoon Days until Mickey.

"Honey, the next Cartoon Day is in three days"
The tilt of my head and furrow of my brow made it clear to her I had no idea what a "day" was.
"A day is from sleep to sleep."
BINGO! EUREKA! I got it. Another new measure of time was born.... The Sleep. Four Sleeps till Cartoon Day, Three Sleeps and my friend could come over, Nine Sleeps until my birthday, etc, etc.

Mom carried the Cartoon Days and Sleeps on through the raising of her other three children. It was brilliant and meant to be reused. To this day... all four of us will pull out a "Five Sleeps" or "Three Cartoon Days" because it still makes perfect sense.

P.S. Four Sleeps and A* comes to visit.

there are 15 doodles

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

Sometimes I often forget what it was actually like to be a small child. Having to put everything in the most simplist forms to even grasp the idea of understanding something. I'm sure for those 10 weeks, going to disney land was all you cared about... nothing else mattered.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger Maria said...

You grew up in Syracuse - small world! As far as I'm concerned, Northern Utah can drop off into the Great Salt Lake.

At 1:01 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Yep... just outside of Syracuse in a small town (Skaneateles) on a lake.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i do the same thing with my daughter. well, almost. since everyday is cartoon day now (i love cartoon network), i couldn't translate weeks like that, but as for days, i did do the sleep to sleep thing too! and to help with the weeks/months explaination, at the ripe old age of 3-ish, i bought a huge wall planning calendar (like you use in an office) and we used stickers and created countdowns to 'the day'.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Kira said...

You forgot the other time measurement system! "When do we leave to go to the toy store?" "About the time it would take you to watch Lilo and Stitch plus one Veggie Tales tape." That's actually the method I use with my son (and did with my daughter, but at 7 now she 'gets it.'). I never blocked out weeks for them like that, but I sort of did days in your reverse: when you wake up in the morning for breakfast all the way til when you wake up again for breakfast.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger lauritajuanitasanchez said...

This is a terrible tip...but one I'll share here. I don't tell my kids ANYTHING! I don't tell them that we're going to do anything fun until we are actually on the road to do it. WHY? So that no one gets their little hopes up. We might be planning on a trip to Disney (not fucking likely, but just for example), and then someone will get rotovirus or some shit that'll screw up our plans. So...no...I don't tell them anything.

Four sleeps till A comes...then NO sleep when she gets there! :)

At 6:12 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Clearly it is unnecessary for either you or A to relocate. You're together more than most couples who live in the same city. Hell...you're together more than some couples who live in the same HOUSE!!

I love this measurement thing! Your mother was brilliant. It's obvious where you got your creative smarts!!

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

That is the sweetest story I've ever read. Brilliant. I might have to use that. My five and seven year olds are constantly asking when, when, when...

At 6:38 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Hey, I love Skaneateles. The finger lakes. Upstate NY. Yeah!

At 8:25 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Hey hof, I have a question for you. Since I'm new to your blog, I was wondering how you and A met? Did you guys meet through your blogs?

At 8:25 PM, Blogger Kira said...

HAHA! Laura, that's what my folks always did to US! We'd get woken up at 7a and be told, "GET UP! We're going to DISNEY today!" That way, everybody slept fine the night before ;) I was raised in Tampa, and it's like an hour, hour and a half from disney so we went about once a year. We NEVER knew when. We were woken up and TOLD!

At 10:11 PM, Blogger dopeybugs said...


I am from Syracuse too-

It must have been something in the water...


At 2:40 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Wow, small world.

I know all of you are glad to get out of Syracuse! I know I am. BRRRRR and no jobs!

Melanie: A* and I first met in person through a mutual friend. We did not "fall" for each other then but... well you know what happened since.

Check out this post to get a nifty history lesson on the adventure of our wooing and romance....

Archive of Love!

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

What a great story and what a great artist that could tell it so well! :)

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Oh cool. Thanks Hof. You guys are so sweet.


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