*A white dude in a top hat with a black manslave

*Ask not, "Why" but "Why not?"

*The first time we forget

*My "Why do men"

*Caveman porn

*I will cut off that toothprick of yours

*Like we are SOOOOO important

*From the archives

*A tool not an overlord

*And I am glad

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Sunday, June 26, 2005

Coal in your colon

[What are you looking at? Yea, you.

Don't look around like you don't know who I'm talking to. HEY! Look, we need to talk. I hate to be the one to tell you this but your so-called friends only whisper about it when you are not around... I, HofSnark, talk not behind your back. I, HofSnark speaketh straight at you. ANYWAY, you are starting to get really heavy. I'm not kidding; your jeans are not shrinking in the dryer. You are getting fat. Don't shoot the messenger, I only call it as I see it. Quit stuffing your face and lose the saddlebags. Cow. Are you wondering who this little message was for? I said I was talking to you. This is not code for someone else. You... YOU. Cow. Super Heifer, stop eating so much.... you were never that good looking. Now you are fat and ugly. Yep.... I am still talking to you. Someday you'll thank me. If you need someone to jam their finger down your throat after dinner, I'm on call.

HofSnark here trying, against all odds, to save this blister on the skin of bloggerton. Hofzinser is starting to get sappy again and I can't stomach much more of it. So, loser (still talking to you), here is a post that is actually worth reading....

There are those of you that misspell on your blog. A misplaced "e" before an "i" or a straight-up typo is something even I can tolerate. Some of you misspell in your posts with vengeance. You sound like an seventh grade teacher from West Virginia. Some think you misspell because you're stupid. Granted, you probably are stupid, but that's not why you misspell. You misspell because, deep down inside, you hate your readers. You hate them and refuse to take the time to spell check your shit. Well, I hate you too so we're Kosher.

I was tooling around blogsphere this morning and found a blog, which at first glance, appears to be in a different language. Then, at closer inspection, I realized it is supposed to be in English.

The nightmare came to full course once I realized this person was spelling this way as an effort. So, God help me, if I ever meet this cretin I will donkey punch the fucklick. Here are two of his posts. The name of the twit and the twit's blog are removed to protect the guilty. I am publishing this without permission... better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. Get ready.... here it comes:]

Saturday, June 25, 2005
Who are you? - Never be who you are not!

I duno abt others, bt for myself, many atimes, I wish I was some1 else. Mb some1 taller, more yandao, more cool, more sociable & the list goes on & on... Hwever, I'd never realized tt each & every1 of us is a gem on our own. We're precious & special coz there's no1 who is totally the same as who we are. And whoever we compared ourselves to, u'll certainly find 1 positive thing u haf tt the other party doesn't. If only u looks deeper into ur heart, there lies a hero u nv noe of. Be proud of urself! U're the best u ever could get!

Friday, June 24, 2005
More than words...- Be tactful with your words!

When u noe something when said will provoke others or start an arguement, den try ur best nt to say. If u really muz tok abt it, be tactful (use the correct words, nicer ones) to avoid hurting others or pick up a quarrel. Let me gif u an example, a common one. When ur frenz accidentally knock over a glass of water & splash onto u, dun start saying, "Y r u so dumb/stupid/careless?!" Mb u cld say, "It's okay, but do be careful next time. It would be quite bad if it was hot water." Coz u didn't gave them -ve remarks, bt remind them 2b careful & the seriousness if the same situation were to happen again. It might nt be a v.gd e.g, bt u ppl noe wat I meant 2 say. So dun start shooting ur mouth off the next time. We haf a brain 2 tink, dun we?

[Jesus son of god and mary....

I think this dotard (who is 21, by the way) is trying to be cute. "Look at ME! I'm so clever!" *PUNCH* *SPIT* *KICK* Go ahead, struggle fuckstick.... *PUNCH*

Vowels are not optional and numbers denote amounts. You make me work this hard to read you spew how you wish you were "some1 else"? You short unloved dildo... no one is a "gem". Anyone anywhere near a Blogspot domain is a fucking loser; that's why they blog (or worse, read blogs). I'll stick some coal in your colon and show you a gem. We are neither precious nor special. I "noe" you are hoping to make sense of your life. I "noe" you hope that it's not as bad as it seems. This just in; it's as bad as it seems, in fact, it's worse. Your life has no meaning and writing about it on your blog won't change that.

As for your advice on avoiding confrontations.... come by the house tonight so we can talk this over. By "talk this over" I mean tying you to my garage door and wrapping your scrotum in tinfoil so I have something to connect the car battery to. If you have a friend over and he knocks over a glass of water you should not call them stupid... You SHOULD see if their head can fit inside the glass. Push hard enough and all things are possible. We are all gems and we are all special and we all have heads that will (eventually) fit in any vessel.

Shit, Hofzinser must be up, I can hear him brushing his contorted yellow teeth. HofSnark OUT!]

there are 16 doodles

At 10:39 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Oh HofSnark... How could you bring such a person to my attention? Now my head hurts from trying to decipher his pointless driveling (I still don't know waht "tt" stands for. Do I need to turn my decoder ring once more to the left or right?).

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Kira said...

Don't even GET ME STARTED on this issue! ARG! I can't stand that deliberate mispelling or lEEt or whatever it is.

What's worse: don't ever email your English teacher like this--

Hi! How R U? Wassup?


At 12:30 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Now I'm going to be paranoid about you people proof-reading my posts for proper spelling, grammar and punctuation. I was an English major, but I'm a crappy speller!!

Andy: tt may = "that"?? Who knows, but it fits in context. I've seen TTFN (Ta ta for now, a'la Tigger) and TTYL (Talk to you later), but tt is a mystery.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

PS: Could it be that HofSnark and Geekbird are one in the same, or are they just both grumpy, miserable souls?

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Hey, waitaminute!! I saw ONE misspelling YOUR post HafSnark!!

But anyway... I already know I'm fat! I don't need anyone else telling me, thankyouverymuch!! ;)

I was going to say, "Could it be this poster is a teenager? They happen to make up the bullcrap!" But since you mentioned he's 21!!! What an idiot!!

At 2:08 PM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

the dictionanry is my best friend, because my spelling is sadly lacking. spellcheck is the greatest invention!

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

LMFAO!! You are too funny! Just looking at his posts made my head hurt. I didn't even attempt to read them. I've clicked on a few blogs like that and I see their age and it makes me feel old. But hey, at least I can spell.

At 5:48 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Hofsnark, I do love you, truly, but the tinfoil is my weapon of choice (and I am possessive) and wouldn't be as good a conducter as copper or water. So, what have we learned? When planning to torture by applying electricity to genitals, use a really conductive material. And don't use things made out of my main element: I cause pain with tinfoil. I am the master of that domain. I am the mayor of that town.

You may think only Hof would bite into a sandwich I gave him that had tinfoil inside it, but you would be wrong. Steal my primary component again, and I use it on you. In the most painful way. When you least expect it . . . .

Why is it that guys know so little about effective torture techniques, but look so could when said effective techniques are applied to them? Hofsnark, you're getting this warning because in general I like you, and you slapped Hof around last time (and I liked watching that). Don't irk me again. [Ominous music in the background . . . .]

At 8:36 PM, Blogger vbkim said...

They do still english...right? How did he get through school? Is that ebonics? My brain hurts.

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

foilwoman: Actually, tinfoil, i.e. "aluminum" is the best conductor of electricity there is. Copper is a close second. Sorry, I used to deal with "electrical wire for a living and felt the horrific need to point this out. Most definitely not trying to be nasty...because, well I think you rock. And you are the Queen of Tinfoil...just sayin...

At 10:01 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

Eye dunt undrestnd wut yur prablim iz sun! Da South wil rize agein! Shut yur fukin asswhol up ur Ill cum shuv a Rebel Flag up et bedder tan yur liddle A* kan!

Sorry, I could not fight the urge.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger Dragonfly said...

HofSnark... have you found any blogs written by young asians yet. They can be interesting, yet painful too.

I found with the bizarro spelling blogs you have to read quickly and stop thinking about what you are reading to decipher them... Then again, I have a 12 year godchild and have been deciphering bizarro spelling for years.
It's easier for me, I guess.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Melanie: I bow to your superior knowledge of electricity. Thank you for correcting that deficit in my knowledge. Still, Hofsnark needs to watch his step. The foil is mine, conductive, non-conductive, whatever. Use it in vain at your peril.

At 11:57 PM, Blogger ERL said...

holy god - is that serious? that is beyond irritating. i think they should be kicked off of blogger.

At 2:12 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Asshats abound on Blogger. This post's quotes are proof.

At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Bathroom Reading said...

I can understand the urge to shorten words when on IM, though. I IMd A* aa couple of times, and I used the word "commensurate," in one. Extremely unwieldy. But in any other communication? You're absolutely right.


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