*My "Why do men"

*Caveman porn

*I will cut off that toothprick of yours

*Like we are SOOOOO important

*From the archives

*A tool not an overlord

*And I am glad

*None of us had perfect parents

*The bottomless appetite

*Hearing about last night

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Thursday, June 23, 2005

The first time we forget

He steps out of the shower and wraps the towel around himself as he runs to answer the phone.

"Hello?", he pants between breaths
"Hey sweetie.... are you getting ready?"
"Yep, just got out of the shower."
"Could you do me a favor?", she whispers.
"Put on some of that cologne you wore on our first date. It smells so good on you... and it drives me crazy"

This is the thirteenth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

The newly-smitten WordWhiz asked: Why do men only care about how they smell for the first couple weeks of the relationship?

Let's start by making something abundantly clear... cologne is a construct of the Female Industrial Complex. Cologne has a dubious history; it was invented in France where female armpit shaving is considered optional. To make matters worse, it is named after a region in Germany (a country where national borders are drawn in pencil).

The first cologne was invented by Gian Paolo Feminis in 1709. He called it "Aqua Admirabilis" (which loosly translates as "Water Baths Not Needed") and Napolean was rumored to use eight quarts of the stuff a month. Feminis made this first scent from grape essense. The first cologne came from a guy who sucked at making wine. Here is a Dan-Brownism for you... Feminis/Germany= Feminazi? Coincidence? I think not.

Perfumes first came to Europe (and make no mistake about it, cologne is perfume... you women and your word games fool us not) as knights returned from the Crusades. The Muslim world realized that they stink (something many Europeans still fail to realize). The builders of the Library of Alexandria took Puerto Rican showers when Europeans still thought the world was a flat plate on the back of a giant turtle. To honor using perfume instead of soap, early explorers of the new world named an island in the carribean to honor the practice. In early June there is even an annual parade in NYC to honor enshrouding yourself in cologne in lieu of taking a bath. It's not called the Shower With Soap Day Parade now is it?


We know you women are all about the cologne. We use it early to help snare your attention. As time passes and we feel confident we have your interest for reasons other than our scent, we tend to lapse. For us, cologne is a tool used for a specific phase in the courting ritual. Once the relationship moves to the later phases, we don't see the need for this weapon.

It is a mistake on our part. Women associate the smell to the days when we did the dog-and-pony show to impress you. You associate it to the days when we opened the car door for you, suprised you with flowers, blah, blah, blah..... We men need to remember it is still a tool in the later phases to remind the lady of those times. We need to think of cologne as our own time machine.

Solution: If you want your man to remeber to use cologne then use positive reinforcement. Early on always make mention of how good he smells right before you get frisky. Preface kissing and touching with a simple, "God, you smell so sexy." Never say the cologne smells good... make it clear it smells good ON US. Trust me, we will remember.

The first time we forget to wear the scent, drop a hint that you noticed its absense. "Sweetie, don't forget to put on some X, it drives me crazy." If we learn that the scent improves our chances of nookie, we won't forget it again... ever. You only need to make the connection. If you NAG us about wearing cologne... well, we know how effective nagging is.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 13 doodles

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Kira said...

You know, since I now have many friends over in France and have visited several times...I have to say that the no armpit shaving thing for women is a myth ;) Every single female I saw or know over there shaves under her pits.

I am very, very much about smell. I like a guy's natural smell. I also like his smell down...uhhh...ok, this isn't a porn site, never mind. If a guy doesn't smell good WITHOUT the cologne, I don't care if he wears cologne. I used to hate cologne on guys because half of them made me sneeze. However, I date a man who habitually puts on a small splash of a specific cologne every time he gets out of the shower, and HE trained ME to associate it with the goodness of sex. How's that for reverse roles? Thanks to Alex, now I like cologne on men. I never used to notice it before, but I have to say that now, at this late date, I notice it and appreciate it.

At 1:52 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Miss Kira... french women that DO shave their pits is not funny.


At 2:16 PM, Blogger Kira said...

...well, yeah, but it's one of those things everybody assumes is true, so I felt obligated to point out it's not ;)

Uhhhh I still laughed, hof? So it's ok? LOL ;)

At 2:33 PM, Blogger Paige said...

So, what about us girls that are allergic to cologne and it makes us sneeze until we can no longer date that guy?

Colonge=stinky and gross for me.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

print out my spelunking post and have it tatooed to the inside of his forearm.

At 4:55 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i have to say that i LOVE it when a guy smells good!

when i met B for the first time, he smelled so damn incredibly good that i could not even keep my hands off of him. he remembered me telling him once (before we even met) how much i love a guy who smells good. he listens AND learns well. i'm so proud of him.

At 7:01 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Sandra: Good for you! Hold onto that guy!! A guy who LISTENS and REMEMBERS is one in a million!!

Uncle Hof: Thanks for this insight. What would I do without you. Now that I actually have a man with whom to apply all your sage advice, it is even MORE valuable!!

Going to listen to the rest of your interview now. I'll be back to comment.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Can't access BR's blog. Can't find server. He must be working on it. I'll try again a little later!!

At 7:30 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Okay...challenge taken up! Add me to the list. I will be back to comment when I can access BR's interview with the Hofzinser!

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Excellent answer Hof!

One thing for folks who have men who wear cologne that makes them sneeze...

There's two reasons--one, they're showering in it (anything overloading the nose will make you sneeze); two, they're wearing one with something that irritates your nose.

To remedy one, try catching him just as he's going to put some on, and do it for him. Make it a nice intimate moment; meanwhile, you're showing him a level that you can handle.

To remedy two, pick one out that doesn't drive you batchit and make a present of it.

At 11:38 PM, Blogger Kira said...

It was number two for me. I used to have very hideous allergies, and actually what I think happened was that I grew out of most of them. Alex's cologne is not one that bothers my nose, plus he's light with it. Although when he has to head back to France for any length of time, I make him put a little extra on an old tshirt of his so I have something to smell while he's gone...

...am I the only chick who likes that sorta thing? haha!

At 12:44 AM, Anonymous christina said...

Ah, FemiNazi - a word I'm familiar with considering people have spoken it in regards to me more than once.

And, yay for the tips on how to keep beaus smelling good..."bad smelling stuff" is definitely one of my [few] turnoffs.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I think it's because guys wear a scent when they're "on the prowl" and once they've "captured" the attention of their affection, they feel they don't need to use the "hunting" tools anymore.

It's like a guy version of "nesting".


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