[Sorry if I seem a bit groggy, I just woke up from the coma that hofzinser's audio interview put me in. Just when you think this puss-spitting blog couldn't get any worse he wastes twenty minutes of your life that you will never get back talking with urinal boy. Now he is all tangled up with that tinfoil chick about how she is getting some on the side. OOOO isn't hofzinser soooo smart? OOOOO doesn't he always know the right answers. OOOOO I wonder if it's hard to keep your balance on such a rickety soapbox. Lay off ms. reynolds wrap, hof, and put your friggin high horse in the grinder and make dog food. What a fuckstick.
As usual, it's me, HofSnark here to save this god-forsaken blog by offering up a post that is actually worth reading. I got this gem of a spam in my inbox last night. I gotta give the guy points for creativity. I also have to give him a free trip to County for a anal fiesta party with seventeen of his closest cell mates. My comments are in red.]
To: HofSnark[So I guess I'll be a millionaire soon. Sweet. HofSnark OUT!]
From: Col. Noh Dae-Jung(rtd)
Greetings from me and my family. [blah, blah send me pictures of your daughter in her commie school uniform] Getting your contact was not an easy task because since I am not computer literate, [ever notice that all spammers claim to be computer illiterate? Is this supposed to throw me off his trail? Am I supposed to now think, "sheesh, this must be for real because the guy is too stupid to try and pull the rug over my eyes". I may have been born yesterday, Colonel, but I stayed up all night.] I ordered my son to seek a partner very far away [seek a partner? far away? Not many fathers order their sons into a long-distance gay relationship. Hats off for being so open minded!] and he went to the institute of International Business to apply and he paid them the charges. [sheesh, those bastards at the institute gave you my email? Muther effer, that's it, I'm calling them today and giving them a piece of my mind. I sign up for their free brochure on starting your own white slavery ring and now I end up with this effing email.] My name is NOH DAE-JUNG, [No Day Young? I think I met your sister, Yes Night Long when I went for a massage the other day. She loved me long time.] The brother of GENERAL. NOH TAE-WOO, [Damn! You are a Colonel and he is a General? I bet that pisses you off to no end. I bet thanksgiving is no fun. "why can't you be more like your brother?", "We knew you would never be as good as he is", "Pass the roasted cocker spaniel stir-fry".] the former President of South Korea who ascended to power through a popular electoral victory in 1988 to 1992. [Now that is a long fucking election. Four years to elect your brother? Suddenly our elections don't seem so bad. Was it a "popular electoral victory"? I thought I read he was elected because he was unpopular and lost. Oh, wait, it was Dubbaya who was unpopular and lost himself into office against Al Bore; my bad.] After serving duly, [what the eff is "duly"? Is that the wonderful Korean feline dish I keep hearing about? What is the president doing serving people dinner anyway? Does it give you the runs?] he was accused of mass embezzlement [Really? I though he was accused of stealing pens from the supply closet. Fuck CNN and their shotty reporting.] which ran into billions of won ["billions of won"? What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, wait, South Korea's currency is the won. So let me convert this into dollars.... billions of won, in today's dollar is about $23.56. They got pissed over $25? Tell them to chill the fuck out. While you're at it, tell them Kimchee is fucking nasty. How did you flat-faced dits come up with Kimchee? Was one of you waking around one day thinking, "I wonder what this head of cabbage would taste like if I took it, buried it in the ground and let it rot for a few weeks. hmmmm, rotten cabbage"] because of the GREAT OLYMPICS 1988 which brought Korea to the world lime light, [did it now? I could have sworn our little police action there in the 50's put your shit country on the map.] and was arrested but released after long years of incarceration [did he seem different after prison? Lucky for him he was in Korea. We know how you Asians are hung so the anal bender was not too bad. Imagine going to prison in Kenya. Having one of those horse-endowed cannibals making you their girlfriend cannot be fun... Ow... I said, "OW"... Hold shit OUCHMUTHER THAT THING IS... FOR THE LOVE OF ANYTHING IT'S NOT GOING TO FIT!] and now under scrutiny. Before my brother's was overthrown, I secretly siphoned the sum of 30 mil United States Currency out of Seoul [siphoned? Why do I have this image of you taking a rubber tube and slipping into the country's coffers and sucking on it until the money started pouring through?] and deposited the money with a security firm that transports valuable goods and through diplomatic means.[transports through diplomatic means? What the fuck does that mean? They carry packages by talking to other countries with four pound earpieces and a interpretor?] I am contacting you [pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me] because I want you to deal with the security company [why? Do they still have you on hold?] and claim the money on my behalf [riiiiiiiiiight] since I have declared that the consignment belong to my foreign business partner. [Ok, I'll do it but no kissing with tongue, no salad tossing and you can only go one knuckle deep] You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. [shit, for 30 million I'll kiss your hung-so-tiny and make you breakfast in the morning. By the way, you getting those pictures of your daughter I asked for?]
I expect you to declare what percentage of the total money you will take for your assistance. [I expect you to ask me for my social security number as a sign of good faith. How luck am I, you just happen to pick me, a complete stranger to help you get 30 million out of your country. What were the chances!?!] When I receive your positive response I will let you know where the security company is and the payment pin code [let me guess it first. Ummm, hmmmm, let me think, is it 1 2 3 4?] to claim the money which is very important. [I am so glad you reminded me that 30 million bucks is important. I think 10 million fell out of my pocket into my couch the other day and I forget to check. I'll be right back] we do not want the government of my Country to know about the money because they will believe I got the money from my brother while he was still in office as president. [Now where would they get that idea? Everybody knows you gave the best head on the whole peninsula and that is a golden path to riches] Once you confirm the receipt of the money ,I will come over with my Children to your Country [just send your daughter] or any Country in Europe to start a new life with my Family. As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, [just out of friggin curiosity, are you at all worried that after you transfer that 30 million into my account that you will have trouble contacting me? Do you think my government might get curious when the bank reports this little Western Union transaction? Do you worry we might, maybe, could end up on a list somewhere in Quantico? I mean, I'm not saying you would have trouble contacting me after you the money, I'm just curious; you know, just asking] we intend to use our own share in acquiring some estates abroad. [I intend to use my share to get many broads.] For this too you shall also be our overseas manager [Ok, now yer pushing it. I'll take your friggin pocket change and all but now you want me to be a landlord? Honestly, do you think this little tidbit sweetens the deal for me? You offer me millions then, as the cherry, you offer me a good steady job. Um, shithead, I will be a millionaire... not looking far a part-timer to help pay the cable bill] of all our properties and you will be paid based on a certain percentage agreed on by both parties. For now, let all our communication be by e-mail [what a shocker! I can't call you and hear your Brooklyn accent?] because my line is right now connected to the South Korean Telecommunication Network services [those bastards charge out the ass for international calls. Good thinking, imagine the money we are saving!] therefore we can not take the chances of being heard. [I think unsecure email is a much better idea. Nobody can read other people's email. Damn, no wonder they made you a Colonel. I know, I know, so many thought you were promoted because your brother was President. I never thought that, just so you know, ole' pal o' mine]
Thank you in anticipation of your cooperation.
Yours faithfully, [better be faithfully because if I hear that you are out at the club all huggin' up on the tramp again I will cut off that toothprick of yours. Don't forget the picture either.]