*Thanks, Dane (andy), for letting me "sketch you up...

*A*'s new template is up

*Cross your fingers

*David shrugs his shoulders

*Learn to take your freaking time

*In the off-chance you run into Dad today

*Maybe streamers fell?

*Seeing how your didn't ask...

*Ya made someone's week

*Gotta second?


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Wednesday, June 15, 2005

It took root and blossomed

[Good morning you blog-reading freak. Shouldn't you be working or cleaning or making something? I still can't believe you read the crap hofzinser has been posting lately.... "learn to lick this", "cross your fingers", "draw the baby", "la ti fikkin dinky da".... what an effing pansy.

Your friendly neighborhood HofSnark is here to save the day with a post actually worth reading. He's at Dunkin Donuts so I have a few minutes. I'm sure you've heard hof talk about his poker winnings here before. He goes with me to play poker but does not actually play... I do. He is way too nice [read: pansy-esque] to play poker. For his birthday he should of picked up five hookers from somehwhere along US-1 in Hallendale, taken them all out and ended the night only four (alive). He never listens to me *bleh*.

"I'm going to NYC for my birthday and spend it with her"... excuse me while I wretch... BRB.

Hof and I went, a few weeks ago, to the Dania Jai-Alai casino so I could play in a poker tourney. I sat down at the table and saw the most amazing thing... ever. I weep remembering it. It was a once in a lifetime thing. Like seeing midgets in a baby carriage along the median on 7th (thanks, Dan). Let me tell you everything...]

I sit down at my assigned seat and the other seats fill as the start time for the tournament draws near. Two seats to my left is filled by the most amazing specimen God ever crafted.

Imagine the physique of Jackie Gleason stuffed, like a polish sausage, into to the frame of an Ewok. She could not be taller than five feet yet sported at least 200 to 250 pounds of loving. Now, if you are grossly obese what should your plan of action be? Eat human-sized portions? Avoid fried food? Get off your ass and exercise or, at least, go for a walk? No, silly reader, you wear clothes that are two sizes too small (duh).

When I say she was wearing stretch pants, I mean it. They strrrrrrrrrrrettttttttttched. The eight year-old Chinese seamstress that made these pants deserves seven extra grains of rice tonight for her craftsmanship. The seams held like a weld by Paul Jr on American Choppers.

but, wait, it gets better....

After she greased up her legs and slid them into the sausage-skin pants she was forced to make a decision. Should she take the top of the pants and stretch them over the gut that would make a New Jersey union worker proud OR should she roll the top of the pants down so they fit like low-rider hip huggers that would make Paris Hilton blush? Decisions, decisions. She, of course, chose to roll the top of her pants down until they fit snuggly under her gut and glorious love handles. Extra bonus? The seat that struggled to keep her ass from fracturing the floor had an open back. Anyone walking behind her got a lovely half-moon with a side of crack.

but, wait, it gets better....

Her shirt was, you guessed it, a belly shirt. Her resplendent gut rolled out from under the shirt and spread nicely over the top of her pants. BONUS? How about a pierced belly-button with a rhinestone stud in case the gravity of her stomach mass didn't draw your eyes in. She had large C-cup breasts. They were "cheese-steak boobs". If she were thin she would be an A-cup. Her inability to find a plate of pasta she didn't like amplified her breasts to their current size.

but, wait, it gets better....

Her belly-shirt's V-shaped neckline plunged down to inches above the top of her paunch. From one areole edge to the other, all are treated with a flesh and cleavage canvas. I choke up just thinking about it. It was a masterpiece.

Here comes the finale......

Planted firmly between her melons, dead center free of being obscured was.... are you ready for this.... wait for it.... wait.... a wart. Not a small fleshy wart. No..... It was a wart with delusions of grandeur. This baby made hair-sprouting moles jealous. It took root and blossomed straight out and ended with a cracked and crusty cap. If she had a newborn it would be anorexic.

Now if you had a small fungus garden growing between your breasts what would you do? Would you change into a turtleneck? Would you use a gallon of foundation and try and obscure the behemoth? No, silly reader.... you would take stripper glitter and spray it all over your chest so the entire pallette glistened!

Best part?

The bitch took me out of the tournament.

[shit, hofzinser's big SUV just pulled into the drive. I wonder if he is compensating for something... HofSnark OUT!]

there are 10 doodles

At 9:38 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Why is it that men who shouldn't go shirtless always do, and women who shouldn't wear low riders and belly shirts do. This proves my entire thesis (see Andy and my blogs) that either (1) their is no god, or (2) if there is a god, that's one sick puppy. No loving god would make us look at the equivalent of Roseanne Barr or Tom Arnold in a thong, bikini, low rider pants, belly shirt, or topless outfit. It's a violation of all that is true and holy.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

HofSnark - You are SO MUCH funnier than Hof! But don't tell him I said that! ;-)

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Mr. Drinker said...

why are you talking about my family like that? You know, I am a sensitive individual, and just because my mom beat you in cards, doesn't give you the right to bash her here......jerk......

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger a chick said...

wow she sounds like a real catch ... hurl

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

That is the funniest thing I have ever read. I LOVE your blog. :)

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

You kids are crazy. It's hard to believe it is all true.

BTW, lisa, my blog loves you... he told me last night. Of course, he was drunk and was dumped by some self-help website last week. Be gentle with him. He is very vulnerable right now.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

it was her inner child wanting to play "pretend to be skinny".

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

I think I threw up in my mouth a little while reading that.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Maybe she did it on purpose--knowing the expanse of glittered cellulite would engross (heavy on the gross) and distract her opponents?

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Andy said...

You are all so superficial. I'm sure she had a glowing personality.

 

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