*In the off-chance you run into Dad today

*Maybe streamers fell?

*Seeing how your didn't ask...

*Ya made someone's week

*Gotta second?

*She will torture us

*Who was it?

*BUT not private enough

*Effing masterpiece

*(ahem)


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Monday, June 13, 2005

Learn to take your freaking time

Last Thursday I featured a great post by Autumn. With wit, truth and kindness she outlines an expert's guide to giving your man oral pleasure (when you read "oral pleasure" to yourself it sounds cooler if you do it with a Russian accent, try it, "orel pleyzure". see!).

When I first read the post I remember thinking, "Wow, I think I've been polishing my boyfriend's trailer hitch wrong for all these years." This made me feel inadequate as a lover and undesirable as a partner. Of course, the next thing I remembered was that I did not have a boyfriend. That made me feel very sad and lonely. I then remembered I was not gay thus I did not have a boyfriend nor never had one. I still worried I was spit polishing the Nazi helmet all wrong until I realized I'd never polished any man's helmet. This made me feel secure in my own sexuality again, yet, still lonely. Finally I remembered that I met the most amazing woman only a few months ago and was madly and deeply in love with her.

but I digress....

Over the weekend I thought about her post and hoped women everywhere read it. It was a great gift to women and a greater gift to their partners. I also know that many women out there complain of getting bad oral from their partners.

I am a champ at grazing in the lowlands. If there was ever a poll taken of all the women I've ever dated the number one thing they would mention is my homemade French Onion soup in a bread bowl. The second thing they would mention is my skillz at harvesting the big valley.

So....

I now present to you a dude's step-by-step guide to giving a woman oral pleasure (don't forget the accent). From foreplay to searching for the little man in the canoe... after reading this you are sure to make your lady feel so good she will give back things she never stole. My goal is for you, my male reader, to learn to kiss her naughty bits like her bi-curious college roommate use to.

Hofzinser's Guide to Spelunking the Great Unknown

Pre-flight Prep
Be sure you've shaved (your face, dummy) in the last 48 hours. Though our scruff can look very sexy and manly, it will prove irritating for her.
Commit to what you are about to do. Don't give this a token attempt. She will love what you are about to do and may want to to stick around for multiple climaxes. Even if she is too exhausted for sex afterwards (not likely) you are making an investment in your sex life and her libido. You do this right and you will never be lonely again. Trust me.

Take off
If you learn anything, learn to take your freaking time. Start by kissing her (on the lips, dummy). Spend some time with this. Really kiss her. Start slow and really get her motor started.
While you kiss her start letting your hands wander a bit. Start with her arms. Give them light touches and rubs. Move to her body but stay away from the fun places (at first). Rub/touch her side, her stomach, the side of her face and always take the time to play with her hair (on her head, dummy).
Granted, at times women are in WHAM BAM mode but not usually. They like to be eased into everything sexual. They like you showing your restraint and being attentive to the entire body.
side note: no clothes are removed yet. Everything is done with her threads on. If she is already naked when this whole fiasco starts, pretend she is still in her clothes.
Now let your hands wander below her belt. Start on her outer thighs. Again, give them light touches and rubs. The inside of a woman's knee is especially sensitive. Use the tips of your fingers then the palm of your hand then back again. Remember to take your time.
If she is clothed, this is a good time to fix that problem.
Continue to kiss her and get your hand back to her knee. Now start (slowly) working your way down the inside of her thigh. Once you reach the top of her thigh start slowly running your hand over the surface of her Betty. Again, take your time (getting the message?).
Use your fingers and outline the edge of her opening lightly. You can graze her Love Bead here but don't linger on it. Tease her.
Now you can either manually please her for a time or move on to the next phase. I recommend using your hand for a bit but be tender and loving... it is just the appetizer.

Full Flight
As you continue using your hand start to kiss below her head. Stop at the neck and the breasts and then move into the position.
I highly recommend taking a pillow and putting it under her hiney. Elevate the main course. It will give you a better angle. Get on your stomach and start kissing the inside of her thigh.
Lightly kiss and nibble your way down her thigh and remove your hand from her Betty. Put both of your hands on the outside of her hips.
As you approach (but before you reach Her) move your mouth to the other thigh and spend some time there kissing/nibbling. This fake-out really gets her going and wanting more.
You can now move in. Start by kissing (no tongue, you dummy) around the outer edges of her. Spend sometime with this. Your light touches and breath will really get things in order.
Now outline the outside of her with your tongue. Slowly work your way in (towards the center, you dummy). Your tongue will go from circular motions to up and down moves as you move from the edge of her to the center.
If you don't know where her clitoris is, now is the time to find it. Put your tongue between her inner lips about half-way down. Slowly run it up to where her lips meet. If you went though all of the preflight, she should be slightly swollen by now and easy to identify with your tounge.
Lightly flick her button with the tip of you tongue. Don't fixate on it too long. After a few flicks go back to outlining the edge of her opening. A common mistake is going for her button too early and just staying there. You need to be playful. It is a very sensitive area and teasing and playing with it will garnish the best reaction.
Keep playing with her and pay attention. PAY ATTENTION. Her breathing and body movement will let you know when it is time to move to the next phase.

Prepare for Landing
Now you can go in for the kill. The harvest is ripe. Go back to her button and surround it with your lips. Create a seal around it. Suck in lightly (and I do mean LIGHTLY) to bring the little lady out from hiding. Play with her using your tongue. Licks and flicks. Vary your timing and pressure and pay attention. Her breathing and body movement will tell you what she likes.
Periodically lay off the little lady and go back to licking all around. Once you return to her again it will even more intense than when you left. She needs short little breaks in between.
As she begins to really get into it, take your hand and put the palm under your chin. Use your pointer and ring finger to open her up. Insert your middle finger inside of her and curl it up towards you. Rub and put pressure on the roof of the inside of her. Think of trying to touch where your tongue is with your middle finger (which is still inside, you dummy).
When you really sense she is ready to be pushed off the edge... become a tenor. That's right, you hum. Hum really low and create a resonance and vibration so your tongue and lips vibrate. Don't be loud about it and don't worry about keeping a tune.
If you listen, if you are patient, if you are tender you should have no trouble bringing her a big O.

Thank You for Choosing...
Here comes a tricky part. After she climaxes you need to lay off a bit. Less direct contact with her button and more light licking all around. Venture back to the button and see if she wants more. Sometimes she will, other times she will be done (it has become too sensitive).
Some women love intercourse after they finish, others do not. Check your owner's manual.
Be affectionate after she finishes but don't smother her. It is very important that she thinks you enjoyed this too.

fini

Feel free to share this manual with any and all of your men (via a link, I am a traffic whore). If you are a dude, read it again and take notes. Trust me on this....

there are 41 doodles

At 6:43 PM, Blogger A* said...

Um,yeah hi. See why I love him?

MY MAN.

LAY OFF BITCHES!!

I MEAN it. STAY AWAY!

I WILL CUT YOU!

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Hard to take ya seriously with your terribly cute picture in the corner there :-)

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

a* - LOL! it's no wonder you love him. you mark your territory girl!

nice job hof!

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

She may look cute but I've seen the knife!

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Mercy said...

I am going to post this on my fridge for all to see .. oh wait .. no .. I can't do that.. but I'll link it most definitely!

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

TMI, but great post. However, you say "It is very important that she thinks you enjoyed this too." That's what a lot of women worry about (especially if they've had partners who clearly didn't or don't). Do you enjoy it in and of itself, or is this a chore (maybe more or less unpleasant, depending) that pays dividends? While you described the mechanics very nicely, there was very little sense of where you were (mentally and physically) during this entire process. The checklist is a nice guy touch, which will lead many men astray . . . and yes, they will need to check their owner's manual.

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

You are correct. It really comes down to the dude. Personally, I would be suspect of a man who did not do this OR did not enjoy doing it. It tells me one thing about him:

selfish.

(and stupid)

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Whooohoooo woooo wooo wwoooo

*standing and clapping*

Awesome job!! Thank YOU for this gift which women will hopefully receive! :)

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Firefly said...

i sorry .. wow it is hot in here? or is it just me!

A*: you're awesome - you have every right to bare your claw after that one!

hof: damn man! now i gotta change the battery in my clicker!

lol

aloha, ff

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Wow, that was pretty accurate. Lucky the girl who gets you for a lover. That's all I'm sayin'. Don't want to get cut...

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I had to start SKIMMING because it was getting too hot for me. Damn...at this point I'd take hopelessly unskilled and only mildly enthusiastic!!

Hof, if Foilwoman asks you for my email address, it's okay to supply said information to her. I have done a thorough background check and determined her to be the non-dangerous sort. Thanks.

Love you guys. And...as always...am jealous as hell!!

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger allison said...

How can we get this published in the New York Times?

 
At 1:03 AM, Blogger Big Heavy said...

nice work brother.

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger Miss Tasha said...

im going to print that and hand it over to every guy i come in contact with!

phewww, i'm getting a little ants after that read... please excuse me from the table...

 
At 3:07 AM, Blogger Jelly said...

Mmmmmmakes me grumpy. Good work; I just hope it's original.

As DB said, it reminds me an awful lot of something I wrote 5 years ago:

http://mothershipconnection.blogspot.com/2005/04/dear-jelly-v80b.html

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Cherry Moon said...

O.M.Gaahh. Yep.

Let's see, that's *print*, seal in envelope, and write with a black sharpie on the front "HONEY, PLEASE READ..."

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

jelly... I just swung by and read your piece. Great work! I was glad to hear that my technique shared some similarities to one perscribed by an actual woman. Then again, it is women that taught me what I know on the subject!

I can attest that mine is original and fully inspired by the lovely autumn. Never read your blog before but you can expect me to come by again. I liked your writing!

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

..just laughed to myself. Technically, A* is a reference on my previous knowledge of these techniques... I have a witness! LOL (sorry, hon)

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

mercy: Thanks for the link from your blog... yer the bestest

autumn: we are even, your post, that inspired this post, was soooooo good. Let's hope that all the ladies read yours and the dudes read mine! If our work saves one couple's oral practices I think we automatically get a free pass into heaven.

firefly: you know you can buy batteries in bulk, right?

melanie: you are too funny and too kind

dopebugs: Teach a class? too funny. I wonder if the women would front the tuition for their men. I also wonder where I could order the visual aids for the class....

wordwhiz: don't be jealous... find you a fireman and jot down my post on the inside of his eye lids!

allison: New York Times? Not likely. Now if all my readers emailed Cosmo maybe we can get me a monthly column!

big heavy: Thanks, man! Nice to see a lurker emerge and comment!

miss tasha: I have this image of you outside the door of a Walmart handing out reprints of my post like someone running a blood drive... and you are excused from the table, young lady.

cherry moon: LMAO. You can do that or just buy the billboard outside your house for the month....

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Mr. Drinker said...

Stop lying...you found my journal and copied it. I knew being friends with you would come to this...Damn you!#&$^

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger A* said...

Firefly- I may look cute but I am a crazy, knife-wielding ninja. I throw a mean Chinese star too!

Sandra- Girl you know I gotta do what I gotta do!! :)

hof: can't wait to see you honey!

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Islandgirl said...

Holy moly. That needs to be posted in every mens room around the world!

Thankfully, I got a man who gots the skillz. They are very far and few between though, unfortunately, but A* you are a lucky girl....

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger The Cardboard Tube Knight said...

I've been waiting to see this for a long time.

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Kira said...

I have always felt that women who said they didn't like oral sex...didn't like it because the guys who performed it on them didn't know what they were doing. This manual would be a great one for testing the theory! Great job!

 
At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Christina said...

Slightly cruel of you, hof, to dangle this in front of quite frustrated Christina.
I won't hold it against you, though. Just against my boyfriend.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger lauritajuanitasanchez said...

Wow...so much dedicated to foreplay. I'm about to ditch men forever and join the other team. I'm bookmarking this so that in the event that I ever have sex again, I can give him/her a primer first. :)

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger deanne said...

PLEASE send that into Maxim to spread the word!

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

wifeandmom2: no need to switch teams. I am not the only man who cares enough to take the time (and likes it). Go out there and either train your current lickless wonder OR find a new one.

christina: if that shlub is not doing his job let me know. I'll take him out for beers and get his head back on straight. my south florida readers WILL NOT suffer!

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger a chick said...

thank you thank you thank you .... ! i was so overjoyed that you have TWO permanent links on my blog...one for your whole blog and one especially for this post!

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

WOW... thanks! Yer da bestest of bestestedness

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

The link is effing up my template. I have to delete the comments: here is a reprint:

dopeybugs:
Hey...I hate reading this shit. Cuz then I realize I have no one but my jack rabbit (not that I am complaining)-but after reading that, I want a man who knows all that in my bed...NOW. Guys like you need to teach a class.Funny your post and http://mothershipconnection.blogspot.com/2005/
04/dear-jelly-v80b.html
are very similar!
I can't read anymore...
Where is that damn jack rabbit?!?!

Here is

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger W. S. Cross said...

Amazing. Simply amazing. You deserve a medal from NOW.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Librarian Babe said...

I came here via Autumn's blog. Excellent work! One nitpick - you mention the guy using his tounge... I always prefer his tongue. ;-)

I'm gonna post a link because a small spelling mistake can't marr this post!

My boyfriend know this stuff already, but other men could sure use it.

 
At 3:07 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

WS Cross: *bows* Thanks for the kind words. I think the only way NOW will give me a medal is if I ended the piece with: "Now that you've done your work you can resume feeling guilty for any male feelings are traits you have. You are the scum of the earth and your penis is the center of evil. Never use it again.

Nadia: Thanks for coming by. I am shocked you have yet to experience the tounge... it is far more effective than a tongue (ew, he uses his tongue... what a freak!)

I fixed the spelling errors and love your for pointing them out....

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger A* said...

The people at NOW would incur my wrath with that statement. Trust me, your penis is the furthest thing from the center of evil.
;)

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Just saw at tinynibbles.com there is a book all about this... called "The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure (Ultimate Everything!!!)"

find it on amazon

fyi

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Opus said...

Have you read Ian Kerner's 'She Comes First, The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman' your guide reminded me of his book. I keep this book on my bedside table, works wonders.

Found you by way of Deanne.

 
At 2:43 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Never heard or the book, Opus. Is it an entire book on going down? What else does it cover?

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Maverick said...

oral sex for women is not the lead up for men to "get theirs". most women will resent that attitude, even if they did just cum. very important for everyone to remember.

Spitting in a Wishing Well

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

sssssssssssss: I agree. Hopefully men keep this part in mind

"Commit to what you are about to do. Don't give this a token attempt. She will love what you are about to do and may want to to stick around for multiple climaxes. Even if she is too exhausted for sex afterwards (not likely) you are making an investment in your sex life and her libido. You do this right and you will never be lonely again. Trust me."

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Opus said...

Yes, Ian Kerner's book is an entire book dedicated to the art of the oral caress.

And believe me there's a lot to cover. Did you know the clitoris has eighteen parts, all of which play a role in the production of pleasure, or that the clitoral glans (the head) has approximately eight thousand nerve endings, twice as many as the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body.

And I just loved this from the book:

“It’s time to ‘think outside her box’. When it comes to the oral caress, every man should make a mantra of Rhett Butler’s infamous line to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind: ‘You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”

 

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