Last Thursday I featured a great post by Autumn. With wit, truth and kindness she outlines an expert's guide to giving your man oral pleasure (when you read "oral pleasure" to yourself it sounds cooler if you do it with a Russian accent, try it, "orel pleyzure". see!).
When I first read the post I remember thinking, "Wow, I think I've been polishing my boyfriend's trailer hitch wrong for all these years." This made me feel inadequate as a lover and undesirable as a partner. Of course, the next thing I remembered was that I did not have a boyfriend. That made me feel very sad and lonely. I then remembered I was not gay thus I did not have a boyfriend nor never had one. I still worried I was spit polishing the Nazi helmet all wrong until I realized I'd never polished any man's helmet. This made me feel secure in my own sexuality again, yet, still lonely. Finally I remembered that I met the most amazing woman only a few months ago and was madly and deeply in love with her.
but I digress....
Over the weekend I thought about her post and hoped women everywhere read it. It was a great gift to women and a greater gift to their partners. I also know that many women out there complain of getting bad oral from their partners.
I am a champ at grazing in the lowlands. If there was ever a poll taken of all the women I've ever dated the number one thing they would mention is my homemade French Onion soup in a bread bowl. The second thing they would mention is my skillz at harvesting the big valley.
I now present to you a dude's step-by-step guide to giving a woman oral pleasure (don't forget the accent). From foreplay to searching for the little man in the canoe... after reading this you are sure to make your lady feel so good she will give back things she never stole. My goal is for you, my male reader, to learn to kiss her naughty bits like her bi-curious college roommate use to.
Hofzinser's Guide to Spelunking the Great Unknown
Be sure you've shaved (your face, dummy) in the last 48 hours. Though our scruff can look very sexy and manly, it will prove irritating for her.
Commit to what you are about to do. Don't give this a token attempt. She will love what you are about to do and may want to to stick around for multiple climaxes. Even if she is too exhausted for sex afterwards (not likely) you are making an investment in your sex life and her libido. You do this right and you will never be lonely again. Trust me.
If you learn anything, learn to take your freaking time. Start by kissing her (on the lips, dummy). Spend some time with this. Really kiss her. Start slow and really get her motor started.
While you kiss her start letting your hands wander a bit. Start with her arms. Give them light touches and rubs. Move to her body but stay away from the fun places (at first). Rub/touch her side, her stomach, the side of her face and always take the time to play with her hair (on her head, dummy).
Granted, at times women are in WHAM BAM mode but not usually. They like to be eased into everything sexual. They like you showing your restraint and being attentive to the entire body.
side note: no clothes are removed yet. Everything is done with her threads on. If she is already naked when this whole fiasco starts, pretend she is still in her clothes.
Now let your hands wander below her belt. Start on her outer thighs. Again, give them light touches and rubs. The inside of a woman's knee is especially sensitive. Use the tips of your fingers then the palm of your hand then back again. Remember to take your time.
If she is clothed, this is a good time to fix that problem.
Continue to kiss her and get your hand back to her knee. Now start (slowly) working your way down the inside of her thigh. Once you reach the top of her thigh start slowly running your hand over the surface of her Betty. Again, take your time (getting the message?).
Use your fingers and outline the edge of her opening lightly. You can graze her Love Bead here but don't linger on it. Tease her.
Now you can either manually please her for a time or move on to the next phase. I recommend using your hand for a bit but be tender and loving... it is just the appetizer.
As you continue using your hand start to kiss below her head. Stop at the neck and the breasts and then move into the position.
I highly recommend taking a pillow and putting it under her hiney. Elevate the main course. It will give you a better angle. Get on your stomach and start kissing the inside of her thigh.
Lightly kiss and nibble your way down her thigh and remove your hand from her Betty. Put both of your hands on the outside of her hips.
As you approach (but before you reach Her) move your mouth to the other thigh and spend some time there kissing/nibbling. This fake-out really gets her going and wanting more.
You can now move in. Start by kissing (no tongue, you dummy) around the outer edges of her. Spend sometime with this. Your light touches and breath will really get things in order.
Now outline the outside of her with your tongue. Slowly work your way in (towards the center, you dummy). Your tongue will go from circular motions to up and down moves as you move from the edge of her to the center.
If you don't know where her clitoris is, now is the time to find it. Put your tongue between her inner lips about half-way down. Slowly run it up to where her lips meet. If you went though all of the preflight, she should be slightly swollen by now and easy to identify with your tounge.
Lightly flick her button with the tip of you tongue. Don't fixate on it too long. After a few flicks go back to outlining the edge of her opening. A common mistake is going for her button too early and just staying there. You need to be playful. It is a very sensitive area and teasing and playing with it will garnish the best reaction.
Keep playing with her and pay attention. PAY ATTENTION. Her breathing and body movement will let you know when it is time to move to the next phase.
Prepare for Landing
Now you can go in for the kill. The harvest is ripe. Go back to her button and surround it with your lips. Create a seal around it. Suck in lightly (and I do mean LIGHTLY) to bring the little lady out from hiding. Play with her using your tongue. Licks and flicks. Vary your timing and pressure and pay attention. Her breathing and body movement will tell you what she likes.
Periodically lay off the little lady and go back to licking all around. Once you return to her again it will even more intense than when you left. She needs short little breaks in between.
As she begins to really get into it, take your hand and put the palm under your chin. Use your pointer and ring finger to open her up. Insert your middle finger inside of her and curl it up towards you. Rub and put pressure on the roof of the inside of her. Think of trying to touch where your tongue is with your middle finger (which is still inside, you dummy).
When you really sense she is ready to be pushed off the edge... become a tenor. That's right, you hum. Hum really low and create a resonance and vibration so your tongue and lips vibrate. Don't be loud about it and don't worry about keeping a tune.
If you listen, if you are patient, if you are tender you should have no trouble bringing her a big O.
Thank You for Choosing...
Here comes a tricky part. After she climaxes you need to lay off a bit. Less direct contact with her button and more light licking all around. Venture back to the button and see if she wants more. Sometimes she will, other times she will be done (it has become too sensitive).
Some women love intercourse after they finish, others do not. Check your owner's manual.
Be affectionate after she finishes but don't smother her. It is very important that she thinks you enjoyed this too.
Feel free to share this manual with any and all of your men (via a link, I am a traffic whore). If you are a dude, read it again and take notes. Trust me on this....