*SWARM SWARM

*They must have a bug problem

*Firefox friendly (finally)

*Cyberversion of Chlamydia

*What Would Hofzinser Do?

*Our species may, in fact, survive

*I'm out

*Prepare me for her consumption

*Put me in, coach!

*Trained in the gentle art


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Missed therapy sessions

I spent the holiday weekend in Hoboken playing house with my gal.

I really liked the town. Plenty of shops and restaurants, quaint brownstones and lots of trees. The view of the city from the edge of town is fantasmo.

Being a man of routines, I got up early each morning and took my laptop to Starbucks. I bought a large (sorry), "venti" coffee and sat surfing, blogging and working (via stolen bandwidth from someone with an unsecure wireless network somewhere above the coffee shop)

At around 8am each morning the stroller army was released. I've NEVER seen more strollers in a town in my whole life. Are new parents banished from the city to Hoboken or do the newly coupled move to Hoboken and the water nullifies the effectivness of the pill?

I remember the day when a stroller was a few metal tubes with a thin piece of vinyl. Very basic and designed to do one thing; put your kid on wheels. The stroller was blueprinted to fold into a small space and weigh less than a Volvo.

This type of stroller is thin and can easily fit in a door or an elevator. The handles were used to push and steer while easily supporting a hanging baby bag full of talcum and diapers.

The stroller has evolved from this sleek Yugo-ish design (pictured above) into baby-ready H2's (see picture to right). Strollers are now small mobile habitats. Parents take their 13-pound child and put them in 125-pound strollers that announce when you put them in reverse (BEEP BEEP BEEP)....

Watching Hoboken parents navigate these monstrosities through the narrow sidewalks is more exciting than rally racing in Prague. Witnessing the maneuvering through stores like Starbucks is better than Saturday American Gladiators reruns.

If you plan on buying one of these beasts I recomend taking the Bose stereo system option and have a CD loaded and ready to play "Excuse me, pardon me, so sorry" on command.

After the daily parade of child biospheres I commit to never buy a stroller. Some of you parents out there think I am crazy and will change my mind once I start aggressively populating this planet. Once my brood begins its expansion into this dimension I will be the Dad that either (are you ready for this) carries his child in his arms (SHOCKER, SCANDAL) or uses one of those hugger strapped contraptions that holds the child on your chest like a reserve parachute.

Of course, as soon as my child can evolve to the upright position he/she will walk. I know, sounds crazy to actually demand any effort out of a child these days but I am, as they say in my home state of North Carolina, "touched". I cannot believe the ages of some of the children I saw in strollers last weekend. By law, you should lose your stroller privledges as soon as you are old enough to get your learner's permit.

Then I saw the be-all end-all of inanity. I saw a women pushing a cat in a specially designed stroller.

A CAT IN A STROLLER!?!?!?

My mind reeled... I had to stop walking to catch my breath. The cat inside was frozen stiff with each leg locked and extended and every hair standing. The damn cat was scared shitless. I cannot imagine the process of stuffing a cat into one of these things. I hope for her sake the feline was declawed. I'm sorry, I'm looking at the picture again now and cannot help myself...

A CAT IN A STROLLER!?!?!?

I cannot fathom the number of missed therapy sessions that led to this. Can you be this long on cat and short on man? Does she decorate the small condo in the back of the stroller that lets the mouser find piece and privacy during its morning excursions?

A CAT IN A STROLLER!?!?!?

Excuse me as I ram bamboo chopsticks under my toenails to reclaim my sanity. Pain brings focus....

there are 6 doodles

At 9:26 AM, Blogger Kira said...

Cat in a stroller....well, I used to take mine out on a leash like a dog, and he liked it a lot, actually...but...er...a stroller? uhhh...wow.

As a parent of two small children, let me tell you the times when I find a stroller necessary:

1) When they are so big that carrying them around in a papoose is going to break your back, but they can't walk yet. I'm 5'2", and my ex was useless. Trust me. There just wasn't a choice sometimes.

2) When they can walk, but they don't walk fast and you are in a hurry. For instance, and I speak from experience here, when you are trying to switch planes in a large airport. My son Jared has travelled to Canada, England, and France with me when I've gone, and the stroller saved me. I just use the top kind though. The umbrella strollers are light and fold up nicely; other kind of strollers are heavy and break my back to pull out/fold/unfold, and hell, the stroller is supposed to SAVE my back since I'm not using the papoose, so it'd be useless to get the huge deluxe models.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

I grew up in northern Jersey, but Hoboken was always just a stop on the way to New York City by train. I had always envisioned it as very dirty and city-like. (Sorry A*.) Now I'm wishing I'd stopped to check it out!

Cat strollers?? Now there's a new one!

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Andy said...

AHHH HAHAHAHA!!! A CAT IN A STROLLER!!!! How absolutely hilarious!

I am a dog person. My wife and I have 2.

My wife has a cat... I do not. To me, a cat in a stroller would make the captive little bastard an easy target, as I slowly rolled the cart into on-coming traffic. Good-bye litter tray! Good-bye cat hair! Bye Bye Bye...

Pardon my dislike for kitties. I apologize to all those "cat-people" ahead of time.

The other issue... The child stroller. We have a pretty simple one that we use every so often. Although it looks more like the second picture than the first, we only use it when we are on long excursions. Mostly, when we have to pack food and diapers for the day. Even then I find myself carrying him, just because I like carrying him. He's my son and I like to be seen hangingout with the little man I'm so proud of.

And the Snugli works so much better... I back pack my boy all the time!

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger Maria said...

Maybe I should buy one of these for my neighbor's cat. Seems like an easy solution to a vexing problem.

Nice blog, BTW.

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger dash bradley said...

If i tried that on my cat, she would gnaw out my brains in my sleep. And she'd be right to do it.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

kira: You get a free pass because you used "papoose" in a sentance...

wordwhiz: Hoboken has really given itself a face lift and has a folksy downtown area now.

andy: A* and I are still laughing from this line, "My wife has a cat... I do not." Funny shite, bro.

maria: thanks for coming by my humble blogdiddyblogblog.

dash: just blogrolled ya... great blog!

 

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