*Ya made someone's week

*Gotta second?

*She will torture us

*Who was it?

*BUT not private enough

*Effing masterpiece

*(ahem)

*Thanks, A*, for letting me "sketch you up!"

*Taste just as good

*Kick his ass


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Sunday, June 12, 2005

Seeing how your didn't ask...

I masturbate.

There, it's out.

There are times when I treat my body like it's an amusement park (thanks Mrs. Constanza). Granted, masturbating is funny by itself. I could spend this entire post rambling and meandering leaving you with a jumble of meaningless words. You would read the whole post and giggle as long as I used the word "masturbate" in every fifth sentence. What is funny about my masturbating?

I am so damn seductive about it.

Tom Waits talks about it in the monologue before the song "Better off without a wife" on Nighthawks at the Diner (BTW, if you don't have this album go get it NOW)....

"I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! You ask yourself out. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. Well, I ain’t cheap. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe. Then you’ll be... some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house. Oh yeah, you´re smooth with it..., you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive, you know. And then, you slide over real nice, say, ’Oh, I think you have something in your eye’. Eh-heh-heh. Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, I... you know! I take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe... I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. 'Would you like to listen to some of my back records?' I got something here... Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and... there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around... I’ll confess, I’m no different. I’m not weird about it or anything. I don’t tie myself up first, I just... you know. I just kind of... spend a little time with myself."

I may not take things as far as Tom... but I definitely have a masturbatory routine ("mastubatory" - what a tremendous word). The Hofzinser Institute for the Study of Truth recently did a study on the mastubatory (woot) habits of men and found that most men diddle themselves in the shower.

Not moi.

The shower seems too casual and, ironically enough, dirty. Reaching climax in the shower should be relagated to prisons. Nope, I set the mood. Understand that the routine soon to be revealed is not required for me to jiggle the jewelry. I don't need it for a good mastubatory experience... I need it for great mastubatory experience.

I like my house to be empty. Even though I do the "one hand clap" in my room (with the door closed) I still like to have the house empty. It allows me relax without fear of interuption.

I go upstairs to my bedroom. Sometimes I'll put a naughty DVD in, sometimes I won't (I have an extensive mental Rolodex with enough clips to get me from point A to point O). I close and lock the door (remember the house is empty... I live alone... yet I still lock the door. A leftover from years of being the oldest of four and having roommates in college).

I build and design the perfect nest. With the precision of an MIT engineer, I arrange the pillows and sheets so I can sit up, back towards the headboard with only the fitted sheet under me. I go to the bathroom and get just the right number of sheets of toilet paper. I proceed to fold this streamer into the perfect sized pad of Charmin. Heading back to the bed, I nestle myself into the pillow roost and proceed to "rough up the suspect". I do not use any form of lubrication. No lotion or corn syrup. Just me, Mr. Handy and Mr. Winker.

I change my rhythm as I go. It's important to keep things fresh, new and unpredictable. As I approach the crechendo, I snag the Coronet catcher's mitt (that has been elegantly resting on my left thigh). With the timing of a Miles Davis solo, I get the tissue in the correct postion at just the proper time. In the twenty-one years since the first time I "slap boxed the one-eyed champ", I've never missed, never created a mess.

Because the Charmin square is so strategically folded, I can fold it in half again, isolating the "babies that will never be", and proceed to use the unblemished outside to clean up any stray swimmers. So tidy.

Why did I take the time to share with you my little routine? Why did you take the time to read it!?!

ANYWAY...

I offer a challenge to all my fellow bloggers. Take a moment here in the comments or, better yet, on your own blog to share your routine. How do you seduce yourself? How do you set the mood? Let go of any inhibition and start typing - share you blogging bitch!

If you share your madness method on your blog, be sure to comment here so we know to check it out. I know the need to set the mood is not gender specific. I expect this challenge met by both my male and female readers.

Why are you still reading this? I said start TYPING.... *sheesh*

[*update]
Here are some fellow bloggers that stepped up to the challenge... be sure to read 'em!
Sandra's entry
FireFly's entry
Mr. Drinker's entry

there are 28 doodles

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Wow... you know I <3 you Hof, but the mental images conjured here just put me off my brunch. In fact, I think I'm going to go sit in the corner in my room and rock back and forth weeping for a little while, possibly chanting "Skittles Skittles Skittles", waiting for the rainbow of fruit flavors to wash away the bad stuff.
And its MastUrbate, Not MastErbate.

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

*DOH!* I fixed em

As for your mental images... I forget to mention the Dokken-inspired spandex bodysuit I wear for special occasions.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Firefly said...

funny, after 'clicking my mouse' i sat down at the computer and decided to see what adventures others have been on so far today..

i guess i have no choice but to share with the rest of the class - seeing as i was caught in the act!

aloha, ff

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

let us know when the post is up so we can all swing by....

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

while i was vacationing in california i kept giving a certain someone shit about not doing 'it' in the shower. told him to save it up for me. he didn't understand why i would think he would be doing that in the shower. apparently he doesn't do the shower thing either. i thought all guys did it in the shower. less mess. i guess i was wrong.

i will try to come up (ha ha!) with something on my blog.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I thought you might be up to the challenge.... be sure to swing back here and let us know when you give your "tell all"....

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

it's done!

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Firefly said...

alright its up!

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Firefly said...

damn! sandra finished b4 me! hahahah

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

I don't think I will go into as much detail as you, but....
Just to show that I am not a complete prude, I will say this. I do. I do it alone most of the time, but I've done it in front of my wife. I am a movie guy (not porn, too graphic) b-movie Skinamax stuff. 'Nuff said.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Firefly said...

sorry! my link wasnt showing my chatty blog - i fixed it!

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

...read firefly's and sandra's. Um... every guy who reads their posts owes me a dollar. I expect a rush to my PayPal account...

I want one of my lurkers to emerge and suprise us with a post!

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Well, I don't feel comfortable detailing my practices, so I won't. But I did refer to this post for anyone who came to my site today looking for anything to do with sex, since I stuck with depressing stuff (god, meaning of life, nature of evil) that no-one will want to read, and thought they might want a pick me up and this post would do it.

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger Kira said...

I remember reading Philip Roth's Portnoy's Complaint at college, and that book opened my eyes up as a 17 year old (I won't say at WHAT college because, after viewing Hof's profile, I'm certain he would no longer love me...). There was a long part about him masturbating just about everywhere, written in a total comedic vein. Hilarious!

I'm a completely not private person. So, here's my commentary: of course I masturbate, just about every day except two or three days a month. I usually go for it more than once a day, and that means that I don't like routine. The more varied the places or items used or visions or whatever, the more exciting it is. See, I'm a girl *duh*. Bonus is, I don't make a mess. I can just slide my finger under a dress whenever and go for it, and covering up the evidence is rather easy...who the hell needs to lock a door? :) Now, that being said, when Alex is in town I masturbate not at all and instead drain him dry like the sexual vampire o' love (poor baby, so dehydrated...). However, he's frequently not in my city, so if there's not some good ol' fashioned phone sex, there's always whatever toys I have in my nightstand and my imagination!

Ok, is that enough or do you want the kind of detail Sandra and Firefly went into? ;)

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Gotta be honest...you aren't going to see mine because I don't do it. Sorry to disappoint.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Sorry...I'm with foilwoman. I don't...ummm...you-know-what and tell. That's a private matter!!

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger deanne said...

Hof, I feel so much closer to you now! I can just *feel* the love, here in the comments box!

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

foilwoman- Not everyone is up to the challenge.... you would feel better and your readers would love you, though

kira- blog it!

paige- you could blog why you don't!

wordwhiz- *using anchient mind influence trick* blog it blog it blog it

deanne- now i feel dirty

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Paige said...

I could, but it would make for a short blog: "Doesn't nothing for me." Ta-da!

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

No men as brave as Sandra, Kira, and Firefly? This is just turning into a masturbatory aid for the boys, and I don't think you guys need much help. As Kira pointed out, whole novels have been written about the male masturbatory experience. Are all of you intimidated by Philip Roth? Or are Kira, Sandra, Firefly, and Hof (only guy macho enough to post?) the only ones? Guys?

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Christina said...

Simply...enlightening.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Way to TAUNT the crowd, foilwoman...

So what will it be, boys? You gonna let her call you all names?

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger A* said...

Hi! This is my boyfriend. Welcome to the inner workings of his head.

Truth be told, he has been playing with this post for awhile.

Pun TOTALLY intended.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger Mr. Drinker said...

I just had...had to join in on this one...

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

I happily congratulate Mr. Drinker on his bravery. Wordwhiz, it must be generational, because I can write about anything but the actual mechanics of masturbation. Oh, well, back to gloom and doom on my blog. This cheered me up though.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Firefly said...

i believe mr. D is talented. he technic is interesting

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

If by talented you mean, "freakish and bizarre" or "oddly incoporating hair care appliances", I agree

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Mr. Drinker said...

foil: thank you dear...I am on the front lines.

firefly: talented...yes, quite. Inventive would be the other word...

hof: you are just mad 'cuz my technique is superior. it's ok. *hands over a tissue* LOL.

 

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