There, it's out.
There are times when I treat my body like it's an amusement park (thanks Mrs. Constanza). Granted, masturbating is funny by itself. I could spend this entire post rambling and meandering leaving you with a jumble of meaningless words. You would read the whole post and giggle as long as I used the word "masturbate" in every fifth sentence. What is funny about my masturbating?
I am so damn seductive about it.
Tom Waits talks about it in the monologue before the song "Better off without a wife" on Nighthawks at the Diner (BTW, if you don't have this album go get it NOW)....
"I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! You ask yourself out. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. Well, I ain’t cheap. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe. Then you’ll be... some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house. Oh yeah, you´re smooth with it..., you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive, you know. And then, you slide over real nice, say, ’Oh, I think you have something in your eye’. Eh-heh-heh. Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, I... you know! I take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe... I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. 'Would you like to listen to some of my back records?' I got something here... Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and... there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around... I’ll confess, I’m no different. I’m not weird about it or anything. I don’t tie myself up first, I just... you know. I just kind of... spend a little time with myself."
I may not take things as far as Tom... but I definitely have a masturbatory routine ("mastubatory" - what a tremendous word). The Hofzinser Institute for the Study of Truth recently did a study on the mastubatory (woot) habits of men and found that most men diddle themselves in the shower.
The shower seems too casual and, ironically enough, dirty. Reaching climax in the shower should be relagated to prisons. Nope, I set the mood. Understand that the routine soon to be revealed is not required for me to jiggle the jewelry. I don't need it for a good mastubatory experience... I need it for great mastubatory experience.
I like my house to be empty. Even though I do the "one hand clap" in my room (with the door closed) I still like to have the house empty. It allows me relax without fear of interuption.
I go upstairs to my bedroom. Sometimes I'll put a naughty DVD in, sometimes I won't (I have an extensive mental Rolodex with enough clips to get me from point A to point O). I close and lock the door (remember the house is empty... I live alone... yet I still lock the door. A leftover from years of being the oldest of four and having roommates in college).
I build and design the perfect nest. With the precision of an MIT engineer, I arrange the pillows and sheets so I can sit up, back towards the headboard with only the fitted sheet under me. I go to the bathroom and get just the right number of sheets of toilet paper. I proceed to fold this streamer into the perfect sized pad of Charmin. Heading back to the bed, I nestle myself into the pillow roost and proceed to "rough up the suspect". I do not use any form of lubrication. No lotion or corn syrup. Just me, Mr. Handy and Mr. Winker.
I change my rhythm as I go. It's important to keep things fresh, new and unpredictable. As I approach the crechendo, I snag the Coronet catcher's mitt (that has been elegantly resting on my left thigh). With the timing of a Miles Davis solo, I get the tissue in the correct postion at just the proper time. In the twenty-one years since the first time I "slap boxed the one-eyed champ", I've never missed, never created a mess.
Because the Charmin square is so strategically folded, I can fold it in half again, isolating the "babies that will never be", and proceed to use the unblemished outside to clean up any stray swimmers. So tidy.
Why did I take the time to share with you my little routine? Why did you take the time to read it!?!
I offer a challenge to all my fellow bloggers. Take a moment here in the comments or, better yet, on your own blog to share your routine. How do you seduce yourself? How do you set the mood? Let go of any inhibition and start typing - share you blogging bitch!
If you share your madness method on your blog, be sure to comment here so we know to check it out. I know the need to set the mood is not gender specific. I expect this challenge met by both my male and female readers.
Why are you still reading this? I said start TYPING.... *sheesh*
Here are some fellow bloggers that stepped up to the challenge... be sure to read 'em!
Mr. Drinker's entry