*They must have a bug problem

*Firefox friendly (finally)

*Cyberversion of Chlamydia

*What Would Hofzinser Do?

*Our species may, in fact, survive

*I'm out

*Prepare me for her consumption

*Put me in, coach!

*Trained in the gentle art

*I would be lying


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Wednesday, June 01, 2005

SWARM SWARM

He has his morning paper, she is sipping her tea and flipping through an old issue of Vanity Fair. They both love a lazy Sunday morning with nothing to do but read, drink caffeine and listen to "This American Life" on NPR.

She breaks the silence.... "What are you thinking, hon?"
The sweat beads on his forehead as his eyes expand to the size of the saucer under her teacup. He instantly becomes a contestant, she becomes Regis... and he's used up all of his lifelines.

This is the ninth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

WordWhiz asked: Why do men always say what they think they should or think you want to hear, and not what they really think/feel?

As I explained in this earlier installment of the "Why do Men...?" series, we men are not adept at the art of communicating our feelings. At best, our Sappynese is limited to parroting phrases we hear in John Hughes movies.

Without realizing it, women will often corner us into these conversations. I understand that the dialogue has been running in your head for hours before you blurt out the "what'cha thinking". For us it is an ambush. We are walking down the path in the middle of the park and your question is the swat team appearing out of nowhere dropping from copters on tethers yelling "SWARM SWARM" at 1,400 decibels. Under the heat of the lights we panic.

In this
fit of terror we will do one of two things:

1) Blurt out anything we think may call off the dogs. Understand that we feel surrounded. We can feel the heat of the laser beads from your gun sights burning a hole in our foreheads. Our only priority is escaping without being shot. It is the final question, it is Final Jeopardy and the category is "Things Not to Answer Wrong". In the
confusion we don't realize you want the truth. We feel you already have the right answer in your head and we suppose to guess it. For us men, there is a right or wrong answer to your question. We are supposed to give the right answer and there is a better than even chance we didn't even understand the friggin question.

2) Blurt out a blank. It is important to understand what the phrase "Nothing" can mean. When you serve us a "What are you thinking?" or volley a "What's wrong?" we often toss back a "nothing." What does this "nothing" mean?
a) Sometimes "nothing" means, well, nothing. Men can sit comfortably for extended periods of time and think about nothing. Mind is blank. We are spacing. We are on Mars.
b) "Nothing" can also mean "not ready to talk about it yet". Discussing our feelings verbally is something that does not come naturally. We have to prepare ourselves for the State of the Emotion address to your congress. When we are sorting through our feelings and organizing them for your consumption the WORST thing you can do is push us into premature dissertation. If you
bulldoze us to talk before we've outlined our speech you risk us scrapping the entire thing. We will tear up our rough draft and decide to forgo the entire discussion.

SOLUTION: Be mindful of when you spring these types of questions on us. Ease into them and try and foreshadow their appearance (and be obvious, we can be a little slow on the take). Be sure to create a non-threatening environment and NEVER give the impression you are Alex Trebeck. Our hand triggers have a short in them and we never buzz in on time with the real answer.

If you want to understand what we think or feel you have to look at what we do. We show our emotions in lieu of talking about them. If we seem distant try some unthreatening affectionate attention. If we don't respond, give us space. We will either come back with our emotional PowerPoint presentation OR we will not come back (which means its over).

Bottom line... we are handicapped when it comes to talking about our feelings. There is nothing you can do about it but accept it. I know it's not fair. I know it sucks. With your patience and care we will learn to verbalize better and more often. With your pressure and demanding nature we will run. You pick the reaction you want.

If you would like your "Why do Men...?" question answered in a future post be sure to leave your question as a comment HERE.

there are 7 doodles

At 8:58 AM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Hmmm...so tell me, Hof: What are you REALLY thinking???

DISCO RULES!!!

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

PS: How goes the anti-smoking campaign?

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

we speak not of the ASC

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger A* said...

I take the 5th.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Guys, guys...I'm so diappointed in you. Just for that, I'm sending you EACH a copy of "Measure of a Man". You'll LOVE it!! :-)

Sometimes my immense level of generousity amazes even myself!

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

Seeing you already own eight copies, its really not THAT generous...

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Valerie - Riding Solo said...

I got lucky, mate and I have a great relationship. When I ask, "What are you thinking?" that's just what I mean. If he is thinking about getting some, I comply willingly, if he is fantasizing about Tina Turner's butt, I smack him with his hat. Same if he's watching a cute behind wiggling down the street, only I just smack him, I don't have to ask first. :)

I ask, he just tells me what he's thinking. If he says nothing, I belive him!

Why is that so hard? What WERE you thinking?

 

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