*Ask not, "Why" but "Why not?"

*The first time we forget

*My "Why do men"

*Caveman porn

*I will cut off that toothprick of yours

*Like we are SOOOOO important

*From the archives

*A tool not an overlord

*And I am glad

*None of us had perfect parents


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Friday, June 24, 2005

A white dude in a top hat with a black manslave

For the record...

Ten Things Hofzinser Misses:

1) Donkey Kong Cereal. It tasted like Capn' Crunch without causing cabin boy fantasies and was, to put it bluntly, crunchy barrels of fun.

2) Summer vacation. I deserve, as an adult, ninety days (with no work) to spend playing doctor with the neighborhood girls in the woods behind my house.

3) Building with Lego. I know what you're thinking, "Um, hofzinser, you can still buy Lego". You are correct, I can still buy Lego. You don't build with them anymore, though. Have you looked at the Lego they sell now? Everything is already one big Lego; one formed piece. There is nothing to put together. The bastards dumbed-down Lego. You are also thinking, "You should proof your posts before publishing, you incredibly handsome blogger. The plural of Lego is Legos." You are half right. I am incredibly handsome but, and I looked this up, the plural of Lego is.... Lego. Me:1 You:0

4) My Sister. She lived here for a year and moved back to North Carolina last week. She made this house feel like a home and always answered the phone at 3am if I was drunk off my ass and needed a ride home.

5) Roller Rinks. There was one in the Fingerlakes Mall in Auburn, NY. When i was a kid my mom would drop me and my brother off there. The rink ran a circle around the food court on the second floor. They played hair band song after hair band song. I could go backwards, on one skate and do a fast spinny thingy without throwing up the pizza. Of course, when they played REO Speedwagon, nobody would hold my hand and make the laps with me. I still think they were intimidated by my looks. People think it's easy being this good looking... sometimes it's just lonely.

6) My Mom. This September will be nine years since she died of breast cancer (at the ripe old age of 45). She would have loved A*. I can imagine them meeting and Mom giving her the "what the hell took you so long" hug. Since the day I left for college she called every Sunday morning. She never stopped until she was too weak to pick up the phone. I forgot her birthday two years in a row because I suck.

7) Defenders of the Earth. Screw Super Friends, this cartoon brought together all the heroes nobody ever heard of or gave a shit about... Flash Gordon, The Phantom, Mandrake the Magician, and Lothar! Flash Gordon was a guy that was not that strong, really not that fast and had a laser gun (eat ass, Superman!). Mandrake was a cut-rate Copperfield. The Phantom wore a purple suit and could punch things. Lothar was one of the first black superheroes on TV. He had no powers and usually stood as the standard plot device by getting kidnapped or brainwashed. Best part? He was Madrake's manslave. Try and get a cartoon on TV now showing a white dude in a top hat with a black manslave. In 1985 nobody was making Saturday Morning cartoons politically correct. Ming the Merciless and his diabolical plans never stood a chance against this powerhouse team.

8), 9), 10) Right now, more than anything, I miss A*. Fuck this long-distance crap, fuck not rushing into things, fuck being practical, fuck, fuck, phuck, double-fuck.

there are 21 doodles

At 12:27 PM, Blogger A* said...

I miss you too honey. More now that I read this post. I will see you Thursday to do the whole cuddle/kiss/sex thing and I CAN'T WAIT.

*sigh*

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

Oh this is the coolest post I've read in awhile. That whole "skating rink" one brought back many memories. I love REO Speedwagon:)

And the one about your mom. How sweet. It's been six years since my mom died of bone cancer. I know....it sucks!! She was 52.

And you and A*. You guys are so cute together. I hope you get to see each other soon. I can't decide which one of you I like the best. I think you're both very cool. Rock on...

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Maria said...

It's been almost a year since my mom died of breast cancer. I still think that she'll be coming home (she got sick on vacation).

I also miss "He-Man" and "She-Ra" cartoons. I always thought they should have hooked up.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I still think it might be her when the phone rings on a Sunday morning. Even after 9 years that feeling you have does not fade.

I use to think it meant I was not dealing with her death... now I realize it means she is still here, somewhere, with me.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger Mr. Drinker said...

mom's never leave you after they die...they sit on your shoulder and wait..becoming your first borns guardian angel.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Kira said...

I used to do the rollerskate thing all the time too...that and Showbiz pizza and play video games all day. And then get with my geeky friends and play d&d.

Aw crap. I still do all that, except Showbiz is now Chuck E Cheese's and I go there for the kids. I'm Queen Geek. Never mind...

(yes, there's actually a roller rink a couple of miles from my place, and the kids love to skate!)

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

okay now everyone is making me cry. that is really sweet/sad about your mother.

i've been on a long summer vacation - since last august. ha!

and this long distance crap does suck!

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Dude, do you remember the Super Mario/Zelda cereal? It was 2 different cereals in ONE box! We got it one time and it tasted like crap.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Hof, that totally settles it. Activity #1 when we all get to Vegas: Roller Skating.

And Maria...He-Man and She-Ra were brother and sister! Hooking up was NOT an option. Didn't you see the christmas special?

 
At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HOF, i miss you too! more than you know. i have no one to make lunch for, and *sniff* no one to go to barnes and noble with! and how much do you hate having to go and get the mail yourself, huh?

i love you SO much! so get your butt outta FL and to NC quick! we ALL need you here! :-)

~sis

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Fuck! Why do people have to die so young!!! :(

My mom escaped Colon cancer, it's been five years since she's been diagnosed and she's still cancer free. So I sort of know how you guys feel. *hugs*

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger courtney elizabeth said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

Last year my mom fought and won her battle with breast cancer, so I am thankful for everyday. I call her every weekend and just tell her I love her. She is doing okay now, so here's hoping she always does. Sorry to hear about your mother, man. I know how hard it must be.

I am all about me some "Kaboom" cereal but I cannot find it anymore. Anyone know if it is still around?

Saturday morning cartoons were the best. I was all about He-Man, G.I. Joe, and Transformers.

Skating rinks....ah the memories and the bruises....ahh..

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger ERL said...

i love love love this post because it's a beautiful combination of touching and sweet and funny.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Hof: This was beautiful...you big ol' Sap!! :-)

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

So sorry about your Mom. My Mom is alive more than five years after diagnosis, and apparently doing well, but we all suspect that she and my stepfather aren't 100% open about health issues, so we worry. My Dad lost his second wife to cancer (and she was in her early forties then). Her boys are now in their 20s and early 30s. That's a tough break.

But, non-religious, totally pragmatic and unromantic advice (but in favor of sex, so you won't mind): Since you know your Mom would have liked A, and intellectually, A reads like a pretty good Darwinian choice, get out there and do some survival of the fittest for Mom. She'd want grandbabies, y'know? A, you may say you're too young, but take it from me, it's harder in the 30s and 40s. Just my plug for improving the species. None of my business. Nope. I'm sure you have plenty of middle aged women in your families saying exactly the same thing to you. Just call me Tia Foilwoman.

 
At 12:20 AM, Blogger mcgibfried said...

dude..
i love the lego.
immensely.
in a 12 step kind of way.
it's sad.
and now i just sit and bide my time for my son to be old enough to enjoy them without choking on one.

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger Mercy said...

You and A* are too cute together!!! It just makes me cry (in a happy way) ... and long distance shit does suck !!!

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

melanie: Thanks! What's crazy is my youngest brother (who is 23) is a huge REO and Styx fan.

Mr. Drinker: You are as wise as you are talented in the kitchen. Thanks for dinner last night.

Kira: revel in your geek greatness. I do and feel better as a result!

Sandratorium: You big sap! It hurts your EVIL image....

coworker: You win... I do remember that cereal! It has two half-bags inside of a graphically split box. I also recall it tasting like dry dog food.

paige: A* and I are there with legwarmers on! And, you win the geek contest with your obscure He-Man knowledge.

Sis: I love you and love that you read this silly blog. I would have made you pancakes this morning...

Autumn: Tell your mom that there is someone in South Florida praying for her continued health...

vegasG: it was breast cancer that took my mom. Hug yours for me. Kaboom... damn we are pulling out some great lost cereals!

I do miss me some GI Joe... 'cause knowing is half the battle. I still use that line!

erl (aka Lizard): You are too kind. I am honored by your readership.

wordwhiz: Nice one, your SAP comment brought out HofSnark today (Sunday). Your fault!

foilwoman: A* and I laughed our asses off on the phone reading your comment. You rock!

McG: I missed Lego so much I bought a bunch of the Star Wars lego a few years ago. The damn things are pre-built now (practically). Do you remember the kick-ass yellow castle with the working draw bridge?

mercy: it does have much suck. Don't cry for me argentina!

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

I will hug her for you. I use that damn line too. In fact, I used it last night and my wife called me a dork. I said, "Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment...since you know it too that makes you one as well."

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Hof: It's good advice. You never know what will happen in the future. Carpe diem, and all that.

 

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