*Dan, thanks for letting me "Sketch You Up!"

*The cave I rented


*All the problems

*Without wasting any of the creamy goodness


*And a back rub

*She brings

*Do share!

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Wednesday, July 27, 2005

No biggie

It is well documented that I love all of you. Though I have nothing to prove on this front, I will still offer yet another gift to my readership.

Last month I offered a Step-by-Step for Dudes on how to make sure your gal brags about you at every girlie pajama tickle fight pillow party she goes to. Today I will help all of you homophobic dudes out there free yourselves from your self-imposed prisons.

Are you a man who feels uncomfortable watching Bravo? Do you giggle and point if you see two men holding hands? If you harbor hate in your heart for hombres that love hombres then this Step-by-Step is for you.

Hofzinser's Step-by-Step for Dudes
How to become Un-Homophobic in 6 Easy Steps
  1. Get yourself a six-pack of beer and sit down in your kitchen and drink it all - alone. Once you have a good buzz running, ask yourself this question, "Do I like cock?" Nobody's there so be honest with yourself. Are you turned on by men? If "yes" then you have a lot to think about so I will leave you alone with that (put down the beer and find some vodka, cranberry juice and a splash of Cointreau and mix it up in a martini glass). If "no" then you can move on to the next step.
  2. Take a deep breath, you are well on your way once you establish your own sexuality. You like women and want to do very naughty things with them (and only them). Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your bedroom with the hottest chick you can think of. Now take yourself step-by-step what you would do to her if she was (and she's not, but work with me here) unbelievably attracted to you. Really think about it. Go into detail and run through the scenario from start to finish (I'll wait here until you finish). Back? Ok, does what you just thought about define who you are? Does it determine what type of worker, parent, friend or citizen you are? Unless the scenario you thought of involved violence or a really young girl, the answer should be "no".
  3. Think about your best buddies. If what you like to do with another consenting adult only defines you behind the closed door of your bedroom should it not be that way for everyone? Does what your best beer drinking buddy or poker pal do with his wife or gal decide whether you will be their friend? Is it none of your business? Of course it is none of your bee's wax. What two adults do freely in the bedroom is their deal and only affects and defines them... in the bedroom. Are you starting to get the point?
  4. Think about what kind of girls you are attracted to. What is your type? What is your preference? You may prefer blondes, other men prefer women with junk in the trunk, other men prefer women with big knockers and other men prefer, well, men. The term "sexual preference" means just that. All men have sexual preferences.
  5. Stay focused on what annoys you. Do you find Carson Kressley fucking annoying? You are not alone. Do you find flamboyant drama queers caustic and fake. You are not alone here, either. Your first instinct may be to chalk it up as "I hate fags" but maybe you are smarter than that. Is Carson Kressley annoying because he likes to touch another man's tools OR is Carson Kressley annoying because HE IS A TOOL? Do queens piss you off because they fall asleep at night with another man OR because anyone who is over-the-top, obvious and obnoxious will piss any reasonable person off. Gay or straight has nothing to do with this. Put your disdain in the right place. Annoying people suck because they are annoying; not because of whom they might suck.
  6. Review what you just covered.

You decided you like women so no matter how charming another man may be you are not going to find yourself in the back stall of the men's room playing "now you see it, now you don't". Established: gay men are not a threat to your sexuality.

You realized you don't want other people to judge you based on the craziness you like to engage in behind closed doors. Established: people's fucking is nobody's business outside the people fucking.

You realize you like certain types of gals. Established: we all have sexual preferences. You dig big Mommas that look like Star Jones and some dudes like their partners to look like Brad Pitt.

You realize that they some gay men annoy you. Established: who annoys you has everything to do with a person's personality, intelligence, tact and charm and nothing to do with where they park their pole.

If you went through each of these steps (and thought about them) yet still find yourself hating gay men you need to jump back to step #1. This time don't lie to yourself when you answer it. What we hate the most in others what we really hate the most about ourselves. You don't believe me? No biggie, you are just wrong so keep on lying to yourself about why you hate other people.

there are 12 doodles

At 11:05 AM, Blogger allison said...

Thanks for this. Now, if we can only get every straight man in America to somehow read this...

And I have a confession...some gay men annoy me - the ones that are prettier than me.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I agree with Allison. Every straight guy in America needs to read this. Seriously. What's the big damn deal?

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Grend31 said...

I'd certainly agree that there are those out there with issues of sexual identity or insecurity. But I think most are people with issues akin to sadism. They take pleasure out of demonizing and victimizing and controlling others.

Welcome to the United Sociopaths of America.

At 3:44 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

*stands up and applauds*
*coaxes everyone else to stand up and applaud*
*everyone else stands up and applauds*
*tear lingers in eye*

That was awesome Hof!!

Oh A* you are so fucking LUCKY!! :)

(and yeah, I know I'm a dork)

At 9:09 PM, Blogger ERL said...

that was great. very very great.

At 10:41 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Is it really just all girls posting about how great this is??? If so...that's extremly telling.

At 10:43 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Carson Kressley is annoying because he is a tool.

Of course the quiz wasn't for moi--I just felt the need to express that sentiment.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger bornfool said...

As usual Hof, nicely done.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Joe said...

Outstanding, as usual Hof.

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Thérèse said...

Hof, I really like what you wrote here.

The only point you may have missed is how people will include religion in their excuses for being homophobic.

Course, that's just what that is, an excuse. It's all crap, really. And, of course, there are women who are just as homophobic as men.

That aside, like I said... I very much like what you wrote here.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Cyrus said...

Is the "Step by Step" logo some sort of Gay Agenda reference to New Kids on the Block? Well, is it?!?

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Kira said...

The only problem is that the men reading this from top to bottom will not be the homophobes! Otherwise, an excellent way to define the issues at hand and tell a man how to get over it.


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