All of my male readers are to raise their right hand and repeat after me:
(um, you... yea, you with the penis, I am not kidding; raise your damn hand)
I (say your name), swear to never be THAT guy.Ok, now for my women readers. Raise your hand and repeat after me:
I swear to never wear glasses inside or at night unless they correct my vision. This includes sunglasses or any tinted lenses.
I swear to never wear jeans and a linen sports jacket to a formal indoor wedding.
I swear to never start the best man's toast by grabbing the DJ's microphone and throwing out a "Check one-two, yo, yo, yo... y'all listen up. I gotsta sompfin to say." This is especially true if I am not black or if I am over 40 years old.
I swear to never use the phrase "Yer my DOG, B." when referring to the groom during the toast.
I swear to never invite any friends to my wedding that will show up in shorts and T-Shirts (especially if I consider them 'in my posse').
I swear to never grow hair so I can style Farrah Fawcett wings even if I wear a tangly earing that I found in Tommy Lee's donation box on the way to the salvation army.
I swear if I do go for the "lost lead singer of Winger" look (see above), I won't give my hair blond highlights in case you don't notice my style.
I (say your name), swear to never be the subject of a sentance like "You will not believe her at the wedding yesterday."Yep, A* and I went to a wedding yesterday. She thought she invited Hofzinser yet apparently took HofSnark instead. I will say that the bride was breathtaking and wearing an magnificently simple and elegant dress. The groom wore a smart, sharp and classic suit instead of a rented monkey uniform. I am a Big Fan of a nice suit and tie vs. a rented monstrocity. They looked stunning.
I swear to never wear a blouse that exposes my belly button to a formal wedding (especially if it also shows the top of my tatoo that runs from my belly button down to my naughty bits.)
I swear to never bring a date with gold plated teeth even if he has caterpillars for eyebrows and looks like he got to take the costume home after being Tubs' stand-in for the new Miami Vice movie.
I swear never to get a "look at my nose job" nose job that makes pinocchio's nose look dull and stunted.
I swear to never have a priest with "pass the bong" eyes that does schtick do the ceremony.
I swear if I look like I lost my earing at the bottom of the bottomless cheesecake pit and found it without wasting any of the creamy goodness, I will not come to wedding dressed like Stevie Nicks.
(yes, the above paragraph officially means I am a butt pirate who watches reruns of Sex in the City - especially the ones that make me cry. SHUT IT... I have to be nice after basting their damn wedding.)