*And a back rub

*She brings

*Do share!


*I bet

*I ate alone

*Challenge set, Drinker

*WAY out of my league

*You're underpaid

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Sunday, July 24, 2005

Without wasting any of the creamy goodness

All of my male readers are to raise their right hand and repeat after me:

(um, you... yea, you with the penis, I am not kidding; raise your damn hand)
I (say your name), swear to never be THAT guy.

I swear to never wear glasses inside or at night unless they correct my vision. This includes sunglasses or any tinted lenses.

I swear to never wear jeans and a linen sports jacket to a formal indoor wedding.

I swear to never start the best man's toast by grabbing the DJ's microphone and throwing out a "Check one-two, yo, yo, yo... y'all listen up. I gotsta sompfin to say." This is especially true if I am not black or if I am over 40 years old.

I swear to never use the phrase "Yer my DOG, B." when referring to the groom during the toast.

I swear to never invite any friends to my wedding that will show up in shorts and T-Shirts (especially if I consider them 'in my posse').

I swear to never grow hair so I can style Farrah Fawcett wings even if I wear a tangly earing that I found in Tommy Lee's donation box on the way to the salvation army.

I swear if I do go for the "lost lead singer of Winger" look (see above), I won't give my hair blond highlights in case you don't notice my style.
Ok, now for my women readers. Raise your hand and repeat after me:
I (say your name), swear to never be the subject of a sentance like "You will not believe her at the wedding yesterday."

I swear to never wear a blouse that exposes my belly button to a formal wedding (especially if it also shows the top of my tatoo that runs from my belly button down to my naughty bits.)

I swear to never bring a date with gold plated teeth even if he has caterpillars for eyebrows and looks like he got to take the costume home after being Tubs' stand-in for the new Miami Vice movie.

I swear never to get a "look at my nose job" nose job that makes pinocchio's nose look dull and stunted.

I swear to never have a priest with "pass the bong" eyes that does schtick do the ceremony.

I swear if I look like I lost my earing at the bottom of the bottomless cheesecake pit and found it without wasting any of the creamy goodness, I will not come to wedding dressed like Stevie Nicks.
Yep, A* and I went to a wedding yesterday. She thought she invited Hofzinser yet apparently took HofSnark instead. I will say that the bride was breathtaking and wearing an magnificently simple and elegant dress. The groom wore a smart, sharp and classic suit instead of a rented monkey uniform. I am a Big Fan of a nice suit and tie vs. a rented monstrocity. They looked stunning.

(yes, the above paragraph officially means I am a butt pirate who watches reruns of Sex in the City - especially the ones that make me cry. SHUT IT... I have to be nice after basting their damn wedding.)

there are 8 doodles

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I officially take offense to the term 'butt pirate'.
We prefer 'Ass Bandit'.
Thank You.
- Dan, Official Representative of Butt Pirating Sex and The City DVD Owners Everywhere

At 8:34 AM, Blogger hofzinser said...

If the world was just a little different, I would be your ass bandit and you my butt pirate. But, alas poor dan, it is not.

[heart ya]

At 9:09 AM, Blogger Cyrus said...

What ever happened to good ole' "rump ranger?" You kids today.

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Melanie said...

I like butt pirate...

At 1:42 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I also take offense to the term "butt-pirate" as pirates were so much cooler than two people just having anal sex. See Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean for proof.

At 4:10 PM, Blogger allison said...

*raising right hand* I swear to never be that girl that gets so wasted she pukes on the table after only the bread basket has made its circuit.


At 8:40 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Butt-pirate is fine by me, in fact any generic term will do.

I have a note from my mum about my glasses.

At 12:04 AM, Blogger floatingwild said...

i don't know.. stevie nicks is pretty cool.


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