*Tumbling Dice

*A bitch to paint

*Banned from Halo

*We shall see

*As geeky as it gets

*I'm not sure.... I just do

*Answer a question nobody asked

*Before my head cleared

*I will sleep

*She invited you back to her place for coffee


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Monday, August 22, 2005

A Beaner Dishwashing Fairy

Your beloved HofSnark here.

Thanks to the crap Hofzinser has been posting about, you should have a better idea why I can't stand him.

He's finally revealed that he is a card-carrying, pocket-protecting, taped-glasses, comic-reading, doll-painting dork. Whenever he lets "...and not to pull your halo down" turn into your typical self-absorbed drivel (much like the crap you post on your blog) I always swing in from the rafters to give you a post that is actually worth reading. This will be a nice break from the crap he's been posting as of late. "I'm not a geek, I just play one on TV"... die, Hof, die.

By the way, he mentioned that he has geeky hobbies but stated that his ability to get laid in school exempts him from actually being a dork. What he failed to mention was the quality of tail he got in school. Good lord. I know. I was there. Trust me, it only proves that you don't have to be that high to ride his ride. When he was doing very bad things to those nasties I WAS HIGH just to survive the experience.

To quote my fellow snarker, Dan... "I was in the corner, holding myself, rocking back and forth saying 'skittles, skittles, skittles'."

How he managed to land a hot piece of Latin ass like A*, is beyond me. One of these days he will leave me alone with her and I will show her what a Man can do. I will punish her for things she didn't do. I'll have her giving back things she never stole. She will be speaking in languages that have been dead for centuries.

Speaking of A*, not too long ago I snuck in Hof's bag on a trip to NYC to visit her. I did the usual stuff like hide in the bathroom so I can watch her shower, go through her underwear, etc. I also got to meet her lovely current roommate again. All I can say is....

The bitch is going to wrinkle-up like a prune and die lonely.

When she does, I will come visit her in the old-folks home and put cayenne pepper in her Preparation H.

You cannot believe this wank. Which brings me to this:

Top 5 Reasons A*'s Roommate will die lonley (and deserves it)

5. She refuses to acknowledge that she shares the space we call earth with other people. When Hof, I or A* walked into (or through) the apartment she acted as if we were that brat kid in Sixth Sense. I felt like Patrick Swayze in "Ghost". You could get right in her face and wave your hand in front of her eyes. She would walk right through your ethereal body without, in any way, making it appear she saw you. Listen, cunt, I am here and you will RECOGNIZE!

4. She cooks in a cast iron skillet. She does not clean said skillet. She then cooks in it again, uncleaned, several days later. Ole Darwin is going to catch up to her on this one. Not so smart. Cooking your food in a nice puree of old moldy leftovers from four days ago... not so much. Maybe she will get a tapeworm so instead of eating fat-free pork rinds, she will lose weight by parasite.

3. She uses tupperware like there is a contest. She puts everything in tupperware. She puts her tupperware.... in tupperware. She has meals prepped in tupperware. She dumps the tasteless food on a plate and drops the soiled tupperware in the sink. Like the skillet... it is not rinsed or cleaned. The tupperware, with its bits of foodyness, is left in the sink as a kind of seventh-grade science project. Currently she has patented three new strains of penicillin. It is not clear if she ever intends on cleaning the plastic dishes of moldy delight as she lets it stack until...

2. Both A* and Hof washed their dishes on a daily basis. In an attempt to appear gallant and try to get an extra romp in the sack with A*, Hof also proceeded to wash the roommates leaning tower of Gladware. Did the forever-single Jersey slunt ever thank Hof? No. Did she ever acknowledge that the dishes were washed by someone other than a Beaner Dishwashing Fairy? No. When A* takes out the garbage or cleans the kitchen in a small attempt at preventing county workers from showing up in HazMat suits, does Princess JerseyJunkAss thank A*? No.

1. She's fat

Hofsnark OUT!

there are 9 doodles

At 11:25 AM, Blogger A* said...

YOU BEAT ME TO MY POST!!!

But LOL!!!

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

I love the "She puts her tupperware.... in tupperware. She has meals prepped in tupperware."!!
hehehe too funny.

But as a fat person, I have to say, that not all fat people are lazy. In fact, I know LOTS of lazy skinny people. :)

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger Paige said...

Hey HofSnark? I'm not up on the lingo, what's a slunt? Is it something they only have in Jersey?

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

I went down the basement and turned off the gang-bang porn he was watching and asked him.

All he said was:

Slut + Cunt = Slunt

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Kira said...

See, that's why I have this firm rule: if I didn't give birth to it, nor am I fucking it, it does not live with me.

Roommates suck.

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger allison said...

The roomate? No. Thank you, Kira for my new favorite motto ever.

HofSnark is kinda' fierce. Remind me to pet him and give him candy or something next time he comes to NYC.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

Kira said it best!! She always does!

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger Jackie said...

Wow....this hofsnark is totally fierce. I like him.

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Joe said...

HofSnark is too funny.

Tupperware, unwashed iron skillets, no personality...ugh. Sorry A*, that just has to suck. Fortunately, you have Hofz to help you get through it.

 

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