*Stealing Internet

*The first things to be bought and sold

*Pile of stuff

*Spiders crawling all over your skin

*Miss Paige, thanks for letting me "sketch you up"!...

*Even more paranoid than normal

*In their dark, but idling, trucks

*Who ARE those guys?

*No food for you

*No biggie

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Monday, August 08, 2005

She invited you back to her place for coffee

This is the sixteenth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

The horse-hung
MooCow asked: Why do men's fancy pants come with multiple buttons? I mean my jeans only need one button. So why when I'm wearing fancy pants do I need two or sometimes three buttons around the waist? Is it only because fat dudes wear nice pants?

When a man is putting on fancy pants he is preparing to do one of the following:
  • go to work (look at who is Mr. Important with a grown-up job)
  • go to interview for work (tell them you know me, it can't hurt)
  • go on a hot fancy-pants worthy date (look who is dropping dough so he can increase his chances of getting into someone else's fancy pants)
  • going to church/temple (who are you trying to fool? God? He knows all about you. Your token visit to his house only fools you into thinking that He wasn't watching when you spent last Tuesday night watching reruns of Blossom with your not-so-fancy-pants around your ankles)
  • get married (look who is buying the cow, now)
  • go to court (she looked like she was 18)
Think of the multiple button puzzle on fancy pants as a pop quiz... a right of passage. You are getting ready for something very important. Are you worthy? Are you smart enough and good enough (and, darn it, do people like you)?

The makers of fancy pants are so tricky. There is the button at the top where all pant buttons are. There is the second button next to it which seems redundant then the mystery button that
falls somewhere near the jewels and just behind the zipper. Once you get yourself strapped in, all button locked and your fly set you are ready to go. Your mind is focused, the Rubik Cube is solved. Lock and load, rock and roll you are ready to take on the task.

They also provide a nice fail-safe. If one of the main buttons fail because you use to fit in that suit when you bought last year yet somehow the air in the closet has been shrinking all of your clothes, you have back ups. Kind of like the second key needed to the big scary red button in the steel suitcase the president carries around in the movies. If you are wearing fancy pants, the last thing you want is for buttons to be a'popping and pants to be a'dropping (unless, of course, you are finished with your fancy pants dinner and she invited you back to her place for coffee).

Don't forget, your tie is tied the right length when the only fancy pants button is covered by the bottom of the tie. Bottom line... be happy you have to wear fancy pants. In most cases, it means you're are going somewhere... lookin' fancy.

there are 11 doodles

At 1:41 PM, Blogger MooCow said...

I see.

What are these "tie" things of which you speak? They confuse and frighten me...

At 1:47 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

Ah, so that is why.
I am enlightened and can now tie, um, die a happy man.

At 6:45 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

You are so awesome, Hof!

What I hate are those button-fly jeans. Can you explain those to me?? You guys complain that bras are difficult to unfasten in the heat of the moment. What makes you think we want to reach down there and be faced with a half-dozen buttons to maneuver through heavy denim material?? Zippers are SO MUCH easier when you're in a hurry...in the dark...possibly less than 100% sober...you get the point.

At 3:26 AM, Blogger Paige said...

CheeseWhiz, speaking from experience are we?

At 5:02 AM, Blogger deanne said...

But zippers are so much more frightening! They have TEETH! I always worry about the TEETH.

Hell I'm frightened of taking them off in the dark, and I'm a woman!

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Joe said...

I love this. It's like an exclusive on-line version of GQ.

Good point, Deanne. I'm never going to wear pants again...

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Kira said...

I had a pair of button fly jeans once. ONCE. Bellybutton had never seen them before, and he undid one button in the heat of the moment and stared, very unhappy about the sea of buttons in front of him that was in the way of his target.

Yes, I had a pair of button fly jeans, ONCE...LOL I don't think they were repairable afterwards.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Hof- I thought all the extra button were to make the front of the pants more flattering for your figure.

Also, about the button fly. Just unbutton the top one, and pull the two flaps of pants in opposite directions. The buttons will pop right open.

Have you people no passion?

At 12:09 PM, Blogger hofzinser said...

As someone with a Lucky Jeans issue (ok, problem. A real problem... I own 7 pairs and want more... back off... I see you coveting my jeans... *pulls knife*)

I don't mind button flies at all. Once you get the top button (the one all jeans have) you rip (as ACW says) and the monster is free to consume its prey.

At 11:00 PM, Blogger Kira said...

That only works after you do the button/unbutton thing for a while, I believe. A "fresh" pair has to have its buttonholes stretched out some to be able to pull them open with ease by that technique.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger WendyKat said...

mmmm but it's so hot to watch an expert unbutton his fly that way...


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