*Please, no autographs

*Run to Wal Mart

*Before I do anything brash....

*Stripper to the pole

*Keep your eye on the ball

*Clever little show

*In her little face



*Um, yea, hi, how ya doin'?... Contest part II

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Just nod your head

During my 30-day hiatus I was overwhelmed with emails. I am sorry for taking a break from blogging. Until the tsunami of emails crashed on my unprepared third-world inbox shores, I had no idea how many of you depend on my words and thoughts to give you purpose and direction.

Let me take the wheel again and steer you back to the highway of truth and wisdom. Here are a few things you either already knew, maybe forgot or mistakenly disagreed with until you realized it was me who told you they were true

  • Radiohead and Tool are the two most talented and innovative artists still putting out albums.
  • Casablanca is, to this day, the only perfect movie ever made.
  • Fat people in line at the all-you-can-keep-down buffet is gross - especially when it is their tenth return trip to get the carved ham because they got the cobbler and ice cream on their first trip to be sure they didn't fill up and miss it.
  • In all honesty, a sentence that starts with "in all honesty" will end with a lie.
  • The Democrats are already squandering their window of opportunity to rise and appear to have ideas while the Republicans appear to implode.
  • Of all the variations of the work "Fuck", calling someone a "Fuck Stick" has the most impact.
  • George Carlin is not funny anymore. He use to be but he is not now.
  • Acne should be a only a teenage problem. Adults should not get acne. There should be a law.
  • Don't claim to understand economics, race in America or how government works or even SHOULD work if you've never read anything by Thomas Sowell. You are just embarrassing yourself and, because you read this blog, you're smarter than that.
  • Cheerleaders that start a bar fight because someone interrupted their lesbian tryst in the bathroom stall should not be news-worthy. That type of thing should be so common that we expect it. Seriously. More, not less. Get on that.
  • The only thing worth watching on TV right now is HBO's ROME, Medium, Lost, Daily Show, Cobert Report, football, college basketball, Law and Order:CI and poker. The rest is garbage.
  • Everyone knew the geeks would inherit the earth. Don't act surprised. We won. Bring us your daughters and their playfully bi-curious college roommates.
  • The riots in France show that the French can be in a conflict for longer than ten days without surrendering. They have the white flags ready but nobody to wave them to. If you live in Germany right now, take a quick holiday in Paris this weekend. You will enter a tourist but likely leave as emperor. They are waiting for someone to succumb to - it will only be a matter of timing.
  • How our dimensional membrane interacts and intersects with the infinite other dimensional membranes is easily explained with basic string theory. Just nod your head, pretend to think about the previous sentence for a moment then say "you're right". It will make your friends think you are a brainaic.
  • Batman is still the coolest superhero and Aquaman is still the lamest.
  • Anyone calling for price controls or a windfall tax on gas has a short memory. A certain peanut farmer pretending to be a president tried both and we all know how well that worked. Do you want to see alternative energy sources explored and used? Let the gas stay expensive and let the capital market do what it does best.
  • If you still have faith in the United Nations then there are a few other things you should know. There is no Santa, OJ killed his wife, the Menendez brothers did it for the money, you won't win the lottery this week, the federal government is not your mommy and being gay is not a choice.
Better? Good.
Now go about your day.

there are 16 doodles

At 11:15 AM, Blogger A* said...

Darling are you trying to tell me something with the whole girl-on-girl reference-thingy?

About TV: Garbage=Guilty Pleasure. Please note America's Next Top Model, Laguna Beach and Gilmore Girls.

But I love you anyway...

At 11:19 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

The federal government is my leather-clad dominatrix and it won't stop boning me up the ass.

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Kira said...

a) I like "fuck wad" too. "fuck twat" also has a nice spin, although it sounds like a suggestion.

b) What about the female geeks? Can't I be brought the sons?

c) I don't watch TV

d) Hmm. The riots in France are all over now, not just in Paris, and if getting some Germans in there would make 'em surrender, yay. I doubt it though, considering it's largely poor, young Algerians with nothing better to do than to scream that they are underpriviledged by arranging more riots via CELL PHONES and EMAIL. They claim they are poor and ignored and they have cell phones and emails?

e) Batman is indeed way cooler than Superman, but don't underestimate Spidey. Or Groo!

At 12:38 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

I always thought Hong Kong Phooey was the coolest superhero. Shows what I know.

Fuck Stick is good. I am a traditionalist, so I just go with Mother Fucker.

DEADWOOD is good too! Shout out to A* for the Gilmore Girls. What about Veronica Mars?

I do feel better thanks.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Dan said...

What? No love for "Fucktard"?

At 4:29 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

"Ass hat" always made me giggle. Welcome back!

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Mel said...

"Everyone knew the geeks would inherit the earth. Don't act surprised. We won. Bring us your daughters and their playfully bi-curious college roommates."

LOL! Love it! And I love geeks and bicurious girls too!;)

God I'm so glad you're back!

At 10:40 PM, Blogger WordWhiz said...

It's good to have you back!

At 12:58 AM, Blogger Two Drink Girl said...

Veronica Mars and Fuck-tard, if you please.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Rome, Lost & CSI - Yay! I'm with A* on the garbage tv, guilty pleasure, sometimes you need the rough with the smooth.

Thank you for getting all that straight for me , the world seems a better place again!

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

In the defense of fat people everywhere (not that I think it's right or necessarily one's choice sometimes) but I did read an article many moons ago, that with some people there is not an "Off" switch that tells them to stop eating. I'm totally serious. And no, I don't believe EVERYthing I read, but I do believe it was proven!! So don't be grossed out at something someone can always help. That's like someone being grossed out that someone has a missing arm or leg (in some sense)

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, I sumtimez get PACKED! Good-luck w/ dem ;-) PEACE

At 4:30 PM, Blogger allison said...

Fuck Me.

At 4:33 PM, Blogger allison said...

Not you. I mean, I am not telling you to fuck me.

A*, I was not telling Hof to fuck me.


But DAAAAMN did I prove that to be THEE best variation of the word "fuck"?

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Kira said...

Yes you did, but you still may end up getting A* to cut you if she reads "fuck me" before you explain what you mean ;)

At 12:57 PM, Blogger A* said...

Seeing as how Fuck Me is one of my favorite phrases, oh wait...

Ohhhhhhhhh...I'm sorry. You meant the other tone.

It's cool yo. Ya know, I heart ya Miss Allison.


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