During my 30-day hiatus I was overwhelmed with emails. I am sorry for taking a break from blogging. Until the tsunami of emails crashed on my unprepared third-world inbox shores, I had no idea how many of you depend on my words and thoughts to give you purpose and direction.
Let me take the wheel again and steer you back to the highway of truth and wisdom. Here are a few things you either already knew, maybe forgot or mistakenly disagreed with until you realized it was me who told you they were true
- Radiohead and Tool are the two most talented and innovative artists still putting out albums.
- Casablanca is, to this day, the only perfect movie ever made.
- Fat people in line at the all-you-can-keep-down buffet is gross - especially when it is their tenth return trip to get the carved ham because they got the cobbler and ice cream on their first trip to be sure they didn't fill up and miss it.
- In all honesty, a sentence that starts with "in all honesty" will end with a lie.
- The Democrats are already squandering their window of opportunity to rise and appear to have ideas while the Republicans appear to implode.
- Of all the variations of the work "Fuck", calling someone a "Fuck Stick" has the most impact.
- George Carlin is not funny anymore. He use to be but he is not now.
- Acne should be a only a teenage problem. Adults should not get acne. There should be a law.
- Don't claim to understand economics, race in America or how government works or even SHOULD work if you've never read anything by Thomas Sowell. You are just embarrassing yourself and, because you read this blog, you're smarter than that.
- Cheerleaders that start a bar fight because someone interrupted their lesbian tryst in the bathroom stall should not be news-worthy. That type of thing should be so common that we expect it. Seriously. More, not less. Get on that.
- The only thing worth watching on TV right now is HBO's ROME, Medium, Lost, Daily Show, Cobert Report, football, college basketball, Law and Order:CI and poker. The rest is garbage.
- Everyone knew the geeks would inherit the earth. Don't act surprised. We won. Bring us your daughters and their playfully bi-curious college roommates.
- The riots in France show that the French can be in a conflict for longer than ten days without surrendering. They have the white flags ready but nobody to wave them to. If you live in Germany right now, take a quick holiday in Paris this weekend. You will enter a tourist but likely leave as emperor. They are waiting for someone to succumb to - it will only be a matter of timing.
- How our dimensional membrane interacts and intersects with the infinite other dimensional membranes is easily explained with basic string theory. Just nod your head, pretend to think about the previous sentence for a moment then say "you're right". It will make your friends think you are a brainaic.
- Batman is still the coolest superhero and Aquaman is still the lamest.
- Anyone calling for price controls or a windfall tax on gas has a short memory. A certain peanut farmer pretending to be a president tried both and we all know how well that worked. Do you want to see alternative energy sources explored and used? Let the gas stay expensive and let the capital market do what it does best.
- If you still have faith in the United Nations then there are a few other things you should know. There is no Santa, OJ killed his wife, the Menendez brothers did it for the money, you won't win the lottery this week, the federal government is not your mommy and being gay is not a choice.
Now go about your day.