*Sleep gives me more energy

*My buddy

*Your ears are sparkling

*She is loaded and shiny

*The funny thing is

*You play like defending champions

*Worse ways

*More ethnic than religious


*Does the rock

1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy

   Monday, December 19, 2005

It will only smell and make you queasy

"Yea, hi. It's me again. Call me when you get this message"
"Hello? Are you OK? I'm starting to get worried"
"What the hell? I've left you a bajillion messages. Are you never calling me back?"
"Fuck you, asshole. I can't believe it is ending this way. I'm never calling again."
"OK, last message. What happened? Can you at least tell me that?"
"Hello? Are you there? Pick up!"
This is the eighteenth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

The queen of everything disco Wordwhiz asked: Why do men.... dump women by avoiding them like they were carrying a deadly disease? Why can't they just be honest? I'd much rather get the truth than be sitting by the phone or checking my email every 30 minutes. Be a man!! Give it to me straight.

It is all in our wiring. This is the explanation, not the excuse. Men's minds are designed to compartmentalize and store. We can isolate things, box them up and shelve them away.

This is in stark contrast to the female mind. You ladies keep everything connected at all times.

For us, forgetting to take out the garbage means I forgot to take out the garbage.

For you, I did not take out the garbage because you overcooked the Mahi-Mahi last week (even though we said it was cooked perfect) which was, of course, a direct result of me being thirty-minutes late coming home which made us late for your friend's baby shower which resulted in you having one too many drinks the following night at dinner because I was too nice to the waitress because I think you look fat in that skirt which makes you twist the toothpaste from the top, not the bottom, which is why we stole the covers one night in November of '98 after you had a tough day at work because of that bitch boss who, of course, wore the same blouse as you to the Christmas party the following year which led to me not noticing your new haircut because I forgot to call you the Thursday after my business luncheon which means I hate how your mother never calls before she comes over. I forgot to take out the garbage because of your mother. How can I not see that???

It is very easy for us gents to emotionally isolate things in our life. This is a good skill to have in business, finance and in relationships with other men. If we catch our best friend hitting on our girlfriend a simple "Dude??? What the fuck??" answered by a "Sorry, man.... my bad" closed by the buying of another round and a man-hug; conflict over, best friends forever... who wants a shot?

This skill is not so good when it comes to our relationships with you ladies.

When we realize we no longer want to see you things tend to get messy in our brains. We don't want to see you cry, we don't want to explain why we don't want you anymore and we don't want to be told what we did wrong and why we will never be happy, we don't want to tell you what is wrong with you and us and we don't want to hurt you.

For some of us, when faced with this mountain of an emotional confrontation, we pull out the mental tupperware. We take you and all of our relationship, drop it in the plastic bowl, seal it up and store it in our emotional cupboard over our mental fridge.

Once sealed for freshness, it does not affect us. In our strangeness you are out-of-sight and out-of-mind. We only need to do the "not" for a few days/weeks. Not call you back, not answer the phone, not read your emails and not think about the hell you are in by our silence.

Over time you will give-up and we both will move on. You will take our crappy exit out on the next man you date and we will think about "that move" you use to do in bed while we sleep with the next woman we date.

This, again, is only the explanation, not an excuse. You ladies have wanted to just walk away from a relationship before. You understand the desire to avoid the "big talk" and hurt our feelings. Sometimes you've gone as far as taking the passive-aggressive path of being a pain in the ass so we will break up with you instead (or, at least, you considered it). We just stop answering the phone.

What help is that, for me, Uncle Hof?

Simple.... if a dude does this, don't be "that girl". If you make two calls, leave two messages and they are not returned, stop calling. Don't chase. We men are most interested in the women that seem the least interested in us. Want him to call you more? Stop calling him.

If a man pulls the fell-off-the-face-of-the-earth dump on you he was likely not into you enough to be a future something. Your time with him is over and he turned out not to be what you hoped he was. Don't go searching through the cupboard above his fridge for your tupperware. It won't burp when you open the seal... it will only smell and make you queasy.

His next girlfriend will be a fat skank anyway.

there are 7 doodles

At 10:08 AM, Blogger A* said...

Except for you...

Your "next" girlfriend was a hot ass Latina. ;)

love you

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Dancinfairy said...

"We take you and all of our relationship, drop it in the plastic bowl, seal it up and store it in our emotional cupboard over our mental fridge."

It all becomes clear!

I know that this advice makes perfect sense. Now all I need is a man brain transplant so the next time I don't obsess over the fact he didn't call back!

At 11:28 AM, Blogger allison said...

Good explanation. Still sick of it, though.

I mean...that has never happened to me. Heh.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Mitch said...


That about sums it up. Good one!

At 2:29 AM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

So, what you are saying is that you are not going to give me a reason why you don't like me anymore?

I mean, we did not hang out this time. You said you would call and you didn't. I am hurt. No really. I have had trouble sleeping. I don't eat.

Okay, even I can't keep that crap up.

But, Dude???? What the Fuck?????

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Thanks Hof! But what we really want to know is WHY the man didn't like us in the first place!! Is it something we can change? Is it something they didn't see?

See usually men make their first judgments after the first date... but I guess it's simply... "he's just not that into you", huh?

But WHAT WAS IT that they didn't like is what we want to know! ;)

At 7:36 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Hof, you're a genius. And you made me feel much better.


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