Taking a personal day today to spend time with la esposa a ser. Tuesday marks the start of an insane month. I am speaking at a conference all next week. I then come home and speak in three other conferences here in South Florida.
That is followed by ten days in NYC speaking at another conference with a few extra days with La mujer de mis sueños.
February will end leaving me only a handful of days to pack up my entire life and ship up to NC.
Admit it, you missed me. As usual, I have to come and rescue this waste of a URL. Honestly, after such a long hiatus, I am surprised sappy-slug still has readers.
HofSnark is back and nobody is safe.
I archived Hof and got caught up. Was it just me, or did I see a post about a cat? Has he no shame? After reading all of his useless posts I went through his blogroll and got caught up with all of the crap he reads. The only thing worse than this blog is your blog. Christ.
I then ventured to the NEXT BLOG button and, after losing my lunch, found the glory-hole of the blogosphere. Below is the post from a blog that will remain unnamed. Get a fork for your eyes, kids, this one is a gem. My comments are in red.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 An unusual, unexpected evening
Tonight, I did something I have never in my life done before. [ah, you took a shower... not as bad as you expected, was it?] I participated in a literal hands on prayer for healing. [Why, is healing having a tough day? Did healing need you and your friends to speed-dial God? If I was God and someone prayed for someone I would be a tad ticked. Do you think I was not paying attention? Isn't praying basically telling God he's been sleeping on the job? Isn't praying the celestial post-it saying, "hey, get your shit together, God." If I was God I would strike down the praying fool and burn into her stomach, "BITCH, I am all-fucking-knowing. I don't need you to remind me of what the FUCK is going on. I run this joint!] A few years ago, I couldn't imagine myself doing such a thing. Though I have sat with friends, holding their hands or my arm around their shoulder, praying for health, this was different. [I smell a Penthouse Forum Letter coming....] This was a group united in their concern for me and a recurrent, chronic health issue. [Now I get it... it was different because it was for you. Could not imagine yourself doing this before UNTIL you realized it was going to be all about you. Die bitch.] There was no one there who claimed to have the power of healing. [yet] No one was asking for money. [yet] There were no claims that if healing didn't happen, it was because of lack of faith. [don't even get me started] There was no pressure to participate. [riiiight, your zealots never pressure others] These were people who have chosen to believe that God/dess has never stopped miracles. [This fucking pisses me off. We are talking about God. Do you think he really has either a penis or a vagina? He's God, pick a pronoun and go with it.] Some of these miracles are in the incredible design of the world in which we live. [Pretty cool... if the sentence actually made any sense] A miracle might be the peace one finds when life is falling apart, and there is no logical reason for the mind and spirit to be calm. [Its called pot, not a miracle] A miracle might be finding how much we are loved when we are lost and trapped in loneliness and despair. [THAT would be a miracle. Anyone that might love you only needs to read this crap. God called last night and mentioned you are unloved. I meant to call you this morning and tell you... then I remembered I don't love you either and gave not a shit] A miracle could be the parting of a sea or a return of health for no apparent reason. These were people who have opened themselves to the miraculous in the ordinary, the rare and the unexplained. [no, these are people that feel the fucking need to take the lucky shit that just happens and need to take partial credit for it. "I prayed and prayed and look what happened". Shit happens. Sometimes it is good shit, sometimes its bad shit. If there is a God and he made it happen, its not because you underlined it on his to-do list.]
I've always associated healing by faith with either television hucksters or religious charismatics overwhelmed by emotion and peer pressure. [...gee, I wonder why] I've imagined wailing women with hair that hasn't been cut in years swooped into overdone piles on their heads, no makeup and overly long skirts, men in bad suits and worse toupees talking loudly and smacking people. [please please please let this be the beginning of the Forum Letter. "The man in the bad suit came over and asked me if I wanted a massage...."] That has been some snobbery on my part, some natural and understandable skepticism, and unfamiliarity. ["That has been some"... great way to start a sentence. What is that, the past present perfect tense. Jesus on a chain, read a book] My religious life has been to approach things from the head first and let it soak in from there. [that doesn't even make sense. Are you approaching the head first? Whose head are you approaching. Read another book.] Some of these people were executives and professionals still in the business casual attire which is the norm for this area. I know of multiple advanced degrees among the educational credentials in the room. [What the FUCK is an "advanced degree"? Are there intermediate and beginner degrees? When you register at the college can you set the difficulty level higher like a video game?] The conversation preceding this prayer could just have easily been about the impact of St. Augustine's confessions or the Councils of Nicea as it was about healing. [Can your tense be any harder to read? "could just have easily"-FUUUUUCK!]The ability to approach faith mind first was there, but another direction was chosen. [what the hell are you talking about? Did you proof this crap?]
Still, this was still faith healing, something which has always triggered my BS meter. [You owe me $4,276.23 for that second "still". "Still this was still..." I take cashier's check.] Healing was something that happened in the days of Jesus, in the days of the prophets. [These are the days of our Jesus...] As someone who believes the Bible from a non-literal perspective, I've been able to accept that Jesus, both divine and human could heal miraculously. [Are you being charged per punctuation? I'll loan you the money for a period and another comma. You hurt my head. I am still not sure what "believed the Bible from a non-literal perspective" is supposed to mean] I could believe that He gave this gift to His followers with whom He lived. As a relatively intelligent and well read woman in the 21st century, I believed that gifts for healing were now what motivated people to go into medical professions and that would be where I would find what I sought for my health. [OMG, are you serious with this sentence? The best part... this horrible sentence includes the factoid that you are well read. Talk about BS meters.] I've felt that God/dess didn't have to be showy and often worked in everyday activities.
Tonight though, I sat in a chair, and people laid their hands on me and quietly prayed out loud, one by one, followed by a period of silence. [...then the woman with the stacked hair moved her hand up my thigh. At first I was shocked... FUCK this better be the start of the Forum Letter] I'm normally very particular about being touched. [Here we GO! WOOOT"] My intimacy and personal space boundaries are large, but this didn't feel intrusive. [Is it large baby? Say its large. Give me your big boundaries, baby. Give it. Large, baby, LARGE] Physically, during the prayer and for about an hour afterwards, I felt unusually warm. [That was your big flappy pussy, sweetie.] It's difficult to describe, but the level of heat was comparable to that of a hot flash without the sweats and the discomfort. [...oh boy, here comes the punchline. Get ready for it] My illness didn't instantly disappear, and I didn't jump up shouting like one would see on some TV show. I am more comfortable, and I know that this could be due to some chemical release that comes from stepping into a new and somewhat scary experience (that every day presence of the miraculous thing). [um... so you are healed or not?] I don't expect to wake up tomorrow morning [we hope you don't wake up tomorrow morning] with my symptoms all gone, but I'm not going to eliminate that from possibility either.
What I do know for sure was that this was a step of faith. I opened a door of possibility and feel like I could open more. [how many doors of possibility are there? Where is the door of me possibly winning the lottery. You win the "Worst use of Figurative Language" award. Get the fuck over yourself and your unspecified illness. God doesn't give a shit about you and tell your looney friends he checks the Caller ID so quit praying.]
I am flooded daily with emails from my readers. Most ask for advice or my thoughts on this or my thoughts on that. Many of my gay male and straight female readers ask how they can improve their relationship and/or sex life with their boyfriend/husband. Instead of spending hours today answering each and every email, I will start a new feature called...
"Just for Him"
These will be short suggestions for what you can do just for your man today to make his life a little better. Hopefully this feature will stem the tide of emails and give many of you ideas that will add some variety to your relationships while bringing you closer together.
Just for Him #1 The "I can't resist"
Next time you find yourself alone with your man, show him how much he turns you on. There are few bigger turn-ons for men than the idea that their partner cannot contain their attraction towards them. The idea that you are SO sexually attractive to us that, at times, it overwhelms you is a HUGE turn-on.
So hit him with an ambush blow-job. Maybe you are both watching TV on the couch. Lean over, unzip and go to it. Say nothing... just go for it. Maybe he is in the shower. Hop in and drop down. Say nothing, just go for it. Maybe he is driving... same as the couch scenario above. There should be no other foreplay or hanky-panky (or even kissing) first. You want this to be an ambush. He should never expect it. I also recommend a whispered "I just couldn't help myself" sometime early in the act. Look up to him and say it.
You want to give him the feeling that he and his penis have been on your mind all day. You've tried to control yourself, you've tried to resist... but you couldn't any longer. You had to see it, you had to touch it, you had to taste it.
I realize some of you are not into giving BJs. Get over it and try this. Be sure to come back and share with all of us how it went.
Trust your Uncle Hof... this is something great "Just For Him."
In your introduction to the crowd at the ComiCon several years ago you said, you don't create to make shows that people will like. You make shows that people will love. You also mentioned how amazed you were by the underground surge which led to a cancelled show being made into a movie.
Don't be too surprised. You captured our hearts with your little show.
Star Trek never set well with me. It presented this utopian mega-government that always acted with benevolence. Pikard and Kirk flew around the stars spreading their vision. I always wondered if there was a rebel movement fighting the Federation monster. Were there people that did not want their lives controlled by Big Brother?
You gave us Mal and his crew. I am a brown coat at heart. They were the part of the Trek story that was never told. The Alliance promised a better society and they refused to drink the Kool-Aid.
You gave us characters that we believed. Flawed and heroic, the crew of Serenity became our friends. We know them; believe them.
Mal is an inflexible ass. Zoe is loyal to a fault. Wash is an insecure pain. Inara's nose is far in the air yet she still makes her living on her back. Jayne is a sexist bigot with enough blood for his brain and his pecker - just not at the same time. Kaylee is a whiner. Dr. Simon always looked down on the others. River is a nut-job and Shepard has a past we know is lined in blood and bad things.
It wasn't their gold hearts we loved - it was their flaws. The best part of the movie was getting to hang out with them again.
Pulling off a western set hundreds of years in the future is no small task. You did not make another Futureworld with too much camp and not enough heart. I believed the FireFly 'verse. It is real. You know a little camp goes a long way. Buffy had the perfect balance. FF proved that Buffy was not fluke. You are a master.
We need a sequel. I want to buy a six-pack, dodge some Reavers and come over and hang out on Serenity one more time.
In the days of Star Wars being ruined by the creator and Star Trek's brand-whoring you gave us all something to love. Love it we do.
I watched the confirmation hearings for a few hours yesterday. I bet you thought working from home was always a bath of excitement and never ending crisis management (much like an episode of "ER").
Some of you know my political leanings. I lean as far away from all of them as I can. I believe the ability to survive the political gauntlet and actually get elected means you've made enough deals with the devils to prevent you from making untainted decisions.
The only people that make me sicker than Democrats are their Republican brothers. We gotta have them so let's do everything in our power to keep as much power out of their hands.
...oh yea, back to the hearings.
I found the contrast of personas between the long tables and the short table startling. At the short table we appear to have a respected career judge who obviously has brain mass between the ears. It also appears he uses crazy things like retraint and reason. At the long tables was a shooting gallery of clowns. One after another they postured, proclaimed, attacked and did just about everything but what they are BOUND to do by the Constitution.
The Prez picks 'em and the Senate makes sure they don't think they are Napoleon or that aliens have infiltrated our bloodstream which taint our judgment and health (basically, they can't be Scientologists).
Alito made it clear early that he would NOT talk about how he might decide on a future case without actually being the judge and without being presented by both parties in a judicial session. In essence, it would appear he takes this whole judging thing seriously.
Does this stop those idiots from spewing their garbage and asking his opinion on Executive Powers or Abortion? I wonder how many of them even realize that Roe V Wade was not decided as an abortion issue but a state vs. federal power issue. All Roe v Wade did was change which barrel of monkeys gets to choose how much control a woman has over her own body.
I have a hard time believing you can watch these hearings and feel that these dolts should have any say over what color the White House should be painted, let alone the reproductive process.
(wait one second, I have to put both hands on the lightning rod)
When a woman has an abortion she is ending a life. No fancy rhetoric will change the truth of this. (WTF? You thought you just read above that I was pro-choice).
I am pro-choice. Not because abortion is protected in the constitution. Not because you have to be born before you are a person or a life. I don't think the federal constitution protects the woman's right to choose.
I am pro-choice because the idea of the government having ANY control over reproduction is so fucking scary. You let them have any say over how a woman can use her uterus then get ready for them to get their grubby hands on birth control, how many children we can have and, ultimatly who can screw whom.
I refuse to screw anybody that Joe Biden or Orrin Hatch picks out.
Watch the hearings when you get a chance. Next time you are talking politics and decide that the government should take care of problem X or regulate Y, I want you ro remember the lineup at the hearing.
The government writes no laws and regulates nothing. It is those schlemiels that write the laws and regulate. Next time you vote, put one party in control of the Senate, the other in the White House and try and keep the House of Rashes as close to even as possible. With a little luck they will spend all their time fighting and actually get nothing done.
I miss running a roleplaying game. In high school and college, I was the storyteller, the gamemaster the high geek priest of the eight-sided dice.
I miss it.
I wonder if any of my readers would consider meeting online and geeking maybe once or twice a month. I would run the game. My games were heavy on roleplaying and used the simple and flexible GURPS rules.
I could run a horror or fantasy game.
Comment or email if you would be interested in playing. If anyone knows a good way to run a game online, please let me know. Is there software to handle the dice, etc?
I know what you are thinking... Hof has finally fallen into the trap so many failed to navigate away from.... He is blogging about his cat.
You should be ashamed of yourself - ASHAMED! I would never let The Halo be besmirched with a post about my cat. No way, no how. This is a post about someone else's cat. Do you feel the shame now? I cannot believe you thought so little of The Halo.
A* and I spent our first few days in NC up in Raleigh with Sister. She recently got a new cat that is... are you ready for it.... breathe.... polydactyl. (You didn't need to follow the link, did you? You already knew what it meant. Was it the pictoral context clues? We are so proud of you!)
I am not much of a cat person but Stewie is a riot. He and I spent hours with me armed with a laser pointer and he on the hunt. These are actual pictures of Stewie; the next step in the evolution of feline.
I've been having terrible insomnia the last few nights. This is not a rare thing for me. I took a few melatonin last night and finally got a solid night's sleep.