*too cool....

*the last 20 seconds

*Mark loses faith

*every day-no problem

*what his career has become

*What happens

*Jenkins is The Man

*When did I drink the Kool-Aid?

*i no this is well in advance

*My mailman is


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


April 2005

May 2005

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   Friday, June 30, 2006

The collective human experience

Wow... I asked and I got my answer. After sifting through the hundreds of email suggestions for the next Top Ten List it was obvious you want me to rank...

The Top Ten Most Useless Celebrities

Now I need your nominations. Who is famous yet has no talent, no purpose and does nothing to further the collective human experience? Put your nominations as a doodle comment to this thread.

Get your snark on and tell everyone who YOU think are the Most Useless Celebrities!

Nominees So Far


Ann Coulter [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Clay Aiken [dan]
David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

*the nomination process will remain open for the weekend. submit all nominations before Tuesday, July 4th*

   Wednesday, June 28, 2006

We want

Ok kids.... I dropping my last Top Ten idea (for worst blockbusters)... just not interesting enough to keep my attention.

Which of these would you like to see for the next Top Ten?

Top Ten Worst Movies that we love to watch

Top Ten Useless Celeberties

Top Ten TV shows (still releasing new episodes)

Top Ten Celebs we know are still in the closet (even if they don't know)

Top Ten Biopic we want to see - so someone needs to make them (alla Ray and Circle of Fire)

   Tuesday, June 27, 2006

You

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I love and miss you, A*)

   Saturday, June 24, 2006

Of all time

Time to start another Top Ten List....

This one should be interesting...

Top 10 Worst Blockbuster Movies

To qualify the film must of grossed over $125 million (US only)

I need you to nominate the movies you think are the worst blockbusters of all time.

Not sure if your potential nominee grossed over $125?

Look it up at IMDB.com. When you find your movie look on the left tool bar, under OTHER you will find Box Office and Business.

This will give you the most recent GROSS in the USA. You only need that number to be over $125 million.

Drop your nominees as a comment and stay tuned!

Current Nominee List
Da Vinci Code (Hofzinser) – 2006, $144,918,409
Godzilla (Hofzinser) – 1998, $136,023,813
Star Wars: Episode I the Phantom Menace (Hofzinser) – 1999, $431,065,444
War of the Worlds (Hofzinser) – 2005, $234,280,354

I then revealed

It all started one night when Mr. Drinker and I were talking about music (which is bound to happen when he and I are having beers). We wondered who were the most important musical artists in recent times. We decided the artist must have their debut album out in 1990 or later to qualify.

From there I turned to you, my readers, to generate the list of nominees

Worthy of Inclusion

I then began to make cuts to the list

Nothing New to their Craft


The Carnage Continues

The Last of the Carnage

I then revealed the Top Ten one artist at a time. Each link will take you to their featured post.

10. Pantera

9. Eminem

8. Tori Amos

7. Smashing Pumpkins

6. Rage Against the Machine

5. Ani DiFranco

4. Dave Mathews

3. Beck

2. Tool

1. Radiohead

   Friday, June 23, 2006

Check your ticket

Here is one to chew on....

Circumstances and a series of events can put you in a bad place. It is up to you to choose how long you will stay there.

You can blame the outside for dropping you off at that bus stop but only you can decide if you're staying or getting on the next bus out.

You can't blame the bus that dropped you off for keeping you off the next one.

Uncle Hof says check your ticket, forget about how you got there and make sure you don't miss the next bus.

   Thursday, June 22, 2006

I give you the gift

I already talked about "10,000 days" in my Tool entry for the top-ten list.

Listened to it AGAIN last night.

Mutherfukka... it is a great album. "The Pot" is officially one of the top five Tool songs ever.

For you few readers that still don't own a Tool album, here is the Official Hof Tool Album Buying Guide.

Buy your Tool in this order. Get one, listen listen listen listen again, fall in love, listen more then buy the next one on the list. Buy, Listen, Rinse, Repeat.

1. Aenima
2. Undertow
3. 10,000 Days
4. Laterus
5. Opiate

Still need more? Get the first two albums by Perfect Circle. They are Maynard's other project.

I give you the gift of Tool because NOBODY loves you like your Uncle Hof.

(BTW, the note from Tool above was in every altered Undertow CD)

   Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Harvesting the valley

The great modern philosopher, Chris Rock, once noted the following:

Whenever l meet a girl that doesn't give head... I look at them like a damn Betamax, "They still make you?"

And when it comes to head, there's three types of women:

A: Women that don't give head. Bye, leave, see you.


B: Women that give you just enough head to shut you up.
You ever meet them women? After a minute they're like, "You okay?" I hate them women!

And number three, my favorite woman:
the woman that likes nothing better than to suck a dick. That's right, God bless all of you! That's right, you make the world a better place to live in. I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote's in it! Like you trying to get some Robitussin out of that motherfucker!

This leads me to the obvious question... Dear readers... all of you, which category do you fall in?

Where do you stand on giving head? (I am including straight men and gay women... harvesting the valley is still giving head)

Do you refuse to give? If so, why?

Do you do just enough to shut your partner up? If so, why?

Do you LOVE to give head? If so, why?

Comment it UP, beeat-ches!

   Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Island in a drained ocean

In 1986 Thom York, Johnny Greenwood, Ed O'Brien, Colin Greenwood and Phil Selway decided to take their school friendship and transform it into a musical marriage. History was made and little did they know twenty years later they would win the coveted number one spot on Halo's Most Important Musical Artist (with a first album released in/after 1990) list.

I welcome Radiohead to the number one spot.

After six years they finally released their first single, "Creep". It remains their most widely known single. Unlike many mega-hits, it deserves the popularity:

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eyes
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very'special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door ...
She's running out
she's run, run, run, run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

It is tough to grasp exactly what is going on in the song. Does he really think she is special or is the entire rant seeped in sarcasm? If you've never heard the acoustic version (just York and a guitar) or if you never saw the animation that was built around it, click here.

It could of all stopped there but "Creep" became the anchor to their first album "Pablo Honey". Honey is simple, popish and infectious. "Anyone Can Play Guitar", also on Honey, was the preview of what would come. It was layered, it was energetic and it proves to be the preview of coming attractions.

There is no artist in modern music that is listened to more by other musicians. No artist has shown the evolution of sound and subject from album to album. No artist puts out albums that can be listened to over and over allowing you to absorb new aspects, new sounds and new layers.

After declaring (and even releasing a song titled) "Pop is Dead", Radiohead took a right turn and released their second album, "The Bends". Production of the album happened under the weight of the success of Honey and Creep. Some artists follow up with a similar sound to a hit release to ride the wave. Radiohead gave their first album the finger and put out a sound that nobody was ready for.

The Bends took the legacy of Floyd, King Crimson and Blind Faith and painted a musical oil on canvas. Each song seems to be a bookend. Each track wraps up the one before it only to end as a lead in to the next track. "High and Dry" got the most play yet it refused to be a pop single...

I don't claim to know what song is about but imagine it is York writing about Radiohead after its initial success. Imagine the song born under the pressure of "Creep". Imagine Radiohead scolding Radiohead....

High and Dry by Radiohead

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

The music retards (read: music critics) immediately pushed Radiohead into the One Hit Wonder box. They wanted to hear Pablo II and often missed the sophomore release as the first real Radiohead album.

They were silenced when their greatest record, "OK Computer" hit the shelves. Rolling Stone recently declared it the "Greatest Rock Album of All Time". Is it? I could be. Like Floyd's "The Wall" it weaves a story yet each track stands on its own. Computer also premiered Radiohead's willingness to bring ambient noise to the party and allow it to mingle and work the room. Computer showed the world that a song defines itself, a song decides what is an instrument and a song is bigger than the sum of its parts.

One of the tracks, "Subterranean Homesick Alien" not only nods to Dylan in its title it shows how a good lyric can speak to a common experience without being common, without being trite or typical.

Subterranean Homesick Alien by Radiohead

The breath of the morning
I keep forgetting
The smell of the warm summer air

I live in a town
Where you can't smell a thing
You watch your feet
For cracks in the pavement

Up above
Aliens hover
Making home movies
For the folks back home

Of all these weird creatures
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in themselves
And live for their secrets

They're all uptight
Uptight..

I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship
Show me the world as I'd love to see it

I'd tell all my friends
But they'd never believe
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely

I'd show them the stars
And the meaning of life
They'd shut me away
But I'd be all right
All right..

I'm just uptight
Uptight..

Since Computer, Radiohead has refused to acknowledge their musical environment. They've remained an island in a drained ocean. Each record that followed took a Darwinian step towards new ground. Each album stands on its own, is irreverent to its predecessor yet somehow is still a Radiohead sound.

Radiohead does not set new standards like Beck. Radiohead does not break and piss on their genre like Tool. Radiohead is Radiohead and only they define what that means.

Only Radiohead could top this list.

The Most Important Artists (with a debut album released in/after 1990)

1) Radiohead
2) Tool
3) Beck
4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

   Monday, June 19, 2006

Behind the books

"It has to be somewhere!"

He hears the door jam of the front door giving way under the pressure. Whatever is trying to get in would; soon.

He pulls out each drawer of his dresser and dumps them. As the pile of boxers, socks and t-shirts grow the gun remains missing.

"What the FUCK!?!", he screams.

He hears the cracking downstairs. He has to find the gun before the non-model extra-cost upgrade door gives up. Kicking the pile of clothes he sets his head on a swivel. He imagines lasers shooting from his eyes scanning the room like Superman with X-ray vision.

Under the bed? No. Lamp table? No. Behind the books?

It sounds like breaking bones as the wood around the door splinters into a shower of toothpicks and wooden shrapnel.

He smells its breath from upstairs.

It has be behind the books.

It has to be.

   Saturday, June 17, 2006

Keeping the conflicts

Just saw the first 4 episodes of The 4400 (thanks, Netflix!)

Season one and only a few episodes in and so far, so good.

Decent character depth. Nice premise. Good pace of revelations (unlike Lost).

Writers are keeping the conflicts engaging and pushing the characters (the way talented storytellers should).

I will have a full review of Season One once I get the other disks in the mail and digested.

I bet you can't FRIGGIN' wait.

Hof has spoken.

   Friday, June 16, 2006

Such an egomanic

Here is a question....

Am I hetrosexual because I like women so much...

or

because I am such an egomanic that I only like my penis?

   Friday, June 09, 2006

You fear he has forgotten

I just finished a brilliant book.... American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I knew Gaiman from his stint as the prolific writer of the DC Comic title, Sandman. He proved, as a comic writer, that the sequential art can be more than just tights and capes.

In Sandman he took us to places we never imagined and had us look back on the world, from this new viewpoint, to see it was not quite what we thought it was.

Who knew he would also prove to be an innovative novelist. Unlike the story-belching unplanned scrit of Stephen King, Gaiman gives us a chilling story that in complete. He gives us real characters that are fantastical yet grounded. He introduces us to Gods that seem as real as our neighbors. He offers up a protagonist in Shadow that we never understand yet root for until the end.

A story of betrayal, a celestial con, clashes of old and new all centered on a man whose first gift after leaving prison is to find his wife died... in the coital of another man.

If you are ready for a story you've never come across before told by someone who, unlike King, uses details to push us forward (not to fill the page). There is a great subplot that proves quite the mystery. Once you fear he has forgotten the great side story, he springs the resolution on us when we least expect it.

It won the 2002 Hugo, Nebula and Bram Stoker awards, all for Best Novel. It was also nominated for Best Novel in the 2002 BSFA Award.

I loved the characters and devoured the writing. He spent a long time designing and executing this novel... and it shows.

   Thursday, June 01, 2006

My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.

When people describe a hard rock band they rarely use the word "intelligent". It is even more rare to not hear that word when describing the band that comes in at number two in our rankings. Tool is welcomed as the second most important band with a debut album released in or after 1990.

In 1990 an unknown drummer, Danny Carey, arrived at his vocalist neighbor Maynard Keenan's house to jam. Guitarist Adam Jones and bassist Paul d'Amour where already there. The rest is history.

The path to their sound is interesting. Whenever you first listened to Tool you immediately threw them in the hard/heavy metal category. When you keep listening you realize they are more than followers of Led Zeppelin. What other heavy metal bands owe much of their sound to bands like King Crimson, early Yes, Rush and even Pink Floyd?

What heavy metal bands have songs about religion, transcendence, Junian psychology, evolution and the reality separation of current society? What heavy metal bands with less than two decades of music and only five or so albums have had the impact of Tool? Each member is considered the premier musician for their instrament. Each so innovative and each so ahead of their peers that they create a sound that forms an experience.

Tool is innovative. Tool is as wide as it is deep. Tool is engulfing. Tool is intelligent.

Their first release was an EP called "Opiate". This exposed the raw center of the band. Its hard, it rages yet the songs are not what you are use to hearing coupled with the themes. "Hush" deals with conformity and censorship ("I can't say what I want to, Even if I'm not serious."). "Part of Me" takes the theme of the Police's "Every Breath You Take" up a notch by taking us into the mind of an obsessor (" You can't speak, you don't judge. You can't leave. You can't hurt me. You're just here for me to use").

The title track "Opiate" is the star of the album. Tool turns the mirror on organized religion and pulls no punches....

Opiate by Tool


Choices always were a problem for you.

What you need is someone strong to guide you.

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,

What you need is someone strong to use you..

Like me,
Like me.

If you want to get your soul to heaven,
Trust in me .
Don't judge or question.
You are broken now,
But faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.


Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow.

Let me lay my holy hand upon you.

My gods will
Becomes me.
When he speaks out,

He speaks through me.
He has needs
Like I do.

We both want
To rape you.

Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life.

Open my eyes and blind me with your light
And your lies.

Their debut album spread locally in Los Angeles but national recognition would come a year later (1993) when they released their first full album, "Undertow". Like the albums to follow, "Undertow" is not a collection of singles; it is a complete album as much as any King Crimson or Pink Floyd record.

It is an album of cycles. The cycle of substance abuse (Sober), hate (Intolerance), sex (4 Degrees) and, most notably, the nasty never ending cycle of pedophilia (Prison Sex).

When you first hear "Prison Sex" you think it is fresh from the mind of a pedophile. After a few more reviews you realize the attacker was once a victim himself...

Prison Sex by Tool

It took so long to remember just what happened.

I was so young, vestal then, you know it hurt me.
But I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive

Even the signs seemed to tell me otherwise.


Got my hands down, and my head down,

And my eyes closed, my throats wide open.

I do unto others what has been done to me.

Do unto others what has been done to you.


I'm treading water. I need to sleep a while.

My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.

Won't you, won't you come a bit closer.

Close enough so I can smell you.

I need you to feel this.
I cant stand to burn too long.

Release in sodomy. the one sweet moment I'm whole.


I do unto you now what has been to me.

I do unto you now, what has been done.

You're breathing so I guess you're still alive.

Even the signs seem to tell me otherwise.


Won't you, won't you come on up closer.
Close enough so I can smell you.

I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.

Relief in sodomy.
have you witnessed that blood and flesh can be trusted.

Have you witnessed the blood and, this cant be trusted.

Only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.

Got your hands bound, and your head down,

And your eyes closed, you look so precious now.


I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this.

Shit, blood, and cum on my hands.

I've come round full circle.

My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.
you look so precious.
You look so precious now...

I dare you to find me a song with this complexity and thought. It is raw, it is powerful, it is offensive and it is honest. Real fucking honest.

What I believe is their greatest album came next. "Aenema" solidified Tool as this generation's Pink Floyd. Each song is tied to the next. Each song stands as a masterpiece that transcends any musical category.

The opening track "Stinkfist" takes on the idea of sexual self discovery wrapped in deviancy. Tool takes us down the path of perversion that only escalates and is never satisfied. "Eulogy" is a tribute to an unknown hero of the band. "Forty Six and 2" deals with Jungian ideas of self-discovery and exploration (" My shadow. Change is coming through my shadow. My shadow's shedding skin. I've been picking my scabs again.")

My favorite Tool song is the title track "Aenema". If you've ever wondered what Tool thinks of Los Angeles, shallow people, materialism, Scientology and hypocrisy, you've never listened to this masterpiece....

Aenema by Tool

Some say the end is near. Some say well see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA

The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.

Any fucking time. any fucking day.

Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and

Fret for your lawsuit and

Fret for your hairpiece and

Fret for your prozac and

Fret for your pilot and

Fret for your cable and

Fret for your car.


Its a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA

The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.

Any fucking time. any fucking day.

Learn to swim, Ill see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.

Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.

Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.


Some say the end is near.
Some say well see Armageddon soon.

I certainly hope we will cuz

I sure could use a vacation from this Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Moms gonna fix it all soon.

Moms comin round to put it back the way it ought to be.


Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and

Fuck all his clones.

Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and

Fuck your short memory.


Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands

With hidden agendas.

Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.


Learn to swim.
Cuz I'm praying for rain

And I'm praying for tidal waves

I wanna see the ground give way.

I wanna watch it all go down.


Mom please flush it all away.

I wanna watch it go right in and down.

I wanna watch it go right in.

Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.


Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.


I can't imagine why you wouldn't

Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down


Here the lyrics do not convey the experience of the song. The drums and rhythm changes, the guitar as an accent around the center bassline. The voice as much an instrument as a lead.

Kids, this is a great fucking song.

Record contract disputes tied the band up for five years and was ended with the release of "Laterus". A great album but the weakest of the lineup, it was the first album to get wide radio play with the infectious bassline in "Schism".

It is a great album but it took me awhile to love it. I was afraid that Maynard's side project Perfect Circle was distracting the band. I was afraid they were not experimenting. I was afraid they were writing songs and not albums anymore.

All fears were destroyed with the latest release, "10,000 days". I cannot stop listening to this album. It not only brings back the full album experience, it takes the band into new territory. Lyrically one of their most complete releases, it has the engulfing sound to go with it. It is tied with "Undertow" as the second greatest release by the band.

Don't make the mistake of dismissing Tool if you don't normally listen to heavy music. Tool is as much a heavy metal band as Pink Floyd is Classic Rock. We know Floyd is more than Classic Rock and Tool is much more than heavy metal.

Take the time to listen. Don't own Aenema yet? Go buy it then email and thank me.

If you don't think Tool deserves the number two ranking, go find me a band that has more members listed in everyone else's influence list. Drummers site Danny Carey, bassists site d'Amour and Justin Chancellor, Guitarists site Jones and everyone admires Keenan. They have done more in five albums than any other band.... except one.

Radiohead is the most important band and gets the number one spot. Stay tuned for their post.

Here is our final list...

1) Radiohead
2) Tool
3) Beck
4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Google
That's the end... go archiving you blogging FOOL!

 

 


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