*The collective human experience

*We want

*You

*Of all time

*I then revealed

*Check your ticket

*I give you the gift

*Harvesting the valley

*Island in a drained ocean

*Behind the books


1. I ask you to do one effing thing
2. Did you?
3. The socks betray him
4. There will be none of that
5. Leave notes in his shirt pocket
6. Trained in the gentle art
7. Put me in coach
8. Our species may, in fact, survive
9.Swarm Swarm
10.During the wooing
11.BUT not private enough
12.The bottomless appetite
13.The first time we forget
14.This is a nice litmus test
15.To get the ball rolling
16.She invited you back to her place for coffee
17.Mary Magdalene or Eva Braun
18.It will only smell and make you queasy


   Saturday, July 08, 2006

Midgets are funny too

In the previous post, many of you nominated your candidates for the Top Ten Most Useless Celebrities list. Now I begin to cull this list down to just ten.

Here are the 37 made the final nominee list

Ann Coulter [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Clay Aiken [dan]
David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

We begin by dropping this down to 20 names. I've received dozens of emails asking what criteria I will use to finalize this list. Though the actual process is, at the moment, patent-pending, I will give you some insight.

This list is unique for all the nominees could make the final list. How will I decide the first 17 to be dropped from the list? The first 17 will be those that are LESS useless than the 20 that will remain.

For staters, I am dropping all politicians and pundits:

Ann Coulter [cyrus]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]

Ann gives red-state boys over 50 someone to think about after they take their viagra and mount their 50ish wives.

Speaking of viagra, Rush did lead the conservative radio revolution and kept more than a few pharmacies in South Florida in business. We can call George many things (wait to you read a post I have in draft now) but Useless is not one of them. Tough label for the leader of the free world (like'em or not).

Next I cut those on the list with some talent that have made contributions to their craft

David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]

Sorry, allison, David may now be the cranked Paula on the "America is Talented" show but he will forever be the Knight Rider - Friggin' Knight Rider, for the love of puppies. This elevates him forever above the useless bar. Kid Rock filled Pamela's void for a time and plays all of his own instruments, writes and records his own music. "Cowboy" is a good tune and gets him dropped.

Michael Jackson... one word... Thriller. As his face melts off and his collection of male Bratz dolls grows, he still churned out Thriller which will always be one of the biggest albums of all time. Owen Wilson was actually good in "Behind Enemy Lines". Tom reminds us that relaxation=good and cults=bad. Jessica has a beautiful set of.... lungs. Ashlee is the only reason Saturday Night Live was funny in the last decade.

Here is the final batch to be dropped as less useless

Clay Aiken [dan]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]

Without Clay, all of my Internet Chat Closet Mo friends won't have anyone to IM fisting scenarios back-and-forth with. JLo is the reason Puerto Rico is still not a state.

The Olsen Twins are almost old enough to finally ask the question all us boys have been asking for 14 years....

How hot will they be when they grow up? (and does me asking this make me a pedophile? where are my Full House second season DVDs?)

Johnny gets dropped for Jackass the Movie (There are some real laughs in that circus... plus he thinks midgets are funny too). Anna thinks she can play poker and is nice dead money for my poker brothers. Shannon Elizabeth has given me more than one stiff... belly laugh.

Here are the ones left. 20 remain, we go down to 10 in the next few days. I don't look forward to deciding which of these are less useless than the others.

Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

Stay Tuned

there are 6 doodles

At 12:06 AM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

You must have missed TLC's series "Little People, Big World". If you had watched it you would know that people with that condition hate to be called midgets. You are one cruel bastard. Heh Heh Heh.

I still say K-Fed tops them all and that Katie Holmes should not be on the list. C'mon, have you seen Sam Raimi's very underated and underappreciated film "The Gift"? If so, you would know Katie actually has a bit of talent and nice, um, baby feeding devices.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Kira said...

Ok, I see the logic there. I still think Paris Hilton has to be in the top 5 if not the number one most useless celeb. She wouldn't BE a celeb without the family money, period. And she's ugly in that "my god, which type of VD would you like today?" type of way in her appearance. Brrr.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Cherry Moon said...

LOLOLOL!!!! I have to go with Kira on this one. Paris Hilton... annnnnd why?

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

Hey Hof, I just posted some lyrics to a song that I think you will appreciate. You and A* will actually appreciate it...at least I think so. Audra and I did.

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger VegasGustan said...

Postal Service, in my opinion, is even better than Death Cab...but last word is they are not going to do anything new anymore. Oh well, all good things...

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger A* said...

Oh Postal Service is AMAZING :)

HUGE FAN thanks to Hof

 

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