..and not to pull your halo down

too cool....

2007-03-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

It might be too cool....

the last 20 seconds

2007-03-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

Go ahead and ask me why I spent a whole post explaining my love for Dook.

...or you can read about the last 20 seconds of today's game.

Prick bastards. We kicked your asses twice anyway.

Bastards.

Mark loses faith

2007-03-01T10:46:00.000-05:00

I was flooded with emails for more on Mark Roberts, the local traffic guy here in Raleigh. Your uncle Hof loves you so here you go....

I call this "Mark loses faith in Jamie"

every day-no problem

2007-02-28T20:13:00.000-05:00

I grew up in Syracuse NY. We use to travel Route 11 all the time near Oswego. A certain blogger who doesn't post enough sent me this picture from a few days ago.

Ask me if I miss that.

I'll take North Carolina.... all day, every day-no problem (thanks Kat Williams)

what his career has become

2007-02-28T06:34:00.000-05:00

I don't claim to have the greatest job. I have a good job, though. Pays well, challenges me enough, allows me to exploit my creativity and talents.

My work also comes with a certain amount of respect. People respect you when you can stand in front of three thousand people and teach a seminar on how the stock market works.

Which brings me to Mark Roberts.

He is the "on time" traffic guy here in Raleigh. Many times between 6am and 7am he comes on, shows us shots from pole-mounted cameras and talks about the headlights and wrecks.

A* and I have become strangely fascinated by him. Its not his bizarre voice (sounds like an effeminate auctioneer with a permanent sinus infection). Its not his "off the cuff" comments like "that is the old golf course which use to be a golf course".

Nope.

I think its the whole idea. He gets up every morning, goes to work and is on camera half a dozen times... to say nothing of value. No journalistic muscles flexed. The only pressure is to somehow say something different at 6:20am than he said at 6:10am when nothing has changed.

Does he get excited about going to work?

Does he obsess about making it interesting today vs. yesterday?

Does he have standards for himself?

...or does he hate what his life and what his career has become?

No matter, though. We love him.

What happens

2007-02-26T08:25:00.000-05:00

Here is what happens when my brothers drink.

Yes... the camera man and the slapped are my younger brothers.

...he claims he still does not have 100% hearing in his left ear.

Jenkins is The Man

2007-02-13T13:15:00.000-05:00

I am a geek. I play video games. I love multiplayer strategy games online.

I thought I was bad until I saw this...these boys are something else.

And Leroy Jenkins is The Man.

When did I drink the Kool-Aid?

2007-02-03T07:23:00.000-05:00

I consider myself a thinker. I am rational. I am intellectual and not a slave to my emotions.

Of course, none of the above will be true this Wednesday.

Carolina plays Duke for the first time this season in a few days. At 7pm on Wednesday I will become an emotional wreck. I will scream. I will commiserate. I will stress the f*ck out... even if we are up twenty points.

How? How did it happen? When did it all change? I am a loving and open-hearted man but I harbor real hate for the Duke basketball team. Real hate. When we thought the Duke Lacrosse team were rapists with sticks I still hated the basketball team more.

Sometimes I can take a step back and look at it rationally. I can acknowledge that Couch K is a great coach. I can tip my hat to a small school that has become a Division One powerhouse. It does not last long, though. Soon afterwards I regress back to the dark place where I know, in my heart, that Couch K eats baby feet for his pre-game meal.

You see five kids hit the court in the dark blue. I see five bastard children of puppy-blood drinking whores. I see five kids hit the court in sky blue. I see five golden boys who read Socrates after working all day at the homeless shelter where they healed the lepers with a touch.

Mike Krzyzewski has something to do with the death of one of your loved ones. Roy Williams personally escorts our relatives to Heaven when they die. I know this.

Driving to get coffee this morning I asked myself when this all manifested itself in me. When did I drink the Kool-Aid? I didn't hate Duke when I was in High School. I didn't hate them after I got my acceptance letter. I don't think I hated them my freshmen year at Carolina.

I sure as hell hate them now. I mean hate... as in Hate. Hate.

i no this is well in advance

2007-01-31T07:08:00.000-05:00

I do not stand before you claiming to be a spelling and grammar ninja.

I do stand before you with a heavy heart.

I read several different forums for my many hobbies. I may have to give them up completely, though. The murder of the English language is going to happen. I'm not required to watch the public beheading, am I?

I read posts and comments on these boards and am astonished. I am not talking about common mistakes (There use of words is poor their and in other places_.

I am not talking about the VERY annoying laziness-inspired abuse of internet short hand (How R U 2day).

Nope. I am talking about the following (real examples, BTW)

"it gives a 5+ save in hth without restrikting you to one weapon"

If you've read one book you cannot think restricting looks right with a k.

" i'd like your opinion as to witch one would be most cost effective ?"

I find Warlocks far more cost effective.

"i tough it was pretty explicit but thanks for putting it better."

Kill me now.

...and my personal recent favorite:

"Iv had an idear for a diormer i would love to do for next years UK GD i no this is well in advance and if im honist it has to be."

My mailman is

2007-01-23T05:58:00.000-05:00

So... you thought only one person had the worst taste in men?

You were wrong.

A* is not alone in her lack of judgment for the brawnier gender.

I was once married in a time when parents left, cats marked, jobs started and long buried reality surfaced.

No, she is not buried under my old tool shed.

My mailman is.

Nope, she is buried up in Boston.

By buried, I mean blogging.

By Boston, I mean... um.... well, Boston.

Check out the woman slow enough to marry me and smart enough to no longer be.

I want you all to meet her. She's the best ex-wife a man can have and one hell of a scribe.

I'm selling out quickly

2007-01-03T07:28:00.000-05:00

I am the road warrior.

There are times in my career that I travel on a weekly basis. Now is that time. In December I was in South Florida, Atlanta and DC. This month I will be in Dallas, San Diego and Seattle.

February takes me to Orlando and NYC. March has me in Denver, Houston, San Fran and Los Angeles.

Great for the frequent flier account.

Tough on the frequently sleeping in the same bed as A* account.

This traveling is tough but, all things considered, all is well.

This is the first time A* has EVER lived with a mate. It is the first time for me in a very long time. We live together so well. We have the same cleanliness tolerance (which is huge). We are both good about keeping the communication lanes open for business. We are in love even after months of cohabitation and the challenge of finding her a job.

Despite the challenges and pressure on the bank accounts, I've never been happier.

The Hofzinser Tour 2007 hits the road tomorrow; first stop Dallas. Make sure you get your tickets early, I'm selling out quickly!

Keep them busy

2006-11-08T08:48:00.000-05:00

It looks like the 'Crats are going to have control of the congress after everything gets counted.

Be prepared for blue-colored scandals to arise. Whichever party is in power is the party with the most screw-ups. Don't think everything will get better (or worse) with the change.

I only hope the scandals continue. I only hope the distractions for everyone in the beltway continue. The more distractions, the less chance they will get anything done. The less government does the better off we are.

The founding papas understood that effective government is a dangerous thing. Separation of powers, checks and balances and spreading the power over as many bodies as possible is our safeguard against them doing something... anything.

Once of the biggest crimes of the 'Publicans in the last decade is their stray from true conservative values. The Terry Vegi Deathbed was culmination of this. You want more state and less federal power. Spread it out so nobody can do anything.

Lets hope the 'Crats repeal the perscription drug mess the 'Publicans let through. Lets hope the 'Publicans get nasty and dig up everything they can on the 'Crats. Lets hope the 'Crats don't stop digging up bones on the Reds. I want them all to have meetings about how to get the other side. I want meetings on damage control. I want meetings on image and messages.

I don't want meetings on policy, new bills or ideas. Please, no meetings on anything allowing federal power expansion. No new taxes? That would be great. No new laws.... that would be even better.

Do you...

2006-11-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

...miss me?

Should I come back?

Did I mention?

2006-08-11T08:16:00.000-04:00

For staters, I don't expect to post much in the near future.

A* moves down next week and much must be done before then.

I am extending a LARGE Kudos to Vegasgustan. He alerted me to the updated Tool tour dates. I got tickets for the DC show on Sept 30th.

A* and I are buying he and his wife dinner when we come to Vegas in November.

Did I mention we are going to see Tool?

Not be so bad anymore

2006-07-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

Want to know a few good things about cancer?

There is nobody to blame for it coming. It just comes and takes what it wants.

You know there is nothing the person you love can do different to suddenly recover and come back from cancer. They have to wait and hope forces outside them can make them better.... they can't make themselves better by changing the choices they are making in their lives. They are blameless and just as helpless as you feel.

You never feel anger at them for getting cancer. You feel sad, you feel helpless and you feel unbelievable emptiness when they go. You never feel angry that they let themselves get cancer.... you never blame them.

You know how the cancer story ends. You don't spend hours trying to figure out what would happen if the one you love does "A" if they will get better. What if they do "B"? Will they get better? You never find yourself coming up with plans A through Z and none of them seem to end well. With cancer it does not end well BUT you never get your hopes up by spending hours coming up with plans A through Z.

I lost my mother to cancer and never thought I would feel it was not the hardest way to lose someone. When I lost her, I thought it was the worst. In the last decade I've learned it is not the worst way to lose someone.

I'm finding cancer to not be so bad anymore. There are much worse ways to lose the ones you love... right in front of your very eyes.

He fights Nazis too

2006-07-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

In my post yesterday I asked about masculinity. The comments by some of you really revealed some interesting information. The great Andy mentioned an example of the truly masculine; Indiana Jones.

He jogged my memory with his comment. I took a Men's Studies class in college and we were assigned a paper. We had to write about someone in the public eye that embodied the New Man. A person that was masculine. Not emasculated, not feminized yet not a meat-head caveman.

I got an A and my paper was shared with the class. Who did I think embodied the new Man? You guessed it... Indiana Jones.

He was strong. He was handsome. He was intellectual. He was sexual. He had paternal and protector instincts. He had vulnerability but did not cripple himself by trying to hide it. He showed a soft side and was capable of emotion and sensitivity without compromising his masculinity.

Is this character the ultimate example of modern masculinity? If not, who is? Real or fictional, who embodies what you think of as masculine? If its not Indiana Jones, then tell us... it helps if he fights Nazis too (nothing more masculine than fighting Nazis!)

How do you measure

2006-07-12T12:00:00.000-04:00

Question for my man-loving readers to answer....

How important is a man's masculinity when deciding if he is attractive? How do you measure a man's masculinity? What makes a man masculine to you? What is masculinity?

Speak up!

The hacks

2006-07-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

Who can tell me why, as of recent, all of the good writers are writing TV...

...and all the rest, the hacks, are writing movies?

Midgets are funny too

2006-07-08T05:40:00.000-04:00

In the previous post, many of you nominated your candidates for the Top Ten Most Useless Celebrities list. Now I begin to cull this list down to just ten.

Here are the 37 made the final nominee list

Ann Coulter [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Clay Aiken [dan]
David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

We begin by dropping this down to 20 names. I've received dozens of emails asking what criteria I will use to finalize this list. Though the actual process is, at the moment, patent-pending, I will give you some insight.

This list is unique for all the nominees could make the final list. How will I decide the first 17 to be dropped from the list? The first 17 will be those that are LESS useless than the 20 that will remain.

For staters, I am dropping all politicians and pundits:

Ann Coulter [cyrus]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]

Ann gives red-state boys over 50 someone to think about after they take their viagra and mount their 50ish wives.

Speaking of viagra, Rush did lead the conservative radio revolution and kept more than a few pharmacies in South Florida in business. We can call George many things (wait to you read a post I have in draft now) but Useless is not one of them. Tough label for the leader of the free world (like'em or not).

Next I cut those on the list with some talent that have made contributions to their craft

David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]

Sorry, allison, David may now be the cranked Paula on the "America is Talented" show but he will forever be the Knight Rider - Friggin' Knight Rider, for the love of puppies. This elevates him forever above the useless bar. Kid Rock filled Pamela's void for a time and plays all of his own instruments, writes and records his own music. "Cowboy" is a good tune and gets him dropped.

Michael Jackson... one word... Thriller. As his face melts off and his collection of male Bratz dolls grows, he still churned out Thriller which will always be one of the biggest albums of all time. Owen Wilson was actually good in "Behind Enemy Lines". Tom reminds us that relaxation=good and cults=bad. Jessica has a beautiful set of.... lungs. Ashlee is the only reason Saturday Night Live was funny in the last decade.

Here is the final batch to be dropped as less useless

Clay Aiken [dan]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]

Without Clay, all of my Internet Chat Closet Mo friends won't have anyone to IM fisting scenarios back-and-forth with. JLo is the reason Puerto Rico is still not a state.

The Olsen Twins are almost old enough to finally ask the question all us boys have been asking for 14 years....

How hot will they be when they grow up? (and does me asking this make me a pedophile? where are my Full House second season DVDs?)

Johnny gets dropped for Jackass the Movie (There are some real laughs in that circus... plus he thinks midgets are funny too). Anna thinks she can play poker and is nice dead money for my poker brothers. Shannon Elizabeth has given me more than one stiff... belly laugh.

Here are the ones left. 20 remain, we go down to 10 in the next few days. I don't look forward to deciding which of these are less useless than the others.

Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

Stay Tuned

The collective human experience

2006-06-30T06:17:00.000-04:00

Wow... I asked and I got my answer. After sifting through the hundreds of email suggestions for the next Top Ten List it was obvious you want me to rank...

The Top Ten Most Useless Celebrities

Now I need your nominations. Who is famous yet has no talent, no purpose and does nothing to further the collective human experience? Put your nominations as a doodle comment to this thread.

Get your snark on and tell everyone who YOU think are the Most Useless Celebrities!

Nominees So Far

Ann Coulter [cyrus]
Anna Benson [mo]
Ashlee Simpson [vegasgustan]
Ashton Kutcher [cyrus]
Beyonce [cyrus]
Carson Daly [cyrus]
Clay Aiken [dan]
David Hasselhoff [Allison]
Denise Richards [dan]
Entire Cast of Laguna Beach [dan]
George W. Bush [cyrus]
Hillary Duff [cyrus]
Jennifer Lopez [dan]
Jennifer Love Hewitt [dan]
Jessica Simpson [dan]
Johnny Knoxville [mo]
Katie Holmes [dan]
Kelly Osborne [dan]
Kevin Federline [dan]
Kid Rock [cyrus]
Lindsay Lohan [dan]
Michael Jackson [dan]
Mischa Barton [dan]
Nick Lache [dan]
Nicole Richie [a*]
Olsen Twins [dan]
Owen Wilson [dan]
Paris Hilton [melina]
Rush Limbaugh [cyrus]
Ryan Seacrest [dan]
Shannon Elizabeth [melina]
Sharon Stone [dan]
Sienna Miller [dan]
Star Jones [a*]
Tara Reid [melina]
Tom Cruise [melina]
Tori Spelling [melina]

*the nomination process will remain open for the weekend. submit all nominations before Tuesday, July 4th*

We want

2006-06-28T08:27:00.000-04:00

Ok kids.... I dropping my last Top Ten idea (for worst blockbusters)... just not interesting enough to keep my attention.

Which of these would you like to see for the next Top Ten?

Top Ten Worst Movies that we love to watch

Top Ten Useless Celeberties

Top Ten TV shows (still releasing new episodes)

Top Ten Celebs we know are still in the closet (even if they don't know)

Top Ten Biopic we want to see - so someone needs to make them (alla Ray and Circle of Fire)

You

2006-06-27T06:13:00.000-04:00

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I love and miss you, A*)

Of all time

2006-06-24T06:50:00.000-04:00

Time to start another Top Ten List....

This one should be interesting...

Top 10 Worst Blockbuster Movies

To qualify the film must of grossed over $125 million (US only)

I need you to nominate the movies you think are the worst blockbusters of all time.

Not sure if your potential nominee grossed over $125?

Look it up at IMDB.com. When you find your movie look on the left tool bar, under OTHER you will find Box Office and Business.

This will give you the most recent GROSS in the USA. You only need that number to be over $125 million.

Drop your nominees as a comment and stay tuned!

Current Nominee List
Da Vinci Code (Hofzinser) – 2006, $144,918,409
Godzilla (Hofzinser) – 1998, $136,023,813
Star Wars: Episode I the Phantom Menace (Hofzinser) – 1999, $431,065,444
War of the Worlds (Hofzinser) – 2005, $234,280,354

I then revealed

2006-06-24T05:17:00.000-04:00

It all started one night when Mr. Drinker and I were talking about music (which is bound to happen when he and I are having beers). We wondered who were the most important musical artists in recent times. We decided the artist must have their debut album out in 1990 or later to qualify.

From there I turned to you, my readers, to generate the list of nominees

Worthy of Inclusion

I then began to make cuts to the list

Nothing New to their Craft

The Carnage Continues

The Last of the Carnage

I then revealed the Top Ten one artist at a time. Each link will take you to their featured post.

10. Pantera

9. Eminem

8. Tori Amos

7. Smashing Pumpkins

6. Rage Against the Machine

5. Ani DiFranco

4. Dave Mathews

3. Beck

2. Tool

1. Radiohead

Check your ticket

2006-06-23T05:56:00.000-04:00

Here is one to chew on....

Circumstances and a series of events can put you in a bad place. It is up to you to choose how long you will stay there.

You can blame the outside for dropping you off at that bus stop but only you can decide if you're staying or getting on the next bus out.

You can't blame the bus that dropped you off for keeping you off the next one.

Uncle Hof says check your ticket, forget about how you got there and make sure you don't miss the next bus.

I give you the gift

2006-06-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

I already talked about "10,000 days" in my Tool entry for the top-ten list.

Listened to it AGAIN last night.

Mutherfukka... it is a great album. "The Pot" is officially one of the top five Tool songs ever.

For you few readers that still don't own a Tool album, here is the Official Hof Tool Album Buying Guide.

Buy your Tool in this order. Get one, listen listen listen listen again, fall in love, listen more then buy the next one on the list. Buy, Listen, Rinse, Repeat.

1. Aenima
2. Undertow
3. 10,000 Days
4. Laterus
5. Opiate

Still need more? Get the first two albums by Perfect Circle. They are Maynard's other project.

I give you the gift of Tool because NOBODY loves you like your Uncle Hof.

(BTW, the note from Tool above was in every altered Undertow CD)

Harvesting the valley

2006-06-21T08:07:00.000-04:00

The great modern philosopher, Chris Rock, once noted the following:

Whenever l meet a girl that doesn't give head... I look at them like a damn Betamax, "They still make you?"

And when it comes to head, there's three types of women:

A: Women that don't give head. Bye, leave, see you.

B: Women that give you just enough head to shut you up. You ever meet them women? After a minute they're like, "You okay?" I hate them women!

And number three, my favorite woman: the woman that likes nothing better than to suck a dick. That's right, God bless all of you! That's right, you make the world a better place to live in. I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote's in it! Like you trying to get some Robitussin out of that motherfucker!

This leads me to the obvious question... Dear readers... all of you, which category do you fall in?

Where do you stand on giving head? (I am including straight men and gay women... harvesting the valley is still giving head)

Do you refuse to give? If so, why?

Do you do just enough to shut your partner up? If so, why?

Do you LOVE to give head? If so, why?

Comment it UP, beeat-ches!

Island in a drained ocean

2006-06-20T07:22:00.000-04:00

In 1986 Thom York, Johnny Greenwood, Ed O'Brien, Colin Greenwood and Phil Selway decided to take their school friendship and transform it into a musical marriage. History was made and little did they know twenty years later they would win the coveted number one spot on Halo's Most Important Musical Artist (with a first album released in/after 1990) list.

I welcome Radiohead to the number one spot.

After six years they finally released their first single, "Creep". It remains their most widely known single. Unlike many mega-hits, it deserves the popularity:

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eyes
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very'special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door ...
She's running out
she's run, run, run, run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

It is tough to grasp exactly what is going on in the song. Does he really think she is special or is the entire rant seeped in sarcasm? If you've never heard the acoustic version (just York and a guitar) or if you never saw the animation that was built around it, click here.

It could of all stopped there but "Creep" became the anchor to their first album "Pablo Honey". Honey is simple, popish and infectious. "Anyone Can Play Guitar", also on Honey, was the preview of what would come. It was layered, it was energetic and it proves to be the preview of coming attractions.

There is no artist in modern music that is listened to more by other musicians. No artist has shown the evolution of sound and subject from album to album. No artist puts out albums that can be listened to over and over allowing you to absorb new aspects, new sounds and new layers.

After declaring (and even releasing a song titled) "Pop is Dead", Radiohead took a right turn and released their second album, "The Bends". Production of the album happened under the weight of the success of Honey and Creep. Some artists follow up with a similar sound to a hit release to ride the wave. Radiohead gave their first album the finger and put out a sound that nobody was ready for.

The Bends took the legacy of Floyd, King Crimson and Blind Faith and painted a musical oil on canvas. Each song seems to be a bookend. Each track wraps up the one before it only to end as a lead in to the next track. "High and Dry" got the most play yet it refused to be a pop single...

I don't claim to know what song is about but imagine it is York writing about Radiohead after its initial success. Imagine the song born under the pressure of "Creep". Imagine Radiohead scolding Radiohead....

High and Dry by Radiohead

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

The music retards (read: music critics) immediately pushed Radiohead into the One Hit Wonder box. They wanted to hear Pablo II and often missed the sophomore release as the first real Radiohead album.

They were silenced when their greatest record, "OK Computer" hit the shelves. Rolling Stone recently declared it the "Greatest Rock Album of All Time". Is it? I could be. Like Floyd's "The Wall" it weaves a story yet each track stands on its own. Computer also premiered Radiohead's willingness to bring ambient noise to the party and allow it to mingle and work the room. Computer showed the world that a song defines itself, a song decides what is an instrument and a song is bigger than the sum of its parts.

One of the tracks, "Subterranean Homesick Alien" not only nods to Dylan in its title it shows how a good lyric can speak to a common experience without being common, without being trite or typical.

Subterranean Homesick Alien by Radiohead

The breath of the morning
I keep forgetting
The smell of the warm summer air

I live in a town
Where you can't smell a thing
You watch your feet
For cracks in the pavement

Up above
Aliens hover
Making home movies
For the folks back home

Of all these weird creatures
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in themselves
And live for their secrets

They're all uptight
Uptight..

I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship
Show me the world as I'd love to see it

I'd tell all my friends
But they'd never believe
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely

I'd show them the stars
And the meaning of life
They'd shut me away
But I'd be all right
All right..

I'm just uptight
Uptight..

Since Computer, Radiohead has refused to acknowledge their musical environment. They've remained an island in a drained ocean. Each record that followed took a Darwinian step towards new ground. Each album stands on its own, is irreverent to its predecessor yet somehow is still a Radiohead sound.

Radiohead does not set new standards like Beck. Radiohead does not break and piss on their genre like Tool. Radiohead is Radiohead and only they define what that means.

Only Radiohead could top this list.

The Most Important Artists (with a debut album released in/after 1990)

1) Radiohead
2) Tool
3) Beck
4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Behind the books

2006-06-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

"It has to be somewhere!"

He hears the door jam of the front door giving way under the pressure. Whatever is trying to get in would; soon.

He pulls out each drawer of his dresser and dumps them. As the pile of boxers, socks and t-shirts grow the gun remains missing.

"What the FUCK!?!", he screams.

He hears the cracking downstairs. He has to find the gun before the non-model extra-cost upgrade door gives up. Kicking the pile of clothes he sets his head on a swivel. He imagines lasers shooting from his eyes scanning the room like Superman with X-ray vision.

Under the bed? No. Lamp table? No. Behind the books?

It sounds like breaking bones as the wood around the door splinters into a shower of toothpicks and wooden shrapnel.

He smells its breath from upstairs.

It has be behind the books.

It has to be.

Keeping the conflicts

2006-06-17T16:35:00.000-04:00

Just saw the first 4 episodes of The 4400 (thanks, Netflix!)

Season one and only a few episodes in and so far, so good.

Decent character depth. Nice premise. Good pace of revelations (unlike Lost).

Writers are keeping the conflicts engaging and pushing the characters (the way talented storytellers should).

I will have a full review of Season One once I get the other disks in the mail and digested.

I bet you can't FRIGGIN' wait.

Hof has spoken.

Such an egomanic

2006-06-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

Here is a question....

Am I hetrosexual because I like women so much...

or

because I am such an egomanic that I only like my penis?

You fear he has forgotten

2006-06-09T18:05:00.000-04:00

I just finished a brilliant book.... American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I knew Gaiman from his stint as the prolific writer of the DC Comic title, Sandman. He proved, as a comic writer, that the sequential art can be more than just tights and capes.

In Sandman he took us to places we never imagined and had us look back on the world, from this new viewpoint, to see it was not quite what we thought it was.

Who knew he would also prove to be an innovative novelist. Unlike the story-belching unplanned scrit of Stephen King, Gaiman gives us a chilling story that in complete. He gives us real characters that are fantastical yet grounded. He introduces us to Gods that seem as real as our neighbors. He offers up a protagonist in Shadow that we never understand yet root for until the end.

A story of betrayal, a celestial con, clashes of old and new all centered on a man whose first gift after leaving prison is to find his wife died... in the coital of another man.

If you are ready for a story you've never come across before told by someone who, unlike King, uses details to push us forward (not to fill the page). There is a great subplot that proves quite the mystery. Once you fear he has forgotten the great side story, he springs the resolution on us when we least expect it.

It won the 2002 Hugo, Nebula and Bram Stoker awards, all for Best Novel. It was also nominated for Best Novel in the 2002 BSFA Award.

I loved the characters and devoured the writing. He spent a long time designing and executing this novel... and it shows.

My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.

2006-06-01T06:49:00.000-04:00

When people describe a hard rock band they rarely use the word "intelligent". It is even more rare to not hear that word when describing the band that comes in at number two in our rankings. Tool is welcomed as the second most important band with a debut album released in or after 1990.

In 1990 an unknown drummer, Danny Carey, arrived at his vocalist neighbor Maynard Keenan's house to jam. Guitarist Adam Jones and bassist Paul d'Amour where already there. The rest is history.

The path to their sound is interesting. Whenever you first listened to Tool you immediately threw them in the hard/heavy metal category. When you keep listening you realize they are more than followers of Led Zeppelin. What other heavy metal bands owe much of their sound to bands like King Crimson, early Yes, Rush and even Pink Floyd?

What heavy metal bands have songs about religion, transcendence, Junian psychology, evolution and the reality separation of current society? What heavy metal bands with less than two decades of music and only five or so albums have had the impact of Tool? Each member is considered the premier musician for their instrament. Each so innovative and each so ahead of their peers that they create a sound that forms an experience.

Tool is innovative. Tool is as wide as it is deep. Tool is engulfing. Tool is intelligent.

Their first release was an EP called "Opiate". This exposed the raw center of the band. Its hard, it rages yet the songs are not what you are use to hearing coupled with the themes. "Hush" deals with conformity and censorship ("I can't say what I want to, Even if I'm not serious."). "Part of Me" takes the theme of the Police's "Every Breath You Take" up a notch by taking us into the mind of an obsessor (" You can't speak, you don't judge. You can't leave. You can't hurt me. You're just here for me to use").

The title track "Opiate" is the star of the album. Tool turns the mirror on organized religion and pulls no punches....

Opiate by Tool

Choices always were a problem for you.
What you need is someone strong to guide you.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,
What you need is someone strong to use you..
Like me, Like me.

If you want to get your soul to heaven, Trust in me .
Don't judge or question. You are broken now,
But faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow.
Let me lay my holy hand upon you.
My gods will Becomes me.
When he speaks out,
He speaks through me.
He has needs Like I do.

We both want To rape you.

Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life.
Open my eyes and blind me with your light And your lies.

Their debut album spread locally in Los Angeles but national recognition would come a year later (1993) when they released their first full album, "Undertow". Like the albums to follow, "Undertow" is not a collection of singles; it is a complete album as much as any King Crimson or Pink Floyd record.

It is an album of cycles. The cycle of substance abuse (Sober), hate (Intolerance), sex (4 Degrees) and, most notably, the nasty never ending cycle of pedophilia (Prison Sex).

When you first hear "Prison Sex" you think it is fresh from the mind of a pedophile. After a few more reviews you realize the attacker was once a victim himself...

Prison Sex by Tool

It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young, vestal then, you know it hurt me.
But I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
Even the signs seemed to tell me otherwise.

Got my hands down, and my head down,
And my eyes closed, my throats wide open.
I do unto others what has been done to me.
Do unto others what has been done to you.

I'm treading water. I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.
Won't you, won't you come a bit closer.
Close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I cant stand to burn too long.
Release in sodomy. the one sweet moment I'm whole.

I do unto you now what has been to me.
I do unto you now, what has been done.
You're breathing so I guess you're still alive.
Even the signs seem to tell me otherwise.

Won't you, won't you come on up closer.
Close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.
Relief in sodomy.
have you witnessed that blood and flesh can be trusted.
Have you witnessed the blood and, this cant be trusted.

Only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.
Got your hands bound, and your head down,
And your eyes closed, you look so precious now.

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this.
Shit, blood, and cum on my hands.

I've come round full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.
you look so precious. You look so precious now...

I dare you to find me a song with this complexity and thought. It is raw, it is powerful, it is offensive and it is honest. Real fucking honest.

What I believe is their greatest album came next. "Aenema" solidified Tool as this generation's Pink Floyd. Each song is tied to the next. Each song stands as a masterpiece that transcends any musical category.

The opening track "Stinkfist" takes on the idea of sexual self discovery wrapped in deviancy. Tool takes us down the path of perversion that only escalates and is never satisfied. "Eulogy" is a tribute to an unknown hero of the band. "Forty Six and 2" deals with Jungian ideas of self-discovery and exploration (" My shadow. Change is coming through my shadow. My shadow's shedding skin. I've been picking my scabs again.")

My favorite Tool song is the title track "Aenema". If you've ever wondered what Tool thinks of Los Angeles, shallow people, materialism, Scientology and hypocrisy, you've never listened to this masterpiece....

Aenema by Tool

Some say the end is near. Some say well see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your cable and
Fret for your car.

Its a Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. any fucking day.
Learn to swim, Ill see you down in Arizona bay.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say well see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction, I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Moms gonna fix it all soon.
Moms comin round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.
Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.

Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.
Time to bring it down again.

Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.
I wanna see it all come down

Here the lyrics do not convey the experience of the song. The drums and rhythm changes, the guitar as an accent around the center bassline. The voice as much an instrument as a lead.

Kids, this is a great fucking song.

Record contract disputes tied the band up for five years and was ended with the release of "Laterus". A great album but the weakest of the lineup, it was the first album to get wide radio play with the infectious bassline in "Schism".

It is a great album but it took me awhile to love it. I was afraid that Maynard's side project Perfect Circle was distracting the band. I was afraid they were not experimenting. I was afraid they were writing songs and not albums anymore.

All fears were destroyed with the latest release, "10,000 days". I cannot stop listening to this album. It not only brings back the full album experience, it takes the band into new territory. Lyrically one of their most complete releases, it has the engulfing sound to go with it. It is tied with "Undertow" as the second greatest release by the band.

Don't make the mistake of dismissing Tool if you don't normally listen to heavy music. Tool is as much a heavy metal band as Pink Floyd is Classic Rock. We know Floyd is more than Classic Rock and Tool is much more than heavy metal.

Take the time to listen. Don't own Aenema yet? Go buy it then email and thank me.

If you don't think Tool deserves the number two ranking, go find me a band that has more members listed in everyone else's influence list. Drummers site Danny Carey, bassists site d'Amour and Justin Chancellor, Guitarists site Jones and everyone admires Keenan. They have done more in five albums than any other band.... except one.

Radiohead is the most important band and gets the number one spot. Stay tuned for their post.

Here is our final list...

1) Radiohead
2) Tool
3) Beck
4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Brown blood of courage

2006-05-31T07:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, kids... unlike lesser bloggers, I apologize not for my lack of posting. Never forget that without hunger you will never eat. I know when you are ready for me... and that time is now.

I am well settled here in North Carolina despite the rash of traveling work has demanded. The house is wonderful and starting to feel like home. A* has been down here twice. Last week we hung pictures together. That is when a house begins to feel like a home. Art is home.

I miss playing cards every Monday night at Scooby's with Mr. Boxer and the boys. I miss Miss Smile and her husband, Mr. Cooler (owners of Scooby's). I miss late-night gin for hundreds of dollars and the tab in the corner booth of the bar.

I love being in a place where...
... Neighbors introduce themselves.
... strangers wave.
... you don't have to lock your car doors.
... people say "thank you", "please" and "pardon me".
... the skies are Carolina Blue.
... Sister lives close by again.
... A* and I will start our lives together.
... my Sirius radio gets amazing reception.

Tool and Radiohead remain to be ranked and written about. I am embarrassed to say I am intimidated by these upcoming posts. I know the tributes they both deserve. I am not sure if I can live up to what they need. I want to wax eloquently while driving home how they are the two most influential bands in recent history.

I may have to dip into some scotch tonight and let the brown blood of courage give me a buzz that will lead to tributes.

What sound will be on the radio in 2008?

2006-05-11T06:17:00.000-04:00

Things are starting to settle down here in NC... time to continue (and finish up) our Top Ten Most Recent Important Artists (with a debut album released in 1990 or later).

Pulling up in third is an artist who truly has no fear. Over twenty years ago an artist rose out of Detroit and proved to not only set the bar for his peers... he started putting out albums that were years ahead of their time. If you wonder what popular music sounded like in 1987, you only need to listen to Purple Rain (released in 1984). If you wonder what popular music sounded like in 1994, you only need to listen to the Batman Soundtrack (released in 1989).

Prince has always been taking all that was done in the past and cooking it into music that would be what was played on the radio years later. Prince showed us that an artist can be so far ahead that at the time he sounds retro or just plain insane. I remember hearing the Batman Soundtrack for the first time and thinking, "what the hell is this crap". Little did I know all of pop music would sound like that album in the early nineties.

As Prince faded away in a sea of religion, lawsuits and left reality behind another artist came in with the same bravery. Another artist came on the scene that refused to play one style of music. Another artist came that sounded retro while actually setting the scene for what would be on the radio years after the album release. This artist is the Prince of his generation.

I welcome this artist to the number three spot in our Top Ten List. There is no doubt that Beck has been one of the most important artists in recent times.

Born the son of Scientologists, Beck Hansen grew up in Los Angeles under the screen of a musician father and an artist mother. His mother exposed him early to a wide palette of musical styles. One day playing jazz, another hip hop and yet another playing Latin beats, his mother started pouring in the ingredients that would ultimately become the puree of Beck.

All of his musical explorations have had a simple compass that made everything he did grounded. Beck is one hell of a song writer. Starting with strong lyrics, Beck had the foundation to frame-up any song....

Paper Tiger (by Beck)

Just like a paper tiger
Torn apart by idle hands
Through the helter skelter morning
Fix yourself while you still can
No more ashes to ashes
No more cinders from the sky
All the laws of creation
Tell a dead man how to die

O deserts down below us
And storms up above
Like a stray dog gone defective
Like a paper tiger in the sun

Looking through a broken diamond
To make the past what it should be
Through the ruins and the weather
Capsized boats in the sea

O deserts down below us
And storms up above
Like a stray dog gone defective
Like a paper tiger in the sun

WeÃ’re just holding on to nothing
To see how long nothing lasts

O deserts down below us
And storms up above
Like a stray dog gone defective
Like a paper tiger in the sun

This high-school drop out left home to travel and live in Germany and New York City. In those days he found punk and anti-folk and added them to his already full plate of influences. After returning to Los Angeles he started playing on the streets, in small clubs and coffee shops.

In 1993 a small label snatched him up and released a single that later would be his biggest hit... "Loser". Nobody heard "Loser" until Geffen picked him up and the song appeared on his first hit album, Mellow Gold. Any talk of one-hit wonder was silenced when he followed up with an even better album (Odelay) in 1996.

Since he has been ahead of the pack. Sea Changes hit the shelves years before male ballads in the crooner style were allowed back on the hit charts. His most recent album, Guero is a stunning tidal wave of sound and words. Do you wonder what sound will be on the radio in 2008? Listen to Guero. Beck already knows.

Here is the list so far:

3) Beck
4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

There are only two artists left to fill the number two and one spots.... Who has been more important than the other eight already on the list? Who has been more important than nine of them? Stay tuned to see who will be number one.... Tool or Radiohead.

Like its fierce

2006-05-08T09:01:00.000-04:00

I am here and alive. I will be back blogging like its fierce soon. I should have the #3 in our list up soon.

Stay tuned!

See you

2006-04-28T08:29:00.000-04:00

Going offline... butches and bitches.

See you in NC....

...where the next edition of The Halo will be published.

Make me this anxious

2006-04-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

I do not function well in transition.

Right now I don't live here in Florida. My life is in boxes and I am waiting for strangers in a big truck to pick up my life.

Right now I don't live in North Carolina. I don't have the keys, it is not my home.

I am amazed how anxious this makes me. I know it will all resolve itself but there are few things that make me this anxious.

Just play for the love of playing

2006-04-19T06:21:00.000-04:00

We are getting so close to the number one spot!

The artist that comes in at number four was introduced to me over a decade ago... by Phish! I went to a Phish show and this next artist was the opening act. As they finished their set they became the first opening act I did not want to stop playing. If Phish never came on stage I would of been happy. I bought their CD the next day and my love of...

The Dave Mathews Band

...began. This artist was an easy inclusion in the top ten most important musical artists (with a debut album out on or after 1990).

Dave was born and raised in South Africa but moved to Charlottesville, VA and soon after formed a band. Taking the mantle of the Dead, Phish and Blues Traveler they poured their time and energy into play live shows... a lot of live shows. Their infection of the music scene spread with their efforts.

As I waited for Phish to come on and the lights came up on DMB, it was immediately apparent they were different. They are a truly integrated band. A mix of race, musical instraments and sounds rise from this ensemble.

If DMB is anything, they are smart. Their music is tight and precise while still sounding like a backyard jam session. Dave's songs are woven with clever lyrics and unanticipated rhymes. More than anything, it is the underlying rhythm that makes them who they are.

Like Ani, Dave understands that it is how you play (as much as what you play) that matters. His African roots grew a tree with branches of jazz, Celtic folk, blues and even fifties pop. Like Ani, Dave has a charisma on stage. No chick is safe at a Dave concert. Don't want your wife/girlfriend or partner to have a crush on Dave? Don't ever take them to a show. Dave seems real. He seems kind. His love of the music only seems matched by his love for the fans.

His first studio album (Under The Table And Dreaming, 1994) took awhile to spread but it did end up in everyone's CD rack. Once The Best Of What's Around, What Would You Say and Typical Situation started getting radio play it all fell into place.

At first these songs seemed pop mixed with granola. The more you listened the more you heard. It does not take long to realize how deep his music is. One time you can focus on just the lyrics. Another time you can just listen to just the music. Each time you hear something new... something you missed.

He brought the singer/songwriter movement back to the scene. Without Dave, there would be no Meyers, Johnson, Folds or Blunt. He reminded us that it was OK to just play for the love of playing. It was OK to be a live band that happened to put out CDs. It was OK to carry on the spirit of the Grateful Dead without trying to sound like the Dead.

His summer tour dates are already out. Already seen Dave? Go again. Never seen him live... time to write down the dates in pen. There are few live experiences like his show. Just go.

Here is the list so far:

4) Dave Mathews
5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Only three artists left... only three spots left. One of these will be number one. Many have guessed... some will be surprised. Post your guess. How will

Beck
Radiohead
Tool

When she needs me

2006-04-18T21:14:00.000-04:00

My poor little angel is so sick. Go by and send her some love.

A*s Ninth Circle

Being hundreds of miles away from her when she needs me... effing sucks.

Writing mushy notes and passing them to her in class

2006-04-17T06:42:00.000-04:00

Go ahead and grab my hand as I lead you towards the end of our list. Numbers five through ten are set and there are only five more spots to go.

Before I can reveal the artist at number five, I have to cut one of the remaining artists. Needless to say, I do this with a heavy heart... The new number eleven, the last artist to get cut is...

Pavement

If the top ten somehow had eleven spots this would not of happened. The list of recent artists who owe their sound to this Cali band is extensive. If you are one of the many that has never listened to Pavement... get yourself off that list and order them off Amazon or iTunes. Trust your Uncle Hof.

Back to the countdown... The music industry is nothing more than a machine. Why is it so rare that a true and innovative artist makes it on the big scene these days? The machine is no longer fueled by talent. It is fueled and greased by suits with wallets. They sit high on their Mount Olympus and dictate what the mortal masses will hear. Everything released now has been watered down and chopped up. Nothing new, just leftovers heated up and served again.

Most artists know this but feel they have no choice. They feel one must dance with the devil to get their music out there. Many give up their sound and give up their soul to get played on the radio, to get their CD pressed and in the stores. Many do but one certainly did not.

She's been courted by all the major labels. She said "no" to each one... every time. She was told she could never make a living in music without the suits owning her. She flipped-off anyone telling her that... to each one, every time.

She started with only anger, words and guitar. She turned this into one of the few major independent record labels. She taught us that sexuality was not about labels. She taught us you can be angry at men, women, bigots and the careless but not hate them.

It is my pleasure to welcome...

Ani DiFranco

...to the number five spot in the top ten most important music artists (with a debut album out in or after 1990).

Maybe the only talent to ever come out of Buffalo, NY... Ani was born in 1970 to parents that loved music (especially folk). They gave her a guitar at eight and she was playing Beatles and performing in local bars by nine. She left home at fifteen, moved to NYC, and supported herself with music.

She made a name for herself in the underground NYC music scene so it was not a huge shock when a major label approached her soon after her eighteenth birthday. They offered her the one thing most starving artists dream of - a record contract. She, unlike most, read it. She read it again. And again. She folded it back up and pushed it across the table unsigned. She said "no" to the suits. At eighteen she started her own record company (Righteous Babe Records). In 1990 she released her first self-titled album.

The simple black-and-white cover graced by her shaved head contained one of the most powerful debut albums in the history of music. Some people play guitar, she exploits it. She pushes the six strings and wood beyond chords, beyond the scales. From the opening song we learned that her guitar was the vehicle for her almost jazz-like sense of rhythm and sound.

..and, oh the words.

Her lyrics make you stop. Stop. Not only are the subjects of her songs courageous and choice, her words force you to understand. Her words make you think. As a lyricist she is right up there with Lennon/McCartney, Dylan, Young, Waits and Simon. The first song on her first CD gives you just a small taste...

I am writing
graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

Are you fucking kidding me? How can a little eighteen-year-old girl put these words together? She went on to release at least one album a year for the next 16 years (she skipped a release in 2000 but put out three albums in 1999 to make up for it.)

Recently she explored new sounds and added a funk-jazz sound to her music. Talking about her released music only tells half her story. You don't know Ani if you've only jammed out to her records. You can only know Ani if you've seen her live.

When she is in concert, she is very live. Very alive. The power of her vision, the hammer of her words, the chariot of her music carries you.

You are in a theatre but it feels like her living room. You are surrounded by strangers but they feel like your neighbors. You are watching her raised high on stage but you think you can reach out and touch her. You can't but she reaches out and grabs you.

I've seen some great shows. I've seen many of the greats live in concert. I've never experienced an artist with the charisma of Ani. If you didn't love her before the curtain rose, you were writing mushy notes and passing them to her in class by the end of the show.

During her journey she was made the poster-child for the lesbian cause. Her songs about sexuality and teaching that sexuality is about love and people and not labels and categories gave many women a voice. She often said she hated being shoved into this role. She often protested being thought of as just a lesbian musician. She often protested being labeled a lesbian. When she ended up marrying her long-time male road manager (Goat) it caused quite a stir. Many women were angry and thought she sold out. Anyone that did not understand how she could marry a man never really listened to her music. They never listed to her words....

(from In or Out)

somedays the line I walk
turns out to be straight
other days the line tends to
deviate
I've got no criteria for sex or race
I just want to hear your voice
I just want to see your face
She looks me up and down
like she thinks that I'll mature
like she's got my number
like it belongs to her
she says,
call me, Ms. DiFranco
if there's anything I can do
I say, I've got spots
I've got
stripes, too

'nuff said, folks. Ani was the easiest one to put in the top ten. She is one of the greatest... one of the greatest of all time.

Here is our list so far:

5) Ani Difranco
6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

There are only four spots left. Who will be number four? Who will be number one? Stay tuned!

Those left:

Beck
Dave Mathews
Radiohead
Tool

Tell him Hof sent ya

2006-04-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

Hey you... yes you.

Have I told you how much I love your blog? Really... I read it every day and wait on large pins and monster needles hitting the refresh button waiting for a new post.

Have you lost weight? You look so good!

Anyway, after your blog I have another one I found that is fabu so check it out.

pumpkinhead's blog

Tell him Hof sent ya.

Best looking readers

2006-04-12T19:59:00.000-04:00

We already know that I have the smartest, funniest and best looking readers in the blogoverse. The question is... do any of you play Age of Empires III?

If so, throw me an email. I am looking to form a team/clan.

The milk-toast wannabees

2006-04-12T08:06:00.000-04:00

This countdown is inching closer to the finish. The bottom-half of the list is complete as I welcome the artist filling the number six spot.

When rap/hip-hop emerged in the 80s many thought it was a passing phase and the analogies to disco flew like bullets from a moving car. Two decades later, hip-hop is not only here to stay but a fully-formed musical fury.

Rap shares much with its uncle hard rock. It has attitude, opinions and gets the blood flowing. The artist at number six was the first artist to take the RUN DMC/Aerosmith experiment and gestate it into a trained battalion.

It is my pleasure to welcome....

Rage Against the Machine

...to the number six spot in the list of the top ten most important artists (with debut albums released on or after 1990).

As we endure bands like Limp Bisket, Linkin Park, Disturbed and the like, it is easy to forget that there is only one band that married the young and edgy rap maiden to the mature heavy metal groom. Unlike the rap/metal melds of today, Rage brought more to the ceremony than just middle-class white kids rapping over the crunch of a metal guitar licks.

There was nothing cut-rate about the band. Tim Commerford, if there was a top ten list for bassists, would surley make it high in the ranking. Like a living funk sample after a three-week bender, his bass embodies the word RAGE. Heavy hits that never sounded like rap and never sounded like metal but somehow sounded like both. He was the centerpiece to the RAGE machine.

Great bands understand that bass is, in reality, a percussion instrument. The mistress at the wedding that kissed the sounds from Tim's bass in the coat room, Brad Wilk's drums proved that innovation was still possible with two sticks and stretched animal flesh. When you listen to RAGE you almost forget that the drums and bass are separate. Brad is one of the greatest drummers in the history of rock.

The voice and message of Rage emanated from Zack de la Roche. Even when his charged political lyrics went against your own personal beliefs you still sang along and you still absorbed the... well.... (can't avoid it).... you still absorbed The Rage. Zach's lyrics and delivery was the first guy in the bar to throw a punch. He knew what he believed, he shoved it down your throat and you swallowed and asked for more.

Tom Morello finished out the quad by taking the attitude of his Kenya-revolutionary father and raising his fist by striking the strings. He may not be one of the greatest guitar players of all time but he was the perfect best-man at the wedding.

1992 brought their self-titled debut album. Bombtrack, the first song, made it clear from the start that nobody had the guts to be Rage but Rage. If you wondered if they also carried the attitude and rebellion of both rap and metal you only had to listen to the second track, Killing in the Name of.

The milk-toast wannabees that tried to set up metal and rap for a long weekend of pillow fighting seem thin. Limp is, well, limp and Disturbed is all too predictable and sane to live up to the name. Rage was honest and Rage was good. Real fucking good.

Here is the list so far:

6) Rage Against the Machine
7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Here are the six remaining artists that will fight for the last five spots

Ani Difranco
Beck
Dave Mathews
Pavement
Radiohead
Tool

Stay tuned to find out who fills the number five spot AND who, of the remaining six, will get thrown off the island. Keep your theories coming on how the end of this list will shake out.

Friends were reinventing and regurgitating punk

2006-04-09T07:59:00.000-04:00

Back before being Alternative only meant you wore either eye makeup or a flannel shirt, one band rose and fell and was, by definition, a 90's band. Releasing their first album in 1990 and breaking up in 2000, I am proud to welcome, at number seven...

Smashing Pumpkins

One of the few college bands in music history that broke out of the dorms and beyond the draft-beer stink of the college scene, Smashing Pumpkins was not exactly like anything before them... or anything since.

You will never hear someone say, "I think this is a Pumpkins song". Billy Corgan's voice can never be confused for someone else. Their music can be layered and heavy on one track only to spin into melancholy and allegorical on the next track. When Pumpkins rocked it out, there was nobody that could do it with more of an edge or more of a finished sound. When Pumpkins slowed it down there was nobody that could drive a hook deeper in your brain and have you singing the main line for weeks.

Their debut, Gish was produced by the same man that helped Sonic Youth define their sound. The guitars are deep and crunch while still having a psychedelic feel.

It was Siamese Dream that really brought them from the small indie scene to many radio stations. As Cherub Rock floated through the FM air, it was Today and Disarm that found a home on MTV. Their destinctive visual style gave these gems heavy rotation on the video jukebox and brought the little band from Chicago much attention.

The Grammy judges gave their next album, Mellon Collie, a total of seven nominations including album of the year. After the album's release Corgan declared that "rock was dead" and that Mellon would be the last Pumpkin album of its kind. Their next album Adore was an electronica experiment that only die-hard Pumpkin fans can survive.

They popped out two more releases that walked back to their original sound but the fans had already moved on. The Pumpkins broke up soon after. When all of their other indie friends were reinventing and regurgitating punk, they had the guts to try something new. The groove and production of Pink Floyd slathered with unabashed heavy metal.

Welcome to the top ten most important artists (with debut albums released on or after 1990), Smashing Pumpkins. There are new rumors of a possible reunion and fingers are crossed.

The list so far:

7) Smashing Pumpkins
8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

The seven remaining to fill the six spots... one will not make it

Ani Difranco
Beck
Dave Mathews
Pavement
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Tool

LONG before she did

2006-04-08T18:00:00.000-04:00

Though our families have fallen out of favor with each other, the cousins have done a grand job of keeping in touch and staying close. We always knew we were smarter than the 'rents anyway.

My mother's side of the family has met with more than its share of hardship. First my grandfather died, then my mother died, then her youngest brother had a failed suicide attempt, then our grandmother fell into the abyss of losing her mind to age, then my father and my mother's brothers broke all civil contact only to have the youngest brother (my uncle) attempt suicide again last year... and succeed.

The second oldest grandkid (after me) has moved to Australia with her boyfriend (unvetted by me, btw). Her and I have always shared a special bond being the first borns. Her father is the only surviving member of my mother's family and he has raised two amazing daughters.

Amy started a blog once she arrived down under. Swing by, say hello and tell her Hof sent you and, as usual, started this blogging thing LONG before she did.... *wink*

amy's aussie blog

I should have another top ten post up this weekend.

The Karma Bank is tracking your balance

2006-04-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

An open letter the inconsiderate, self-absorbed, money-obsessed, shallow fucks that often call South Florida home:

Dear You,

I've tolerated you for six years. Why? I always make the best of my current situation. I had to be here for work so I dealt with you. I watched as you parked, blocking others in, with no regard for the people sharing your air because somehow you think you alone did not have to use a parking space.

I watched as you treated retail employees, waiters, bartenders, waitresses and busboys as your personal servants who were blessed that you slummed it enough to even talk to them. You yelled, bitched, demeaned and ridiculed them. Sometimes I said something; usually I just shook my head in disgust.

I watched you women blatantly hunt and track men based on the number of zeros at the end of their bank balance. Most women (if they admit it or not) are attracted by power. You had no shame and wore this attraction on your forehead and never looked beyond that. You whore yourself the highest bidder and deserve the type of men that allow you into their lives.

I watched you men blatantly hunt and track women based on the size of their breasts, the distance between their pant waist line and the crack of their ass and how close they matched the chick on the latest cover of FHM. Women were nothing but a seed receptacle that you can treat however you pleased as long as you made your car lease payment on time every month. You did not seek a relationship, you sought an accessory to go with your wheels, clothes and pool. Most men (if they admit it or not) are attracted by looks. You had no shame and wore this attraction on your forehead and never looked beyond that. You allowed the grubby bitches into your life and firmly placed their fangs on your jugular. You got exactly the type of women you deserved.

I am out before the end of the month you assholes and bitches... and I will miss you not. I leave you here to feed on each other knowing the Karma Bank is tracking your balance.

For those that live in this shit pile lightly dusted with sun, palm trees and ocean views who are not like the above but are still trapped here... I will miss you.

I will miss you and.... GET THE FUCK OUT before their disease alters how you know the world does and should work.

-Hof

A large litter of devout fans

2006-04-04T10:03:00.000-04:00

For the better part of two decades it appeared the singer-songwriter artist was an endangered species. One thing the 90's brought back to the scene was a return of smart lyrics coupled with innovative music. One of the greatest lyricists in the history of music comes in at number 8.

I welcome...

Tori Amos

...to the top ten important musical artists who put out their first album on or after 1990.

She paved the way for Coldplay, Keane and Ben Folds by rolling her piano to the forefront of her music. A quirky artist known for odd opinions and the ability to write songs about anything in the human experience. Her music has a subtle electric energy with melodies that come unexpected but stick to you ribs and fill.

She was born in North Carolina but was raised in Baltimore, MD. After a slow start riddled with bouts with labels, she eventually gave birth to a large litter of devout fans. Her live performances infected more and more every year. Nobody thinks Tori is just "ok". You either love or hate her which can only mean she is innovative and refuses to play it safe.

Tori is the first female to debut on this list but will she be the last? Who will be number 7? Who will still be cut? There are seven spots left but still eight on the remaining list.

Stay tuned.....!

The List

8) Tori Amos
9) Eminem
10) Pantera

Still awaiting a rank (and one will not make it)

Ani Difranco
Beck
Dave Mathews
Pavement
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Smashing Pumpkins
Tool

New increased trend?

2006-04-03T10:20:00.000-04:00

What is the deal with female teachers and their students?

News stories about female teachers and their students

Was this always happening but the kids are finally starting to report it?

Was it always happening and the kids always reported it but the media has increased its coverage?

or

Is there a new increased trend of female teachers having sexual relationships with their students?

Beyond the bling

2006-03-30T02:43:00.000-05:00

Coming in at number 9....

He stood on the shoulders of many greats... Dr. Dre, Ice-T and Public Enemy yet still managed to forge on as one of the greats of hip-hop. The community is represented in this list at number nine with:

EMINEM

Anyone who thought he was another Vanilla Ice or that a pale skinned skinny boy from Detroit had no groove was soon proven wrong. His ability to strip hip-hop down to just simple beats laid with complex rhymes proved he was not a flash in the pan.

In the tempest of gansta rap he wrote lyrics about being a father or an abused child. He proved that rap could deliver messages outside of the political and beyond the bling. He understands the politics of his industry and of fame and, when it pleases him, manipulates it to his benefit. How many years can he be the center of attention at the Mtv music awards?

A great that belongs in the top 10 most important artists with debut albums released on or after 1990. Welcome to the club, Eminem.

There are only eight spots left and still nine artists. Who will get cut from the top ten? Who will be number eight? Who will be in the top five?

Stay tuned....

List so far

9. Eminem
10. Pantera

Artists left for ranking in alpha order:

Ani Difranco
Beck
Dave Mathews
Pavement
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Smashing Pumpkins
Tool
Tori Amos

Took the torch and made it brighter

2006-03-29T06:23:00.000-05:00

I now begin to reveal the top 10 most important musical artists who released their first album on or after 1990.

The list starts with a surprise... number 10 was never on the nominee list. Number 10 is...

Pantera

When people think about modern metal, they only think of Metallica. Metallica was a ground-breaking band and gets the award for bringing real heavy metal music to the masses. For true metal fans, though, it is Pantera that took the torch from Black Sabbath and Motorhead and made it brighter.

The band formed in the early 80's but didn't release their first album (Cowboys from Hell) until 1990. One of the originators of (what some call) "groove metal", they lived a true rock lifestyle. It was not odd for members of the band to crash into the audience and silence hecklers. Fellow Ozzfest artists feared the parties held by Patera after the show.

Dave Mustaine has claimed that Pantera's musical core, Dimebag Darrell, stole his guitar style from he and James Hetfield. Yes, Dimebag once auditioned to join Metallica. Yes, often Dimebag. Hetfield and Mustaine stretch a similar guitar groove. Yes, Mustaine will forever be the biggest BOOB in heavy metal history ("I have a great idea... I'm going to quit Metallica right before they become one of the biggest bands in music history!").

There is a huge hole in Mustaine's claim.... there are three demo recordings of Dimebag and Pantera crunching the groove metal sound back in the early 80's... long before Hetfield and Mustaine recorded. I've always admired Dimebag for never commenting on Mustaine's claim when he easily could of pointed the finger back at Dave "MegaMetallicaWannabeDeath" Mustaine and claimed he stole from Pantera.

You cannot hear good new metal without hearing Pantera's planted seeds. They brought intelligent lyrics to unapologetic music and never let down. When they felt a tad uninspired they, unlike Metallica, broke up (vs. putting out parody-like albums... I'm talking to you Hetfield).

Dimebag was shot on stage by a distressed crazy fuck fan in 2004. The wacko blamed Dimebag for the Pantera breakup and insured that Dimebag would become another tragic icon in music history.

Pantera deserves to be in this list and firmly starts the countdown to number one.

There are ten artists left but only nine spots to go.... one more will be cut and the other nine will finish the top 10 list. Here are the remaining 10 (in alpha order).... who will be #9? Who will be #1? Who will not make the final top 10?

Stay tuned

Ani Difranco
Beck
Dave Mathews
Eminem
Pavement
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Smashing Pumpkins
Tool
Tori Amos

The last of the carnage....

2006-03-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

Wow this was not easy but here are the last 10 to get cut. I will reveal the band at #10 in a few days.

The last of the carnage....

1) Alanis Morrisette (jagged little pill-1995)-mo
2) Fiona Apple (Tidal-1996)-dan
3) Fugees (Blunted on reality-1994)-hof
4) Mary J Blige (My Life - 1994)-dana
5) Sigur Ros (Agaetis Byrjun-2001)-dan
6) Jeff Buckley (Grace-1994)-dan
7) Pearl Jam (Ten-1991)-hof
8) Modest Mouse (This Is a Long Drive... 1996)-hof
9) Alicia Keys (Songs In A Minor -2001)-cyrus
10) Nirvana (Nevermind-1991)-vegasgustan

Stay tuned to see the final top 10 most important artists since 1990 ranked from 10 to 1....

The Carnage Continues!

2006-03-20T07:05:00.000-05:00

Here are the next 10 to cut:

1) Alice in Chains (Facelift-1990)-hof
2) Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five (Self Titled-1995)-vegasgustan
3) Dido (No Angel-1999)-dan
4) Foo Fighters (Self Titled-1995)-hof
5) Snoop Dog - (Doggystyle-1993)-hof
6) Stone Temple Pilots (Core-1992)-allison
7) The White Stripes (Elephant-2003)-cyrus
8) Tribe Called Quest (People's Instinctive Travels...-1990)-hof
9) Sarah McLachlan (Touch – 1990)-mr. drinker
10) Green Day (kerplunk-1992)-mo

Here are the 20 that are still alive. Next cut will be to the final 10.

1) Alanis Morrisette (jagged little pill-1995)-mo
2) Alicia Keys (Songs In A Minor -2001)-cyrus
3) Ani Difranco (Ani Difranco 1994)-hof
4) Beck - (Mellow Gold-1994)-hof
5) Dave Mathews (Under the table and dreaming 1994)-hof
6) Eminem - (Infinite-1996)-hof
7) Fiona Apple (Tidal-1996)-dan
8) Fugees (Blunted on reality-1994)-hof
9) Jeff Buckley (Grace-1994)-dan
10) Mary J Blige (My Life - 1994)-dana
11) Modest Mouse (This Is a Long Drive... 1996)-hof
12) Nirvanna (Nevermind-1991)-vegasgustan
13) Pavement (Slanted & Enchanted - 1992)-mr. drinker
14) Pearl Jam (Ten-1991)-hof
15) Radiohead (Pablo Honey 1993)-hof
16) Rage Against the Machine (Self Titled-1992)-hof
17) Sigur Ros (Agaetis Byrjun-2001)-dan
18) Smashing Pumpkins (Gish-1991)-hof
19) Tool (Opiate 1992)-hof
20) Tori Amos (Little Earthquakes – 1992)-mr. drinker

Its all love

2006-03-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

In this case, Aunt A* loves you more than Uncle Hof...

She posted pics of our new abode.

Check it out!

Found

2006-03-10T06:41:00.000-05:00

I found our house.

Nothing new to their craft

2006-03-07T06:53:00.000-05:00

You would think the first cut from 48 to 30 would be easy. It was far from easy. There are some great artists already on the cut list.

The following artists are cut:

1) Air (Moon Safari -1998)-cyrus
2) Better Than Ezra (Deluxe-1995)-vegasgustan
3) Coldplay (Brothers and Sisters-1999)-cherry moon
4) Daft Punk (Homework -1997)-cyrus
5) Dubtribe Sound System (Bryant Street -1999)-cyrus
6) Jack Johnson (Brushfire Fairytales-2001)-vegasgustan
7) Jet (Get Born 2003)-hof
8) Jay Z (reasonable doubt-1996)-mo
9) Jimmy Eat World (Static Prevails-1996)-vegasgustan
10) Kanye West (college dropout-2004)-mo
11) Maximo Park (A Certain Trigger 2004)-nics
12) My Bloody Valentine (Glider - 1990)-mr. drinker
13) Perfect Circle (Mer De Noms 2000)-hof
14) Queens of the Stone Age (self titled 1998)-melina
15) The Black Crowes (Shake Your Money Maker-1990)-allison
16) The Killers (Hot Fuss 2004)-melina
17) The Verve (A Storm in Heaven - 1993)
18) Weezer (Weezer 'Blue Album'-1994)-vegasgustan

Why did these 18 get cut? Because I said so....

Many of Cyrus' nominees got cut only because I am not familiar with them. I know Cyrus personally and have no doubt these artists are worthy of inclusion... Cyrus aint no dummy. I have to cut and the ones I am not familiar.

Many got cut because they bring nothing new to their craft. Some of these artists are wonderful but are standing tall on the shoulders of giants... they are not innovative enough to survive this first cut.

Jay Z and Kanye were tough... but if I have to choose between Snoop, Kanye, Jay and Tribe Called Quest... Jay and Kanye lose. They are not as innovative as the other two.

So who survived?

1) Alanis Morrisette (jagged little pill-1995)-mo
2) Alice in Chains (Facelift-1990)-hof
3) Alicia Keys (Songs In A Minor -2001)-cyrus
4) Ani Difranco (Ani Difranco 1994)-hof
5) Beck - (Mellow Gold-1994)-hof
6) Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five (Self Titled-1995)-vegasgustan
7) Dave Mathews (Under the table and dreaming 1994)-hof
8) Dido (No Angel-1999)-dan
9) Eminem - (Infinite-1996)-hof
10) Fiona Apple (Tidal-1996)-dan
11) Foo Fighters (Self Titled-1995)-hof
12) Fugees (Blunted on reality-1994)-hof
13) Green Day (kerplunk-1992)-mo
14) Jeff Buckley (Grace-1994)-dan
15) Mary J Blige (My Life - 1994)-dana
16) Modest Mouse (This Is a Long Drive... 1996)-hof
17) Nirvanna (Nevermind-1991)-vegasgustan
18) Pavement (Slanted & Enchanted - 1992)-mr. drinker
19) Pearl Jam (Ten-1991)-hof
20) Radiohead (Pablo Honey 1993)-hof
21) Rage Against the Machine (Self Titled-1992)-hof
22) Sarah McLachlan (Touch Â 1990)-mr. drinker
23) Sigur Ros (Agaetis Byrjun-2001)-dan
24) Smashing Pumpkins (Gish-1991)-hof
25) Snoop Dog - (Doggystyle-1993)-hof
26) Stone Temple Pilots (Core-1992)-allison
27) Tool (Opiate 1992)-hof
28) Tori Amos (Little Earthquakes Â 1992)-mr. drinker
29) The White Stripes (Elephant-2003)-cyrus
30) Tribe Called Quest (People's Instinctive Travels...-1990)-hof

Next cut takes us to 20... stay tuned!

Final Nominee List

2006-02-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

Here is the final nominee list:

Over the next few posts I will begin to cut this list of 43 down. The first cut will bring us down to 30.

Air (Moon Safari -1998)-cyrus
Alanis Morrisette (jagged little pill-1995)-mo
Alice in Chains (Facelift-1990)-hof
Alicia Keys (Songs In A Minor -2001)-cyrus
Ani Difranco (Ani Difranco 1994)-hof
Beck - (Mellow Gold-1994)-hof
Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five (Self Titled-1995)-vegasgustan
Better Than Ezra (Deluxe-1995)-vegasgustan
Coldplay (Brothers and Sisters-1999)-cherry moon
Daft Punk (Homework -1997)-cyrus
Dave Mathews (Under the table and dreaming 1994)-hof
Dido (No Angel-1999)-dan
Dubtribe Sound System (Bryant Street -1999)-cyrus
Eminem - (Infinite-1996)-hof
Fiona Apple (Tidal-1996)-dan
Foo Fighters (Self Titled-1995)-hof
Fugees (Blunted on reality-1994)-hof
Green Day (kerplunk-1992)-mo
Jack Johnson (Brushfire Fairytales-2001)-vegasgustan
Jay Z (reasonable doubt-1996)-mo
Jeff Buckley (Grace-1994)-dan
Jet (Get Born 2003)-hof
Jimmy Eat World (Static Prevails-1996)-vegasgustan
Kanye West (college dropout-2004)-mo
Mary J Blige (My Life - 1994)-dana
Maximo Park (A Certain Trigger 2004)-nics
Modest Mouse (This Is a Long Drive... 1996)-hof
Nirvanna (Nevermind-1991)-vegasgustan
Pearl Jam (Ten-1991)-hof
Perfect Circle (Mer De Noms 2000)-hof
Queens of the Stone Age (self titled 1998)-melina
Radiohead (Pablo Honey 1993)-hof
Rage Against the Machine (Self Titled-1992)-hof
Sigur Ros (Agaetis Byrjun-2001)-dan
Smashing Pumpkins (Gish-1991)-hof
Snoop Dog - (Doggystyle-1993)-hof
Stone Temple Pilots (Core-1992)-allison
The Black Crowes (Shake Your Money Maker-1990)-allison
The Killers (Hot Fuss 2004)-melina
The White Stripes (Elephant-2003)-cyrus
Tool (Opiate 1992)-hof
Tribe Called Quest (People's Instinctive Travels...-1990)-hof
Weezer (Weezer 'Blue Album'-1994)-vegasgustan

Worthy of inclusion

2006-02-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

(updated nominee list 2/22/05)

For no real reason I want to put together the Top 10 recent musical artists.

The only requirement for consideration the artist's FIRST album had to be released in or after 1990. I will pick the final list based on the artist's total body of work.

Here are my nominees (with their debut album and release date). Please leave yours in the comments section (with the album and release date). I will update the nominee list if I find your suggestion worthy of inclusion. I will post the final Top 10 in a few days.

Current Nominees:

Tool (Opiate 1992)-hof
Radiohead (Pablo Honey 1993)-hof
Ani Difranco (Ani Difranco 1994)-hof
Modest Mouse (This Is a Long Drive... 1996)-hof
Perfect Circle (Mer De Noms 2000)-hof
Jet (Get Born 2003)-hof
Dave Mathews (Under the table and dreaming 1994)-hof
Queens of the Stone Age (self titled 1998)-melina
The Killers (Hot Fuss 2004)-melina
Maximo Park (A Certain Trigger 2004)-nics
Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five (Self Titled-1995)-vegasgustan
Jimmy Eat World (Static Prevails-1996)-vegasgustan
Weezer (Weezer 'Blue Album'-1994)-vegasgustan
Jack Johnson (Brushfire Fairytales-2001)-vegasgustan
Better Than Ezra (Deluxe-1995)-vegasgustan
The White Stripes (Elephant-2003)-cyrus
Air (Moon Safari -1998)-cyrus
Daft Punk (Homework -1997)-cyrus
Dubtribe Sound System (Bryant Street -1999)-cyrus
Alicia Keys (Songs In A Minor -2001)-cyrus
The Black Crowes (Shake Your Money Maker-1990)-allison
Stone Temple Pilots (Core-1992)-allison
Dido (No Angel-1999)-dan
Fiona Apple (Tidal-1996)-dan
Jeff Buckley (Grace-1994)-dan
Sigur Ros (Agaetis Byrjun-2001)-dan
Coldplay (Brothers and Sisters-1999)-cherry moon
Kanye West (college dropout-2004)-mo
Jay Z (reasonable doubt-1996)-mo
Alanis Morrisette (jagged little pill-1995)-mo
Green Day (kerplunk-1992)-mo
Nirvanna (Nevermind-1991)-vegasgustan
Pearl Jam (Ten-1991)-hof
Alice in Chains (Facelift-1990)-hof
Tribe Called Quest (People's Instinctive Travels...-1990)-hof
Fugees (Blunted on reality-1994)-hof

I am still getting some great names.... any more before I close the nomination process? Getty up and get your artist ON THE LIST!

Your skin is peach

2006-02-13T17:23:00.000-05:00

Add me to the Valentines Day Haters Club roster. Hate it when I am single, hate it more when I'm not. Luckily the A*, the ring bearer, is also a member of the club...

So, being a comment-whore, I wish you to express and share in the comment section of this post.

Are you a secret memeber of the VDH? Let us claim today, the 13th, as our holiday. A day for hate poetry. I want to hear it all. Your nasty, your meany, your every....

Finish one or all of the following tiny poems:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Grass is green
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Urine is yellow
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Corn is amber
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
My heart is black
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
My balls are brass
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Dirt is brown
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Jeans are demin
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Silence is gold
(you give the next two lines)

Roses are red
Your skin is peach
(you give the next two lines)

Actually hold a real conversation

2006-02-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

There are some things you come across in your life and you know, deep down, they are the future, they are the way things will be done... they are here to stay.

I remember in 1991 when my roommate first bought a modem and dialed into the UNC server. He showed me IRC and how people had "rooms" where they talked about anything. I surfed through and saw every imaginable subject being discussed and dissected by people in colleges all over the world. This was before browsers, before "the web" when email was just a simple text message in DOS.

I remember knowing this was the future.

I remember the first time I sold something on eBay. I don't remember what it was but I do remember posting a ware, having THOUSANDS look it over and dozens bid on it. On a bizarre yet understood honor system I was mailed a check and I, in turn, mailed the product.

I remember knowing this was the future.

I remember a program called KALI. It faked computer games into thinking any computer on the internet was on the same LAN. This meant, for the first time EVER you could play multiplayer games online with anyone in the world. I played Doom, Tie Fighter and Command and Conquer for hours and hours against strangers from across the planet.

I remember knowing this was the future.

I remember getting my Sirius satellite radio and finding commercial free radio with over a hundred channels for every musical mood I was in. I remember finding talk radio for any political view. I remember finding two channels for comedy. I remember hearing Stern uncensored and unbound.

I remember knowing this was the future.

I remember getting DVR and realizing I was a slave to programming until that moment. I remember having to watch commercials and "missing my shows" because I refused to sit in front of the idiot box every night. I remember finally watching what I wanted when I wanted for the first time.

I remember knowing this was the future.

I remember meeting a woman at a bar and realizing that someone existed that was not only drop-dead beautiful but could also actually hold a real conversation. I remember how she looked at me when we talked and had her own thoughts and her own opinions. I remember thinking she understood what a conversation was. I remember kissing her for the first time.

I rememeber knowing she was my future.

My entire life

2006-01-27T08:26:00.000-05:00

Taking a personal day today to spend time with la esposa a ser. Tuesday marks the start of an insane month. I am speaking at a conference all next week. I then come home and speak in three other conferences here in South Florida.

That is followed by ten days in NYC speaking at another conference with a few extra days with La mujer de mis sueños.

February will end leaving me only a handful of days to pack up my entire life and ship up to NC.

Let the games begin.

You will die

2006-01-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

I am more powerful than God.
I am more evil than the devil.
The poor have me.
The rich need me.
If you eat me, you will die.
What am I?

Yum

2006-01-25T16:42:00.000-05:00

Tuna fish with wasabi mayonnaise.... yum

Stern on Sirius... fun

Age of Empires III... challenging

Winning $1,500 by beating 750 in an online poker tourney... ego boosting

Powers comic by Bendis... unbelievable

Back to my knees?

2006-01-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

gone under two times.

I've been struck dumb by a voice that speaks from deep beneath the cold black water.

It's twice as clear as heaven,and twice as loud as reason.

It's deep and rich like silt on a riverbed and just as undisturbing.

the currents mouth below me opens up around me.

suggests and beckons all while swallowing.

It surrounds and drowns and sweeps me away.

But I'm so comfortable...Too comfortable. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

you're saturating me

So how could I let this bring me back to my knees again again again under for the third time.

I've been baptized by your voice.

it screams from deep beneath the endless water.

and it's half as high as heaven and half as clear as reason.

it's cold and and black like silt on the riverbed.

But I'm so comfortable. Far too comfortable.

Why don't you kill me, I'm weak and numb and insignificant, and I'm back on my knees.

lost in euphoria.

I'm back down. I'm in the undertow.

I'm helpless and awake in the undertow.

I'll die within your undertow.

It seems there's no other way out of this undertow. Euphoria.
-Tool, Undertow

Your protector

2006-01-21T08:28:00.000-05:00

It all comes down to national security.

For your protection, when I am called I answer.

I have to disappear into the folds of society - become invisible. There is so much at stake.

I may be gone for days. I may be gone for months. All of my training will be required. I must do everything so nothing happens.

I will be in the shadows. I will be in the folds.

I cannot post until I thwart the plans of those who mean us harm.

I am your protector and I will return.

How many doors of possibility

2006-01-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

Admit it, you missed me. As usual, I have to come and rescue this waste of a URL. Honestly, after such a long hiatus, I am surprised sappy-slug still has readers.

HofSnark is back and nobody is safe.

I archived Hof and got caught up. Was it just me, or did I see a post about a cat? Has he no shame? After reading all of his useless posts I went through his blogroll and got caught up with all of the crap he reads. The only thing worse than this blog is your blog. Christ.

I then ventured to the NEXT BLOG button and, after losing my lunch, found the glory-hole of the blogosphere. Below is the post from a blog that will remain unnamed. Get a fork for your eyes, kids, this one is a gem. My comments are in red.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006
An unusual, unexpected evening

Tonight, I did something I have never in my life done before. [ah, you took a shower... not as bad as you expected, was it?] I participated in a literal hands on prayer for healing. [Why, is healing having a tough day? Did healing need you and your friends to speed-dial God? If I was God and someone prayed for someone I would be a tad ticked. Do you think I was not paying attention? Isn't praying basically telling God he's been sleeping on the job? Isn't praying the celestial post-it saying, "hey, get your shit together, God." If I was God I would strike down the praying fool and burn into her stomach, "BITCH, I am all-fucking-knowing. I don't need you to remind me of what the FUCK is going on. I run this joint!] A few years ago, I couldn't imagine myself doing such a thing. Though I have sat with friends, holding their hands or my arm around their shoulder, praying for health, this was different. [I smell a Penthouse Forum Letter coming....] This was a group united in their concern for me and a recurrent, chronic health issue. [Now I get it... it was different because it was for you. Could not imagine yourself doing this before UNTIL you realized it was going to be all about you. Die bitch.] There was no one there who claimed to have the power of healing. [yet] No one was asking for money. [yet] There were no claims that if healing didn't happen, it was because of lack of faith. [don't even get me started] There was no pressure to participate. [riiiight, your zealots never pressure others] These were people who have chosen to believe that God/dess has never stopped miracles. [This fucking pisses me off. We are talking about God. Do you think he really has either a penis or a vagina? He's God, pick a pronoun and go with it.] Some of these miracles are in the incredible design of the world in which we live. [Pretty cool... if the sentence actually made any sense] A miracle might be the peace one finds when life is falling apart, and there is no logical reason for the mind and spirit to be calm. [Its called pot, not a miracle] A miracle might be finding how much we are loved when we are lost and trapped in loneliness and despair. [THAT would be a miracle. Anyone that might love you only needs to read this crap. God called last night and mentioned you are unloved. I meant to call you this morning and tell you... then I remembered I don't love you either and gave not a shit] A miracle could be the parting of a sea or a return of health for no apparent reason. These were people who have opened themselves to the miraculous in the ordinary, the rare and the unexplained. [no, these are people that feel the fucking need to take the lucky shit that just happens and need to take partial credit for it. "I prayed and prayed and look what happened". Shit happens. Sometimes it is good shit, sometimes its bad shit. If there is a God and he made it happen, its not because you underlined it on his to-do list.]

I've always associated healing by faith with either television hucksters or religious charismatics overwhelmed by emotion and peer pressure. [...gee, I wonder why] I've imagined wailing women with hair that hasn't been cut in years swooped into overdone piles on their heads, no makeup and overly long skirts, men in bad suits and worse toupees talking loudly and smacking people. [please please please let this be the beginning of the Forum Letter. "The man in the bad suit came over and asked me if I wanted a massage...."] That has been some snobbery on my part, some natural and understandable skepticism, and unfamiliarity. ["That has been some"... great way to start a sentence. What is that, the past present perfect tense. Jesus on a chain, read a book] My religious life has been to approach things from the head first and let it soak in from there. [that doesn't even make sense. Are you approaching the head first? Whose head are you approaching. Read another book.] Some of these people were executives and professionals still in the business casual attire which is the norm for this area. I know of multiple advanced degrees among the educational credentials in the room. [What the FUCK is an "advanced degree"? Are there intermediate and beginner degrees? When you register at the college can you set the difficulty level higher like a video game?] The conversation preceding this prayer could just have easily been about the impact of St. Augustine's confessions or the Councils of Nicea as it was about healing. [Can your tense be any harder to read? "could just have easily"-FUUUUUCK!]The ability to approach faith mind first was there, but another direction was chosen. [what the hell are you talking about? Did you proof this crap?]

Still, this was still faith healing, something which has always triggered my BS meter. [You owe me $4,276.23 for that second "still". "Still this was still..." I take cashier's check.] Healing was something that happened in the days of Jesus, in the days of the prophets. [These are the days of our Jesus...] As someone who believes the Bible from a non-literal perspective, I've been able to accept that Jesus, both divine and human could heal miraculously. [Are you being charged per punctuation? I'll loan you the money for a period and another comma. You hurt my head. I am still not sure what "believed the Bible from a non-literal perspective" is supposed to mean] I could believe that He gave this gift to His followers with whom He lived. As a relatively intelligent and well read woman in the 21st century, I believed that gifts for healing were now what motivated people to go into medical professions and that would be where I would find what I sought for my health. [OMG, are you serious with this sentence? The best part... this horrible sentence includes the factoid that you are well read. Talk about BS meters.] I've felt that God/dess didn't have to be showy and often worked in everyday activities.

Tonight though, I sat in a chair, and people laid their hands on me and quietly prayed out loud, one by one, followed by a period of silence. [...then the woman with the stacked hair moved her hand up my thigh. At first I was shocked... FUCK this better be the start of the Forum Letter] I'm normally very particular about being touched. [Here we GO! WOOOT"] My intimacy and personal space boundaries are large, but this didn't feel intrusive. [Is it large baby? Say its large. Give me your big boundaries, baby. Give it. Large, baby, LARGE] Physically, during the prayer and for about an hour afterwards, I felt unusually warm. [That was your big flappy pussy, sweetie.] It's difficult to describe, but the level of heat was comparable to that of a hot flash without the sweats and the discomfort. [...oh boy, here comes the punchline. Get ready for it] My illness didn't instantly disappear, and I didn't jump up shouting like one would see on some TV show. I am more comfortable, and I know that this could be due to some chemical release that comes from stepping into a new and somewhat scary experience (that every day presence of the miraculous thing). [um... so you are healed or not?] I don't expect to wake up tomorrow morning [we hope you don't wake up tomorrow morning] with my symptoms all gone, but I'm not going to eliminate that from possibility either.

What I do know for sure was that this was a step of faith. I opened a door of possibility and feel like I could open more. [how many doors of possibility are there? Where is the door of me possibly winning the lottery. You win the "Worst use of Figurative Language" award. Get the fuck over yourself and your unspecified illness. God doesn't give a shit about you and tell your looney friends he checks the Caller ID so quit praying.]

HofSnark OUT!

You can never have it back

2006-01-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

Bought a new phone today that is bluetooth enabled. I resisted buying the bluetooth headset. My regular readers know why.

A* bought a ticket to come down next week. I miss her next to me.

Reading Finding Serenity because, as usual, I am obsessed.

Listening to Stern every morning on my Sirius radio. Loving it.

Already starting to stress about making my move to NC by the end of April. Hectic days ahead.

Mr. Drinker has gone MIA. I miss him. I am afraid this post has to do with me. We were supposed to hang out last Friday but I never heard from him.

You've wasted one minute reading this useless post and you can never have it back.

'cause Uncle Hof said so

2006-01-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

I present to you a classic game I first played in college. If you are a Howard Stern fan, you know how to play.

The game is "Marry, Fuck, Kill".

Here is how it is played....

I present you with three names. You must decide which one you would marry, which one you would fuck and which one you would kill. Please leave your answers in a comment on this post.

BTW, don't give lame answers like "I would kill myself" or "I'm already married". If you can't play by the rules then lurk.

For the ladies... Three sets of three. For each set (that means do all three) please tell us who you would marry, who you would kill and who you would fuck then let us know why...

Ladies set #1
Harrison Ford
Bruce Willis
George Clooney

Ladies set #2
Ethan Hawke
Collin Farrell
Keanu Reeves

Ladies set #3
Michael Jackson
Rosie O'Donnell
Marilyn Manson

Same thing for the boys:

Men set #1
Martha Stewart
Joan Rivers
Kathy Bates

Men set #2
Bridget Nielson
Liza Minneli
Rosanne Barr

Men set #3
Jennifer Garner
Kate Hudson
Liv Tyler

Follow the rules, kids, 'cause Uncle Hof said so.

Will be the game

2006-01-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight I flow.

Tonight the cards will fall in front of me.

Tonight the table will talk to me.

Tonight the rhythm will be clear and I will flow with it.

The chips will follow.

I will trust the voice.

I will be the water, not the rock.

I will move ahead when they give.

I will let them through when they push.

Tonight I will be open to all of the sounds.

Tonight I will be the game.

Get over it and try this

2006-01-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

I am flooded daily with emails from my readers. Most ask for advice or my thoughts on this or my thoughts on that. Many of my gay male and straight female readers ask how they can improve their relationship and/or sex life with their boyfriend/husband. Instead of spending hours today answering each and every email, I will start a new feature called...

"Just for Him"

These will be short suggestions for what you can do just for your man today to make his life a little better. Hopefully this feature will stem the tide of emails and give many of you ideas that will add some variety to your relationships while bringing you closer together.

Just for Him #1
The "I can't resist"

Next time you find yourself alone with your man, show him how much he turns you on. There are few bigger turn-ons for men than the idea that their partner cannot contain their attraction towards them. The idea that you are SO sexually attractive to us that, at times, it overwhelms you is a HUGE turn-on.

So hit him with an ambush blow-job. Maybe you are both watching TV on the couch. Lean over, unzip and go to it. Say nothing... just go for it. Maybe he is in the shower. Hop in and drop down. Say nothing, just go for it. Maybe he is driving... same as the couch scenario above. There should be no other foreplay or hanky-panky (or even kissing) first. You want this to be an ambush. He should never expect it. I also recommend a whispered "I just couldn't help myself" sometime early in the act. Look up to him and say it.

You want to give him the feeling that he and his penis have been on your mind all day. You've tried to control yourself, you've tried to resist... but you couldn't any longer. You had to see it, you had to touch it, you had to taste it.

I realize some of you are not into giving BJs. Get over it and try this. Be sure to come back and share with all of us how it went.

Trust your Uncle Hof... this is something great "Just For Him."

Open letter that he will never read

2006-01-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching Serenity.

Joss Whedon,

In your introduction to the crowd at the ComiCon several years ago you said, you don't create to make shows that people will like. You make shows that people will love. You also mentioned how amazed you were by the underground surge which led to a cancelled show being made into a movie.

Don't be too surprised. You captured our hearts with your little show.

Star Trek never set well with me. It presented this utopian mega-government that always acted with benevolence. Pikard and Kirk flew around the stars spreading their vision. I always wondered if there was a rebel movement fighting the Federation monster. Were there people that did not want their lives controlled by Big Brother?

You gave us Mal and his crew. I am a brown coat at heart. They were the part of the Trek story that was never told. The Alliance promised a better society and they refused to drink the Kool-Aid.

You gave us characters that we believed. Flawed and heroic, the crew of Serenity became our friends. We know them; believe them.

Mal is an inflexible ass. Zoe is loyal to a fault. Wash is an insecure pain. Inara's nose is far in the air yet she still makes her living on her back. Jayne is a sexist bigot with enough blood for his brain and his pecker - just not at the same time. Kaylee is a whiner. Dr. Simon always looked down on the others. River is a nut-job and Shepard has a past we know is lined in blood and bad things.

It wasn't their gold hearts we loved - it was their flaws. The best part of the movie was getting to hang out with them again.

Pulling off a western set hundreds of years in the future is no small task. You did not make another Futureworld with too much camp and not enough heart. I believed the FireFly 'verse. It is real. You know a little camp goes a long way. Buffy had the perfect balance. FF proved that Buffy was not fluke. You are a master.

We need a sequel. I want to buy a six-pack, dodge some Reavers and come over and hang out on Serenity one more time.

In the days of Star Wars being ruined by the creator and Star Trek's brand-whoring you gave us all something to love. Love it we do.

Actually get nothing done

2006-01-11T06:33:00.000-05:00

/rant on

I watched the confirmation hearings for a few hours yesterday. I bet you thought working from home was always a bath of excitement and never ending crisis management (much like an episode of "ER").

Some of you know my political leanings. I lean as far away from all of them as I can. I believe the ability to survive the political gauntlet and actually get elected means you've made enough deals with the devils to prevent you from making untainted decisions.

The only people that make me sicker than Democrats are their Republican brothers. We gotta have them so let's do everything in our power to keep as much power out of their hands.

...oh yea, back to the hearings.

I found the contrast of personas between the long tables and the short table startling. At the short table we appear to have a respected career judge who obviously has brain mass between the ears. It also appears he uses crazy things like retraint and reason. At the long tables was a shooting gallery of clowns. One after another they postured, proclaimed, attacked and did just about everything but what they are BOUND to do by the Constitution.

The Prez picks 'em and the Senate makes sure they don't think they are Napoleon or that aliens have infiltrated our bloodstream which taint our judgment and health (basically, they can't be Scientologists).

Alito made it clear early that he would NOT talk about how he might decide on a future case without actually being the judge and without being presented by both parties in a judicial session. In essence, it would appear he takes this whole judging thing seriously.

Does this stop those idiots from spewing their garbage and asking his opinion on Executive Powers or Abortion? I wonder how many of them even realize that Roe V Wade was not decided as an abortion issue but a state vs. federal power issue. All Roe v Wade did was change which barrel of monkeys gets to choose how much control a woman has over her own body.

I have a hard time believing you can watch these hearings and feel that these dolts should have any say over what color the White House should be painted, let alone the reproductive process.

(wait one second, I have to put both hands on the lightning rod)

When a woman has an abortion she is ending a life. No fancy rhetoric will change the truth of this. (WTF? You thought you just read above that I was pro-choice).

I am pro-choice. Not because abortion is protected in the constitution. Not because you have to be born before you are a person or a life. I don't think the federal constitution protects the woman's right to choose.

I am pro-choice because the idea of the government having ANY control over reproduction is so fucking scary. You let them have any say over how a woman can use her uterus then get ready for them to get their grubby hands on birth control, how many children we can have and, ultimatly who can screw whom.

I refuse to screw anybody that Joe Biden or Orrin Hatch picks out.

Watch the hearings when you get a chance. Next time you are talking politics and decide that the government should take care of problem X or regulate Y, I want you ro remember the lineup at the hearing.

The government writes no laws and regulates nothing. It is those schlemiels that write the laws and regulate. Next time you vote, put one party in control of the Senate, the other in the White House and try and keep the House of Rashes as close to even as possible. With a little luck they will spend all their time fighting and actually get nothing done.

/rant off

All coming together

2006-01-10T13:29:00.000-05:00

I just got the green light to transfer with my company back to North Carolina.

The stars are in line and it is all coming together.

Pretty effing cool.

Get your geek on

2006-01-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

I miss running a roleplaying game. In high school and college, I was the storyteller, the gamemaster the high geek priest of the eight-sided dice.

I miss it.

I wonder if any of my readers would consider meeting online and geeking maybe once or twice a month. I would run the game. My games were heavy on roleplaying and used the simple and flexible GURPS rules.

I could run a horror or fantasy game.

Comment or email if you would be interested in playing. If anyone knows a good way to run a game online, please let me know. Is there software to handle the dice, etc?

Let me know if you want to get your geek on....

Solid night's sleep

2006-01-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

I know what you are thinking... Hof has finally fallen into the trap so many failed to navigate away from.... He is blogging about his cat.

You should be ashamed of yourself - ASHAMED! I would never let The Halo be besmirched with a post about my cat. No way, no how. This is a post about someone else's cat. Do you feel the shame now? I cannot believe you thought so little of The Halo.

A* and I spent our first few days in NC up in Raleigh with Sister. She recently got a new cat that is... are you ready for it.... breathe.... polydactyl. (You didn't need to follow the link, did you? You already knew what it meant. Was it the pictoral context clues? We are so proud of you!)

I am not much of a cat person but Stewie is a riot. He and I spent hours with me armed with a laser pointer and he on the hunt. These are actual pictures of Stewie; the next step in the evolution of feline.

I've been having terrible insomnia the last few nights. This is not a rare thing for me. I took a few melatonin last night and finally got a solid night's sleep.

Terror on the green felt

2006-01-03T20:55:00.000-05:00

Hung out in Raleigh for days. Picked out an apartment. Fucking got a taste for it all. Now I'm back in my same old same old. Bleh.

Nobody is televising UNC v. Davidson. Bleh.

I've not been challenged by my work in years. YEARS. Bleh.

Got knocked out of an online tourney after my pocket queens ran into pocket aces. Next hand, my suited ace king met pocket aces again. BACK TO FUCKING BACK. Bleh.

I worry about Sister. I worry about Youngest. I worry about Craftsman. I worry about Dad. Bleh to all of it.

Finished One of a Kind. Almost choked up at the end of it. How can someone so talented, so kind and so genuine systematically destroy everything he had and cared about.... even himself?

If I ever get one millionth the card sense he had I will be a millionaire. You will see me on TV hammering terror on the green felt. What a shame. Bleh.

Ask

2005-12-30T05:27:00.000-05:00

A* and I are being bombarded for requests for a picture of The Ring....

Nobody loves their readers like we do so... ask and you shall receive.

BLING BLING

You (almost) know

2005-12-29T04:39:00.000-05:00

It all started when we met on April 1st of this year (of all days). I was trapped in a relationship with someone and A* was just coming off a nasty break up. It was several days later that we caught up with each other over IM.

Our IMs turned into phone calls. I knew something was going on but the reality of all of the miles between us was daunting. I did, in true high school fashion, make a mix CD. My lord, she said yes to me? She must be crazy.

We talked for hours each night. It did not take long for me to realize what she was becoming for me. I asked her to meet me in Vegas in May. I had to go for work. She said no... then weeks later changed her mind. She came to Vegas.

Everything we felt over the hours on the phone not only translated to real life... being ACTUALLY together was the greatest single thing in my life. I knew in Vegas she would become my wife some day.

I flew to NYC, she flew down to FL. Back and forth and our feelings only grew.

In August I started to casually look at rings. Um.... I guess engagement rings are a type of trial or test for a man. It is all a swirl of the four "C"s and the three zeroes. Good lord.

As our plans formed for New Years I knew it was the time.

I got the ring last week.

I gave it to her yesterday.

She said "yes" and I am the happiest and luckiest man you (almost) know. She will be a wonderful wife and an amazing mother. I cannot believe I get to be the husband and father.

Both cry

2005-12-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

Great, dan, happy now?

You made us both cry with this....

Today

2005-12-28T06:01:00.000-05:00

Today is a very big day....

Stay tuned and keep your GOD DAMN mouths shut. No phone calls....

That means you, dan... and allison... and julie.... and anyone else that has our phone numbers.

Don't call us, we will call you.... sometime late this afternoon.

Not kidding.

Seriously.

If any of you eff up my plans today I will do very bad things to you.

Very Very Very bad things....

Do NOT call until we call you. Got it?

Big plans.... big plans.... "you won't believe it" big.

Ronnie Dio was the lead singer

2005-12-25T07:27:00.000-05:00

Currently there are no "kids" in our family. My brothers and I lamented that Christmas is not the same without kids in the family...

Christmas with out kids is like....

... watching "Good Times" reruns on mute
... watching "X-files" after Moulder left the show
... playing Yahtzee without dice
... trying to explain "Saved by the Bell" to someone born after the show was cancelled
... MTV without music videos (oh, wait, never mind)
... every Van Halen album after Roth left
... paying to see Ringo Starr in concert
... trying to make cosmos when you're out of cranberry juice
... Black Sabbath when Ronnie Dio was the lead singer

I look forward to the day when all of us are married and have children so we can have Christmas back.

As I sit here in North Carolina

2005-12-24T19:06:00.000-05:00

I've aquired a hate-complex for the fools that wear their bluetooth earpieces around. The mall was full of them. I had hate in my heart for each one of the cyborgs as I shopped. Are they lazy or just trying to impress? I might need to seek help.

Best Buy was closed and Circuit City blows.

Tonight it is only me, Youngest and Craftsman. Sister and my father come in tomorrow. This is the first Christmans eve when we are not all together. The odd thing is it makes me really miss Mom. So much would be different if she was still with us. It hurts a little more right now. Nine years passing does not make it hurt less.

Youngest landed a PHAT job as a business coordinator for a HVAC company. What a home run! The best part.... it was the first company he interviewed with.

A* is in South Florida as I sit here in North Carolina. She comes up this Wednesday and that cannot happen soon enough. I miss her too.

I did well with my shopping without destroying ye ole bank account.

Love ya, mean it.

Will soon rise

2005-12-22T07:09:00.000-05:00

I enter the public square to address the crowd...

"I, Hofzinser, come to this forum to declare a public apology. Upon my last visit to Las Vegas I failed to find time to meet up with paige or vegasgustan.

I was exhausted and in bed early each night. This does not excuse the lack of phone calls to these fine people. I stand here, in the square, asking for judgement as I have no excuses."

The crowd stirs after my voice falls silent. The crime is understandable but no less a crime. The light roar of whispers floats around the forum. Everyone shares their thoughts to each other in hushed tones and glances. The judgement of the masses will soon rise and make itself known....

It will only smell and make you queasy

2005-12-19T07:36:00.000-05:00

"Yea, hi. It's me again. Call me when you get this message"
"Hello? Are you OK? I'm starting to get worried"
"What the hell? I've left you a bajillion messages. Are you never calling me back?"
"Fuck you, asshole. I can't believe it is ending this way. I'm never calling again."
"OK, last message. What happened? Can you at least tell me that?"
"Hello? Are you there? Pick up!"

This is the eighteenth installment in the "Why do Men...?" series inspired from comments on this post.

The queen of everything disco Wordwhiz asked: Why do men.... dump women by avoiding them like they were carrying a deadly disease? Why can't they just be honest? I'd much rather get the truth than be sitting by the phone or checking my email every 30 minutes. Be a man!! Give it to me straight.

It is all in our wiring. This is the explanation, not the excuse. Men's minds are designed to compartmentalize and store. We can isolate things, box them up and shelve them away.

This is in stark contrast to the female mind. You ladies keep everything connected at all times.

For us, forgetting to take out the garbage means I forgot to take out the garbage.

For you, I did not take out the garbage because you overcooked the Mahi-Mahi last week (even though we said it was cooked perfect) which was, of course, a direct result of me being thirty-minutes late coming home which made us late for your friend's baby shower which resulted in you having one too many drinks the following night at dinner because I was too nice to the waitress because I think you look fat in that skirt which makes you twist the toothpaste from the top, not the bottom, which is why we stole the covers one night in November of '98 after you had a tough day at work because of that bitch boss who, of course, wore the same blouse as you to the Christmas party the following year which led to me not noticing your new haircut because I forgot to call you the Thursday after my business luncheon which means I hate how your mother never calls before she comes over. I forgot to take out the garbage because of your mother. How can I not see that???

It is very easy for us gents to emotionally isolate things in our life. This is a good skill to have in business, finance and in relationships with other men. If we catch our best friend hitting on our girlfriend a simple "Dude??? What the fuck??" answered by a "Sorry, man.... my bad" closed by the buying of another round and a man-hug; conflict over, best friends forever... who wants a shot?

This skill is not so good when it comes to our relationships with you ladies.

When we realize we no longer want to see you things tend to get messy in our brains. We don't want to see you cry, we don't want to explain why we don't want you anymore and we don't want to be told what we did wrong and why we will never be happy, we don't want to tell you what is wrong with you and us and we don't want to hurt you.

For some of us, when faced with this mountain of an emotional confrontation, we pull out the mental tupperware. We take you and all of our relationship, drop it in the plastic bowl, seal it up and store it in our emotional cupboard over our mental fridge.

Once sealed for freshness, it does not affect us. In our strangeness you are out-of-sight and out-of-mind. We only need to do the "not" for a few days/weeks. Not call you back, not answer the phone, not read your emails and not think about the hell you are in by our silence.

Over time you will give-up and we both will move on. You will take our crappy exit out on the next man you date and we will think about "that move" you use to do in bed while we sleep with the next woman we date.

This, again, is only the explanation, not an excuse. You ladies have wanted to just walk away from a relationship before. You understand the desire to avoid the "big talk" and hurt our feelings. Sometimes you've gone as far as taking the passive-aggressive path of being a pain in the ass so we will break up with you instead (or, at least, you considered it). We just stop answering the phone.

What help is that, for me, Uncle Hof?

Simple.... if a dude does this, don't be "that girl". If you make two calls, leave two messages and they are not returned, stop calling. Don't chase. We men are most interested in the women that seem the least interested in us. Want him to call you more? Stop calling him.

If a man pulls the fell-off-the-face-of-the-earth dump on you he was likely not into you enough to be a future something. Your time with him is over and he turned out not to be what you hoped he was. Don't go searching through the cupboard above his fridge for your tupperware. It won't burp when you open the seal... it will only smell and make you queasy.

His next girlfriend will be a fat skank anyway.

Sleep gives me more energy

2005-12-15T08:46:00.000-05:00

Unlike my trip in October to Vegas, this has been for work. Yesterday I taught a seminar and spent the whole day with customers and attendees. So freaking exhausting! I was in bed and sleeping before 8pm!

Mr. Boxer leaves today on the red-eye. He has a painful day of poker yesterday.

I teach again today. I hope my good night sleep gives me more energy today. I would like to play in the $125 poker tourney tonight at the MGM....

My buddy

2005-12-14T06:14:00.000-05:00

I did not win. I finished 50th out of 133 (paid nothing). My buddy Mr. Boxer finished 7th (paid 1,500+).

I played great... he played better.

WOOT.

Your ears are sparkling

2005-12-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

I know you are not one of those foolish readers that read me but not A*... just in case you missed her recent post:

Click me and read it now, silly!

I am rarely surprised and she got me. I had no idea.... I am told, "you should of seen your face".

With her around, this past weekend was wonderful. She nursed my thrown-out back. Sexy, gorgeous, smart, funny AND a healer. What else can a man ask for?

I've never had back problems before. Yanking a muscle in my back was one of those, "Yer getting old, you old oldie" experiences. Am I really old enough to throw out my back? Fucking depressing is what that is.

Her surprise visit was my Christmas gift. I knew I would be buying her jewelry for Christmas but I was not sure what. OK, I knew it would not be THE jewelry that is delivered on one knee. We are not there.... yet. I realized I got my present early so I decided to give her's early... and let her pick it out.

We went to the mall and she found a really nice pair of 1/2 carat diamond earrings. She told me long ago she always wanted to own a pair of nice (read: real) diamond earrings. I bought them on the spot. Merry Christmas, my dearest, your ears are sparkling!

I'm in Vegas now. As usual, I hit a slot for $250 (can't start a Vegas trip without a nice slot win). I also played a lot of poker... and, as I hoped, I am up. Way up. Hundreds of hundreds up. Today is the big one, though. Today I play in the $300 No-Limit tourney at the Wynn. First prize is usually over $12k.

My mad poker skillzz are on. I am ready. Are they?

She is loaded and shiny

2005-12-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

So approaches the weekend.

Tonight I will go out with Mr. Drinker for a night on the town. Have not spent much time with him (or anyone fun) lately so I look forward to good times (the kind legends are created from).

Tomorrow night, Mr. Boxer and I start the Getting the Hell out of South Florida Heading to Vegas world tour. It will likely not be pretty. We will be at Scooby's saying farewell to all that are not getting on a plane Sunday night for a week in Las Vegas. So sad for them.

Sunday is football finished with a late-night flight to my home away from home. We will be in Vegas by 11pm pst and I am there all week. I am teaching some classes but it is all smoke screen for more hours at the poker table.

Speaking of poker, I've broken another ceiling and really have taken my game to the next step. It is a new game and I look at the whole endeavor unlike before. The more I learn, the more I play and the better I get... the less the game has to do with the cards. I am meticulous in tracking my results and the data backs up my feelings.

Last trip to Vegas did some damage to my poker confidence and my wallet. I'm coming back into town, sheriff and I got a brand new pump-action shotgun and she is loaded and shiny. I left some of my money in your pocket, Vegas, and I am back to collect. God have mercy on their chip stacks.

Love ya, mean it.

The funny thing is

2005-12-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to reruns of Law and Order:Criminal Intent. DVRs be damned. Vincent Donofrio is great and Kathryn Erbe has grown on me. It is complete brain cheese. The show is formulaic, predictable, schticky and I cannot watch enough of it.

Never seen Vincent in Steal This Movie? You should. Not a great movie but he gives a great performance.

I was submerged in the rich life this past weekend. A quick day trip to the Bahamas for lunch on the private jet.

I figure our hamburgers, when you average out the total cost of the trip, ran around $450 a piece. Sunday I went with the CEO and friends to the Dolphin game. We, of course, took the company's 30-ft limo bus (including the 62-inch mounted flat-screen TV with DirectTV mounted in the back) to the game.

We, of course, watched the game in the club-level suite on the 40-yard line. Fully catered and stocked with all of the booze and beer one could keep down. We spent a few hours at his mansion on the intercoastal to finish off the fun.

Whenever I am surrounded by that lifestyle it makes me very introspective.

We snorkeled at Thunderball Grotto on Friday in Exuma. I remember standing, Ahab-style, at the front of the chartered boat as we sped to the site. I looked around at water as clear as a pool. A December day pushing 90 degrees. The sun and the wind pounding my skin making me feel more alive than ever.

I looked back on the boat at our captain. He must of been in his late forties. A born and bred islander that claims his family first set up shop in the islands in the 1700s when they decided being pirates became too dangerous.

In the face of the opulence I had only one thought. I want the simple life. I want to spend days that become weeks that become years with A* with nothing to do but whatever we felt like doing. I will need money to do this but not much. I don't need the symbols of success. I need time to spend with the love of my life, time to read, time to paint, time to learn. I would need a little time to fish as well.

Unlike many men (and women) in my generation, I've discovered that work is what I do and not who I am. It could be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. The funny thing is, when I lost my career obsession... within a year I shot up the ladder to Director and my salary tripled.

Love ya, mean it.

You play like defending champions

2005-12-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

Last year you win the entire March Madness. Last year you prove that you are the best team in the country.

Within weeks you lose ALL of the top seven scorers on the championship team.

Everyone recognizes that the 2006 season, with only one returning scorer, will be a rebuilding year.

Last week you play the team that you beat for the championship. Unlike you, they only lost a few of their starting players from the year before.

You are not ranked, they are barely ranked out of the top ten.

You stay in the game for both halves. You don't look like a freshman team, you don't even play like a freshman team. You lose the game but it is not the blowout it should of been.

The next Saturday you have to travel and play your first road game. You must go to Kentucky and play the tenth-best team in the country on their court. Everyone knows it will not be pretty. They have the talent, the coaching, the crowd and the experience.

You take the lead half-way through the first half and surprise the world by ending the first half with the lead.

You play the second half and never lose the lead...

You play like you are representing the greatest college basketball school in the history of NCAA basketball.

You play like defending champions and you win the game...

Yes, you win the game.

Who are you?

You are the University of Mutha-effing North Carolina.

You are the Tarheels.

University of North Carolina - 83
Kentucky - 79

Worse ways

2005-12-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

Normally when the CEO of the company calls you at 9pm it is not good news.

"Hofzinser, it is BigMan. Gotta second?"

"Yes, Sir" (I am so North-Carolina respectful)

"Want to go to the Bahamas tomorrow?"

"Of course!"

"Meet me at the hanger tomorrow morning and bring your drinking hands"

Taking the company jet to the Bahamas for a "brainstorming" excursion.... there are worse ways to spend a Friday.

More ethnic than religious

2005-11-29T19:05:00.000-05:00

I've always been a conspiracy theory buff. I don't buy into them but love to research 'em.

Lately I've been looking around at the 9/11 conspiracies. They are just the latest in a tradition of people not accepting the common wisdom (which is a good thing) and taking leaps of faith and constructing facts to build more questions than answers.

There has always been something that has made my scratch my head. Why are so many of these tales threaded with ethnic Jews as the center of the web?

I've scoured the net looking for a credible origin to this anti-Semitic theme. Most forms of racism and classism make sense to me. I get the xenophobic instincts that drive people to rebuke others that look different. I cannot seem to get to the bottom of the Evil Jew myth.

From 9/11 back to the Knight's Templars, there seems to always be a Jewish conspiracy at work. My first guess was Christian propaganda, yet it seems more ethnic than religious.

Chime in and help me with this one.

Why do the anti-Semites and kooky theorists often appear to be the same people?

Derailing

2005-11-28T08:18:00.000-05:00

I can't move the pebble. I just have to hope.

Hope that the train will change tracks before it gets here.

Hope that maybe it can pass through here without derailing.

Hope that the conductor knows what he is doing.

Hope

and more hope....

Does the rock

2005-11-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

I'm walking along the tracks and breaking off branches. To keep my hands busy, I tear the leaves to shreds as I walk.

I come to a spot and see the pebble on the smooth steel of the rail. Small enough that anyone walking by would miss it. Small enough to miss but big enough for disaster.

I know the train is coming. I can hear it.

So I stare at the rock.

I can't decide if I have time to get it off the track.

Am I fast enough?

Am I strong enough to lift the little quarter-sized boulder?

If I make it, and move it, will there be time for me to get off the tracks before the train roars past?

I'm just standing here looking at it.

I know what it will do when the train gets here.

Would everything be better if I just left the stone there?

I know how it got there and have no idea if it is mine to move.

Mother frickin' flyin' fucker.

An audible sound that replicates your voice

2005-11-23T09:09:00.000-05:00

Some randoms

Wearing your hands-free cell ear piece when you are not talking on the phone does not make you look like a cool cyborg from the future....

It makes you look like a dolt that wants people to think you work for the secret service. You're not THAT important, take off the effing ear piece.

People that freak out at the airport and get pissy because they have to take off their shoes for the security check need someone important in their life to die of a fatal disease.

Then they will know what you should really freak out over. Get over yourselves and take off your effing shoes.

It appears that the only person who did not know his wife worked for the CIA was me.

When you are talking on your cell phone magic happens.

Your voice gets transformed into an electronic signal by the mouthpiece. It is then sent, magically, through the air to a tower.

The tower then sends your voice across the world to the phone of the person you called. This person's phone then translates your voice back into an audible sound that replicates your voice.

Make sense? Good.

Now you know you don't have to YELL when you are talking on your cell in public. The person you're talking to is not on the other side of the airport with a hearing aid.

Cookin' the books

2005-11-18T09:15:00.000-05:00

Drop me a comment if you have me on your blog roll but you are not on mine. I need to do some cleaning up on my sketcher list.

Don't miss the new installment to our story... scroll down!

Your Turn

2005-11-18T08:44:00.000-05:00

(The winner of today's "too young to write this well" award goes to December who offers the next installment in our little project)
(UPDATED 11/18/05)

As yet untitled

This is not the first time the subway car she was in stopped for no reason. Allison looked up from her book as she sensed the car slowing down to see what station they were approaching. Peeking out the window, she only saw concrete and brick; they stopped between stations. Allison shrugged and her eyes droped and quickly scaned the page to find where she stopped reading. This was the third time she'd read "Treasure Island". She was ten when her uncle gave her this ratty and worn copy. She tore through it then and read it again, as an adult, last year and loved it more. Missing high adventure in her own life at the moment, Allison grabbed it off her shelf on her way out the door this morning. As soon as she found her seat and started reading, the noise of the morning commuters faded and she could hear the waves hitting the side of the pirate ship.[hofzinser]

The movement of the train had helped Allison dissapear into the pages of her book and she was finding it more difficult to surround herself with the high seas when the train was stubbornly refusing to continue forward. As the minutes crept by, the words on the page went from fuzzy to completely jumbled. Allison sighed and placed the book back in her bag. Her other senses began to extend, and within a few moments she was roaming around the train from her seat. She could smell the coffee from the casually dresssed man across the aisle. She could hear the video game and sighs of consternation from a child obscured by a fat man with his poodle, leashed, but riding in the man's arms between sweaty folds of skin. She leaned forward an looked to the end of the car. A sullen looking man was staring at the floor. He turned his head toward Allison and his eyes darted to meet hers, and then raced away to a spot above her head. [anonymous coworker]

A sudden jolt went through Allison as their eyes met, and it wasn't just the jolt of the train starting up again. In that second she realized she knew this stranger. Her memory toyed with her, taking her back through her past in order to find the identity of this man. Instinctively she knew that the identity wasn’t something she was going to like. She closed her eyes and watched face after face rush by…her high school math teacher? No…He was older than she was, he couldn’t possibly be a classmate. Then her brain suddenly released his identity, and her heart twisted in her chest. Her throat already straggled and frayed, she called out, “Dad?” [paige]

He didn't hear her. Allison studied him a bit more, decided this was bigger than her and tried again. "Dad?" "Steven?"

The use of his first name garnered a reaction. His head shot up and his eyes roamed her face placing her this time. He gave her a small smile that never reached his eyes pushed himself off the seat and over to her.

"Allison," he sat down heavily next to her, "how are you?"

She struggled to keep the glare down, that incredulous stony glare she inherited from her mother she knew he hated.

"Fine, fine, busy and you?" Jesus, making small talk with her dad on the subway. Will wonders never cease?

"Good. Great," he said sounding nowhere near good or great.

"Lori is pregnant," he added.

At the mention of his new wife, Allison bristled. Then reminded herself that Lori wasn't so new just a painful reminder. It had been close to sixteen years since he walked off the home plantation and into the wild. He not-so-blissfully wedded Lori five years ago. The marriage was irrelevant. Allison hadn't spoken to her father in almost a decade when the merry marry occurred.

The train moved past the blockage as they sat in silence. The train rumbled through tunnels and past stops. And still they both rode in silence.

Suddenly Steven said, "Allison? There's something you should know."[A*]

‘There’s something you should know?’ what was he doing, trying to make this unbelievably awkward moment into a Hollywood movie? Allison thought sourly.

“What Steven? What lie are you going to tell me this time? Are you going to tell me that your leaving was never my fault, that you and Mom just couldn’t work together? Are you going to tell me that you think of me and Mom everyday? Or, perhaps you were going to tell me that you wished you could have been involved in my childhood more?” Allison spat out fiercely.

“No, I wasn’t going to, I...you have to understand,” stammered Steve.

“Oh, I get it, you were going to tell me the truth this time. Which one? How about, when Mom told you the secret she had kept inside of her since she was a little girl, you didn’t comfort her, you walked out of the house and got drunk, like every other night? Or, maybe you were going to tell me that I wasn’t really your child, that mom was raped by one of your buddies, while
you stood there and watched? No, no, I’m sure that you were going to tell me that.....”the girl spewed.

“ALLISON!” Steve loudly interrupted.

He hung his head, knowing there was no sense in prolonging her suffering. He moved his hand to her knee and spoke. His words would echo in her soul for the rest of her days. "Your sister, Jane... is alive." [leah] and [McG]

Allison had been reaching her hand out to remove Steve's unwelcome hand from her knee when her arm froze in midair. As if the freeze was emanating from Steve's own hand, Allison felt a chill run down to her toes, through her shoe, and into the floor of the chain. She felt
like she was sitting in ice water.

"Could it be true? Could Jane still be alive?"

Allison was suddenly flooded with memories as she thought of her sister's name for the first time in years. Allison had thought she had lost her sister when she was young, but that was more than enought time to have developed wispy memories of stuffed animal parties, treehouses, peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches, and the warm
embrace of a infrequently loving family.

The thought of her family shocked Allison back into the present.

"Get your fucking hand off of me!" Allison screamed. People in the train began to look at them.

"You show up out of nowhere after I haven't seen you in who knows how many years and drop this all on me about Lori being pregnant and Jane being alive as if we've had a relatively normal life up until this point?"

Steve made an attempt to speak but was quickly bulldozed by Allsion. Train passengers were moving to the other side of the car.

"All I wanted to do was read a book on the way to work," Allison said with a sway as the train slowed into the next station, "and now I don't even know my own life anymore!"

Steve opened his mouth to speak but Allison glowered at him. Her eyes refelcted years of pain, suffering, and revenge. He closed his mouth, opened it once more, and closed it again. Then he put his face in his hands and sighed. When he looked up again Allison was gone. He quickly jerked his head around the car and saw the back of her head as it wove through the crowd on the platform. The doors to the subway car closed before Steve had a chance to go after her.

Allison found the steps out of the subway and collapsed on the in an emotional heap. Her eyes were puffy with tears and rage, but her mind was full of questions.

If Jane survived the accident, why didn't anyone tell her? Why were there so many lies?[anonymous coworker]

She joined the queue headed up the stairs with the rest of the corporate cattle headed to the slaughterhouses, branded with Price Waterhouse Cooper and Merrill Lynch instead of "Lzy K" or "Lucky B,".

As the train rattled away it drew up in its wake a sea of empty potato chip bags, candy bar wrappers, a New York Times crossword puzzle where someone decided that "22 Across: Marx" was "Zepo" instead of "Karl" which forced "14 down: Movie monster" to be "Godzilpa." [MooCow]

When she finally reached the street level she was yanked out of line by a desperate hand.

"Did you talk to him yet?"

Allison froze and could not answer the question. She peered into her own eyes, she looked at her own face. She could not find the air to form an answer to the twin she thought long dead.

Jane gripped Allison and gave her a firm shake.

"Did he find you yet? Did Dad talk to you? God Damnit! Answer me!"

Allison manged to squeak out a barely audible "yes".

"Fuck!", Jane bolted west on 54th with her sister in tow.

"It might already be too late"

Allison, by the time they crossed 8th, screeched the Jane train to a halt by digging her heels into the sidewalk.

"We don't have much time, Allison!" yelped Jane [hofzinser]

"I am not going anywhere untill you tell me what the hell is going
on!"

"I don't have time Allison, please, please, I just need you to come
with me, you have to trust me"

Jane grabbed Allison's hand to pull her along. After dozens of blocks they finally stopped in front of the Empire State building. Allison saw her father race inside.

"Jane, where is he going? Why are we following him?"

"The last thing that he had to do was tell you that I was still alive. The circle is now complete, he has nothing more to live for."

Allison stared at Jane. "Don't you get it? He is going to end his life! He is going to end as many people's lives with him as he can. He has a god damn bomb Allison!"

Allison maintained her blank stare. "So what are we going to do about it?"

"Well we sure aren't going to stand here! Let's go."

As Jane was running towards the building, she began to pull papers out of her pockets. She also pulled a gold pocket watch out.

"Jane, what is all that stuff for?"

"You'll find out, please, just hurry up."

Once inside the building they saw their father standing in the middle of the lobby floor. A crowd of tourists were face down around his feet. He had his jacket off, exposing a bomb the size of a coffee cup straped to his chest.

The red, glowing lights read 1:23....1:22...1:21. [december]

Your turn! Email the next paragraph in this story with
the subject line [Story 01 Paragraph 10]

I have an idea and want to see if it will work as well as I think.

I am amazed at the quality of writing I see on the blogs of the people who frequent here. I want us to create a story.... together.

Here is how it will work (read carefully). Below is the on-going story. I wrote the first paragraph and expect YOU to write the next one. Read the story as it stands then email me the next paragraph (click on my picture/slide above to get my email address). I will sift among the submissions and, like an editor, pick one and add it to our story. We then start the process over again and I will ask for submissions for the next paragraph. Do NOT put your entries in the comments section, I will only consider entries sent via email. Please use the subject line I post so I can keep this organized. If I pick one of your submissions BUT you do not want credit (you want to remain anonymous) please note that in your submission.

She lumped tomatoes (completed with ending)

2005-11-15T21:20:00.000-05:00

(many of my newer readers missed this when it was first published last July. It was my first publish of fiction on this blog and I am still kinda proud of it. If you are a long-time reader then... read it again because you can never get enough of your Uncle Hof.)

She strokes the petals of the daisy carefully so not to pull one out. Immediately she remembers the childhood "he loves me, he loves me not" ritual. A smirk emerges from the corner of her mouth stretching her lips far enough to catch the salty tear as it runs down her cheek.

"Fuck him."

Wiping the tear away she can't gather the nerve to toss the flower to the ground.

"How the hell could he do this to me?"

She is sitting with her feet close and her legs tucked in front of her. She rests her chin back on her knees. Normally a day like this in a city like Chicago would have her walking with him through the park. He would blush as she caught him checking out the view from the neckline of her tank top. She would have a book like "The Prophet" and he would have a magazine like "Sports Illustrated". He would have the ratty green towel over his shoulder so they could sit on the ground without getting too dirty.

Her knees support her chin and she gets lost in the soft center of the flower. "Are daisies weeds?" She says it out loud and half expects him to answer. He knew all that science shit. He loved to correct her when she lumped tomatoes with vegetables or called a whale a 'big fish'. Then it was annoying and made her feel stupid. The thought of it now makes it hurt that much more.

"Fuck you..." she says clearly and a bit louder than she expected (half-wanting him to hear).

It really is a rare day. A Chicago summer is the nicest three days anyone will see. Despite being a Thursday and despite it being two o-clock in the afternoon, it seems like the entire city has taken the day off. Young couples are playing with their newborns under the shade of the park trees, dogs are finally getting the workout of a Frisbee thrown by their owners.

Lisa falls back on to her elbows but keeps her knees pointed to the sky. The flower falls loosely from her grip and she watches a cloud drift. Had it really been three years since they met? When he was holding her hand last week on the way to the movie it seemed like they had been together for a decade. Today three years seems like a month.

Even in her anger she loved him more today than when he left last week.

"You selfish son-of-a-bitch", she thought. She is still looking up when her cloud slides under another, much bigger, cloud. He just laughed. That's how they met. She slipped on an ice cube flat on her ass and he stood, at the bar, and tried to hold it back. It was too much and he burst. Of course, she was embarrassed and pissed (embarrassed for herself and straight-up pissed at the cute stranger laughing).

"I bet we would have never met if that ice cube wasn't there. I was on my way out anyway. Today would be just a sunny Chicago day if not for one fucking ice cube. Instead, it is the first of many anniversaries. One month without David and the fucking sun is shining and the wind is warm."

"I hope you're happy now. I hope you found whatever you thought was missing. Just so you know, it sucks here. The wind is too warm and the sun is too bright."

She forgot to bring a blanket and she thinks the ugly green towel was last left at his place. The grass was already staining her skirt. All she could think about was what he said when he came over from the bar and offered her his hand.

PART III

They talked all night. Normally when she met a man she, during their conversation, was secretly assessing his viability as a mate. Was he smart? Was he kind? Was he ambitious? Not that night. She was too lost and engaged by his wit and charm. It wasn't until the next morning when she was making her morning coffee and getting ready for work that she realized she was in love. It shocked her. She only knew David for a few hours yet, for the first time in her life, she had the feeling she always heard about. She knew it and that was all.

The next few months were so natural. Breaking her typical neurosis, she did not over-think their relationship. Thoughts like "are we moving too fast?", "is this what I want?" or "where is this heading" never filled her mind. He just flowed through her and surrounded her.

Those memories brought a smile to her face as the sun started to float gently to the horizon. It was approaching seven o'clock and those that didn't take today off were now filling the park to capacity. She stood up, brushed at the grass stains on her skirt like it would make them easier to get out in the wash later.

She remembered the first day he didn't call. He always called, every day starting with the day after they met. His daily call was as reliable as the sun setting. It was a Friday and she was swamped at the office. It wasn't until four that she realized David missed his lunch-break call. She sent him an email and when he didn't answer she sent another. She started to worry and was in a complete frenzy by ten that night. Did something happen to him? Was this God's big joke? Here is a man to fall for and now I will take him out with a bus, thanks for playing, Lisa.

He called the next morning and sounded funny. "You OK?" she asked.

"Yea, I had a rough day at work yesterday and just came home and went to bed. Sorry."

As the next few weeks passed she could not figure out if he was really that tired all the time or his exhaustion was an excuse not to see her. When they did go out, he was her David. Why he didn't call as much and why they spent less time together was starting to cause crazy theories to pop in her head. Was he falling out of love with her or, worse, was there someone else? She knew men, if they got their sights set on someone new, they would just drift away from the person they were with. Men could fight wars, save kittens from burning buildings but couldn't just say, "Hey, I'm just not that into you anymore."

One day of no contact became two, three then a week with no calls or emails.She finally lost it. He had not talked to her in a week. She was driving home from work and somehow found herself in his driveway.

His car was there.

Enough is enough and she stormed to the door. Even as she stood in the park she could see the door. She could see his damn door. After knocking for a minute or two she stood there defeated. How could he sit in there knowing she was at the door? HOW? It was then that the weight of his house key on her key chain became too much. He gave it to her over a month ago. She couldn't help herself. Key in the lock and the door opened.

The place was cleaner than she had ever seen it. Spotless. Was he selling it? Did he expect his new fucking girlfriend to come over and was trying to impress her? You son-of-a-bitch!

She yelled, "DAVID!?!"

Nothing.

The place had an empty feel to it. She felt strange being there. Was he upstairs with her? She moved into the kitchen and saw the envelope. Her name was on it, in block letters. It was sealed and he had yet to put her address on it - just her name. Her trembling hand picked it up and opened it.

Dear Lisa,

I don't know how to explain this. I know I should have talked to you about my feelings but I was afraid I was going to hurt you. The last few times we've been together I've tried to talk to you about things. I just couldn't find the courage. I knew you would not understand. Please believe me, there is nothing you did wrong. I have to end this. You will always have a special place in my heart and I hope you can move past me - us - and find someone special.

You are a wonderful woman.

Love, David

She wasn't sad and she didn't cry. She was pissed. He was going to dump her with a shitty letter? No explanation? She read it three more times as if there was a special code embedded in the text that would explain things. Her arms dropped as all of the energy that powered her muscles drained. The letter fell from her hand and her head became heavy. She could feel the tears coming.

She fought them and stalked around the other rooms. Spotless and empty. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and held her breath and listened. Was he up there with someone else? She lifted one heavy foot after the other and went up. At the top of the stairs she caught the first whiff. "Jesus, what was that smell?"

His bedroom door was cracked open. With one finger she gave it a push. It swung open.

My God, the blood. It was everywhere. It took her a few moments to even notice him on the bed. The gun was laying on his chest. His hands still gripped the handle and the end was still in his mouth. The blood- it was everywhere. My God, the blood.

She caught herself standing and staring up at the darkening sky. She'd stopped walking and was just standing, staring into the sky as the stars started to twinkle into view. "It can never be that bad." she thought as people walked past her to get closer to the fountain in the center of the park.

She whispered to the sky, "I miss you David. I love you and hate what you did but I still miss you."

At the funeral she finally met his parents. His Mom explained his sickness, his moods and that this was not his first attempt. "He talked about you all the time." she said to Lisa. "We were looking forward to meeting you." She held Lisa like a mother can. It was the first time she finally cried, in her lover's mother's arms.

The stars were appearing as if someone was poking pins the night sky letting the light of heaven through.

"I miss you David"

She resumed her walk home. She chuckled when she caught herself wondering if tomatoes were really fruit like he said. Fuck it, she lumped tomatoes with vegetables and that was just how it was going to be.

Let me stand back up

2005-11-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

I watched my Miami lose to the Pats yesterday at the 8th Street Tavern in Hoboken.

Cold PBR on draft, my smokes, some chicken tenders while surrounded by NFL on 8+ TVs. It was bad for the liver, lungs and stomach but so good for the soul.

I was struck by a gent sitting across the bar from me. He appeared to be around my age (early thirties) and sported a black overcoat, beard and a face that spoke volumes.

He nursed a draft while unaffected by any of the games shouting from the airwaves around him. I would guess he just fell off the cigarette wagon. I bet he quit awhile ago and just bought his first pack in years.

He smoked one after another. His focus only shifted between his reflection in the pint glass and the burning of the ash. He watched the cig burn like it was a movie and he did not know the ending.

He smelled of a broken heart. I could not tell if it was a woman that crushed him earlier that day or the night before OR if he was just in the middle of life doing a general teeth-kicking. He look beat up and dragged. He looked alone on a barstool despite the crowd of pig-skin addicts that surrounded him.

Normally I would belly up next to someone like this. Strike up a conversation and, possibly, be an ear for someone who just needed someone to listen. I thought about changing my seat but I never did.

Something told me he didn't want to be bothered. The only ones he wanted close were Marlboro and The Blue. The image of this guy has stuck with me through today.

Someone or something fucking punched him in the nose and I hope he woke up today feeling a little farther ahead than yesterday. I've been where he was. Sometimes you just want to look up to the sky, shake your fist and yell, "I don't know if you're up there and I don't know what you're trying to tell me but FUCKING LET OFF... I get it so let me stand back up."

Cheer up, man. Even when its that bad, its never that bad.

Enough, already

2005-11-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

Is political debate dead?

Has the mini-stump speeches passed off as Presidential debates coupled with the extremist rantings on FOX and CNN left us with no real political discussion?

Unless I am talking with Dan, Allison, Jules, A* or Mr. Drinker (all whom often disagree with me politically), I find any talk of politics often spins into:

1. Ranting
One or both parties stop listening. One talks, the other just waits to talk. Neither addresses the ideas or questions of the other.

2. Name calling
Liberal and Conservative are not bad words. True measured debate about issues is now replaced with labeling. Pinko, communist, Neocon, blah, blah.

3. Exposure of evil
Talk about policy and procedure is reduced to talk about intent. If you think the Head Start program is not effective then you must not only be against children learning.... you probably eat fried baby feet for breakfast. If you think the war in Iraq might be better executed you not only don't support the troops, the only person who hates America more than you is running North Korea. Enough, already. Learn to separate talk of policy from talk of intent.

4. No regard for language
Anything someone thinks is important becomes a "right" - the word "right" no longer has meaning. The "right" to health care, education, or to carry a concealed handgun. Couple this with simple things like separation of church and state and personal property rights being at best warped and it worse ignored...

5. Selective acceptance
Facts are fact if they support your position. They are unreliable and malleable if they support a view you disagree with.

6. Silliness
Extremists like Pat Robertson, Nancy Pelosi, Howard Dean and Tom Delay are dictating the landscape of the political debate.

7. Change of subject
If someone on the other side starts to make sense there is no need to listen, consider or even re-think. Just start talking about something else. There is no reason to have your answers match the question asked.

8. Preaching to the converted
Some only talk politics with people that agree with them already. What a great way to expand and learn!